boys_over_flowers

Cabin Crew- prepare for take off!

2011-03-27T05:31:00.000-07:00

All you need is a bunch of gays dressed as air hostesses to make you really laugh and enjoy the novelty of Brighton! I was called Cathay Kim - how appropriate that this time I can pass of as Chinese haha!!

Not to mention that the bus was halted on Friday night as this dog just scarpered into the bus, started eating leftovers on the floor, while we desperately looked for the puppy's worried owners. I know the Friday night plans were slightly shaken up, but no one could ever get angry with a dog, minding its own business and eating stuff on the floor.

Life has been relatively stable. Which is good. Work is good, gives me structure and keeps me occupied that I don't dwell on shitty things. I have no shitty things to dwell on anyway. I am fairly lucky. Doing well at work, hit my targets and my contract was extended for another month. I am also invited for an interview for a Tobacco Control Officer, a more permanent position, hoping that I would get it this time.

Boys? Meh. Nothing. Although currently chatting to this guy and we seem to have Cambodia in common. He's fairly amusing, mind you, I have developed an addiction to his emails which are longer than mine for a change. We may be meeting up for coffee so I hope, please God, I hope, that he is fit.

Hot receptionist guy was such a tease - he showed me his tatooed back and I nearly dropped my knickers with excitement. Life is unfair! It's like forbidden fruit - how could you do this to me!??!?!?

I think things are good. As a sign, I have been gaining weight not from depression eating but enlightened eating. Also upon discovery of Burger King Chilli Cheese Bites. Friggin awesome!

Settling for Sufficiency

2011-03-05T18:00:00.000-08:00

As I painfully discovered that Hot Receptionist Guy (his name is actually Dave, Dave the Chav) has a girlfriend (probably another Chav, they breed like fucking maggots) our interactions became less flirty and meaningful, but more friendly and amusing. Nevertheless, I am still on the hunt for a really hot guy, to mark my 10th men anniversary of having sex with men.

So it started with a few friends of mine recommending PlentyOfFish.com. as a dating website. I have never been totally against the idea, but desperate times come desperate measures. If only, it just makes it a lot easier to deal with commodity and centralises scarcity of resources (i.e. sex and where you can get it). I had a first date with this guy called Carl, who I've nicknamed "Big Girthy Cock" because... you've guessed it.. he had a big girthy cock. What a novelty. He's an "Internet Investigator", posh name for ensuring that music doesn't get pirated elsewhere on the internet. He is 35 years old, has a motorbike, rather flashy man who is coming to terms with the success and the money that came with it. Plays a lot with cameras, does well in his own kinda guy. We had a great time, the sex was good enough for someone who was ultimately gagging for it after months (he wanted South Park on whilst banging me..?!) and it was just once. I couldn't sleep at his, partly due to the adrenalin of having had sex for the first time in four months, with the heat of the room mixed with the stale tobacco smell that seemed to have infiltrated even the last fibre of his pillow and sheets. I also nearly raped him, come to think of it. I was bored and I wanted to have another go.

So the morning was rather awkward and there he was saying let me know when you want to hang out. He didn't even ask for my number. After four days I asked if he wanted to see Brighton Rock with me. He txted back not really saying yes, so fuck that I thought. I was confused, thinking that we had a great time and why is he not that interested. I didn't really bank on liking the dude. For me I thought he was one thing and one thing only, but I didn't have to like him. Or so I thought I liked him. Tom told me that it was just validation that I needed. I needed him to like me. Because I was insecure, that it's been awhile, and that I am human. What a relief.

Then there's Ollie. 28 years old, head chef at The Blind Busker. History degree, travelled, hates football. He responded to my headline of "Mr. Darcy, are you out there?" with "I am no Mr. Darcy, but I can be your Mr. Collins" which is pretty witty. Henceforth, I have nicknamed him "Period Drama Guy". So yeah, we talked about desserts, Pride & Prejudice and pubs - which pre-empted our first date at the Lion & Lobster. When I met him, it was a definite no-no. We had a good chat, I still tried but I just knew there was no X factor there. He went home as he had a hell of a day the next day, so I stayed at the pub. Paul, the pub plonker, had the fucking nerve to subtly call me a coward and that I scare men off. He was such a patronising cunt who takes pleasure in killing people's self-esteem (and what's left of it) that I left.

As I wrote the plonker off for that kind of manipulative self-glorifying validation of his own, I went to London to cheer up Mac who was unceremoniously dumped (or effectively ending whatever they had - as she dumped him first) by form of a late birthday card from the wanker who gave her a present of a store card voucher from Urban Outfitters - what she gave him over Christmas. Men are fucking insensitive bastardly cowards at times. This is one of those times. Right on cue, I get a txt from Ollie saying he had a great time and hope I felt the same. I obviously didn't, but I just said "yeah, me too. meet up soon, yeah?". Letting him down gently or so I thought.

Today I got a txt from Ollie asking to go for drinks this evening. I already planned to go for a drink with Lavina and go to this house party. Unbeknown to me I somehow agreed to meet up with Ollie but for very good reasons:

1. Just when I was told that I had to be demure and compliant to find true love, there he is, still wanting to meet up. So I have not scared him a mile off despite statements to the contrary.

2. I am not exactly the prettiest girl in the world to be ultimately picky. I know it's a fine line between that and settling - but I gotta give it another chance as it's not fair to judge on the first date.

3. I don't want to do a BGC and just leave a person hanging. Remember what happened when I used two men at once for my own pleasure and self-gratification? I received really really REALLY bad karma. No more using, no more abusing. No more mucking around - I will treat people the way I want to be treated in return. I've had my fun, but I paid a heavy heavy price for it. Something that nearly cost me Jeremy, had I not known how to justify myself to him.

4. He hates football, he knows period drama, he can be engaging (maybe too tired for debating), he seems to accept how honest and full on I am about Libya, the misconceptions about democracy and Western values, and where it is the world is generally going. If he can put up with such hard core pronouncements on the first and second date, that's pretty impressive.

5. He can cook. Enough said.

So we had drinks at the Wick Inn, talked blah blah blah. I had a really good time, we drank, smoked in this prison Guantanamo Bay smoking terrace, ate Grubbs. However, he asked if he could kiss me whilst I was whining about my family past - which I thought was just very rude since I was really pouring my heart out, and also I am not gonna kiss someone in the romantic setting of a boxed interrogation room where smokers feel like they really have committed something wrong and should be isolated from society and be punished with such depressing surroundings of an overflowing ashtray and numerous empty glasses and bottles, with accompanying depressing stools as a mockery of making it feel just like home.

The offer was not renewed, thank God. However, the deciding factor was when I had to walk him to the bus stop and not the other way round. I did comment on it, which did not go amiss. I thought he worked that day, really tired and gotta get up the next morning. But hey, I am going to a rough part of town, 5 ft 3 and an ethnic minority. Who is more vulnerable in this case?

It just hit me. I want to be looked after for a change. The bus thing is not exactly a big deal, but that's what makes him similar to imbecile boyfriends who were very selfish and didn't really care whether I get home safe or not. And that's what makes it a big deal. As I said to Lavina earlier, I wanted to branch out - try out other types of men, move away from the destructive type Retard that doesn't seem to go down well after time. As far as there is no romantic x factor is concerned, I have given it a chance and found that he is not really right for me. He's not exactly similar to the others, and I couldn't find a shred of evidence to suggest that he is different either. I don't even get that butterflies in the stomach thing, just mere indifference and negative apprehension that does not bode well on a date. As Lavina rightly pointed out to me, don't settle for sufficiency. I am smart, pretty, and confident - why the hell should I settle for anything less, seeing I've got it all?

And plus, with all my experiences with men and life and whatnot, the least I deserve to sleep with a really really really hot guy to commemorate my 10th anniversary of enjoying penises for what it is that they're good for.

Only Girl in the World

2011-02-18T14:34:00.000-08:00

I feel like the...

Only Girl in the World.

As it has been a while and frankly the past few weeks need some forgetting (validation and self-esteem issues, on the other hand, I got boom boom!) ... some form of transient normality has been imposed in place. I have started work at the Council which opened doors for me. Very unpredictable doors, something I have not really imagined.

Hot Receptionist Guy - remember him? Well... as I started my first day on Valentine's Day, it was a great surprise to find him strolling along admin to get the post. I mean, he's still working there so "YEEEEEESSSS" I felt my heart shout. There was the shy eye fucking again... but obviously I tried to look like I mean business and no-fucking-around-at-Trading Standards look. That really made my day.

I looked for reasons to hang around at the end of the day. He was at reception with this other receptionist, and I asked about creating a pass for me when he kindly took up the offer. I went into a room where I became in the closest vicinity I have ever been to him. In the process of making me an ID he had to find out my real name.. which is fucking MARIA. And it was also weird to have him also take my photo in a different room shouting out when to smile. or that I blinked. Whatever. It was good nonetheless. And weird that for the first time, we actually talked a bit.

Tuesday came. I was hanging out in my spying area.. making it look like I was there by accident but I am just looking for another random encounter. You know, drinking water, looking out of the window kinda thing. He called "hey, Maria" and as I turned around to say "Don't call me that, call me Kim" he was gone. The injustice stewed inside me, but realised hey, he actually noticed me. We got chatting before I left the building, as we talked about air conditioning he mentioned in passing that he is moving to Perth (Australia). I joked that he will fruit pick as a working visa thing, but he also mentioned that he is a qualified painter and decorator which might get points in the points system. Told him about landing myself in Eastbourne after the chance of Cambodia was snatched away from me. His name is Dave. Time to go.

Next day, he poked me as he came to get the post (advantageously coincidentally I was next to a post tray! yesss!). Unfortunately, he was not there for me to say goodbye to. Thursday was a novelty; he came into the office after hours. He didn't expect me to be there. Well I had work to finish and I'd like to finish as late as I can: 1)because of work, and 2)I know he locks up. Win win. He asked me if I work permanently, as he said I was only coming and going before. I said blah blah blah. He asked what I am doing, told him of how scared I am with the project and the responsibilities, and my frustrations with Renouard. He walked me towards reception. I left with a smile on my face again.

Today, Friday, was kinda epic. For one, he was dressed casually today. I mean... white polo shirt showing off his chest, despite how cold it is in the building. He smells nice, I got a nice preview of his chest... aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! My fucking God! It's like I have sex tourettes when he's tempting me like that. I just need to get his white shirt wet then he is my ultimate Mark Darcy with a chav accent (I shall elaborate later). I asked what time he's shutting down, he said he'll come and get me which he did. I ranted about my insecurities with my work, and how those businesses are not going to bother. He said he knows the dude who runs Bexhill Motors over the weekends. I had in mind a boozy days boozy nights weekend thing, which he said no, he sees him at the gym... and he promised he'll talk to Bexhill Motors dude for me.

We talked again as I warm up to go outside. He said I am going to be cold wearing a skirt. Needless to say, I am glad that he noticed the hemline of my skirt. We talked about Eastbourne's finest night life - basically chavs and rough people. We bonded over not liking clubbing anymore and being too old for it. And I ended the night with "age is an illusion". Dramatic exit, eh?

As I have noticed myself willing to work until late, despite a really mentally messy bus ride to Brighton for nearly two hours, I was willing to do so because it really makes me smile. So much. It has been a while since someone particularly seeks my attention. I am sure I am probably reading too much into it, but he has been uber obliging. Never rushing me, despite being the person he needs to kick out, lending a sympathetic ear whenever I rant about work, he's that friendly face that I like talking to. Bugger all we have in common, or maybe obviously time will tell, but he's a comfort and a good distraction at the same time. He goes into the office at my most vulnerable time, where I break down with the doubts of my work, and he's just there staring at me hoping things go OK. It's also because he's the only one apart from Sonia who I really talk to, or who would bother to talk to me. That's kinda nice. It's been a while since someone's paid me any attention. And it's about time we got interacting, to think that all contact we had was passing over my pass with a very subtle smile craving for our fingertips to touch.

I need to make more effort to get to know him. Because all I can hear from him is "you you you you" and I have not really asked him anything much in comparison. All I know is that he wants to move to Perth (and is), he is a qualified painter and decorator (yes - my name is Kim and I am attracted to Bob the Builder) and has a chav/cockney whatever accent. This was so unforeseen, it makes me laugh and kinda bizarre that I have not been put out with that discovery. He melts my heart. Literally. It's like "living a teenage dream" quoting Katy Perry.

As of course the natural course of things will take over. Well, he has not asked me out but I think I want to. But should I? Right now, I am happy and giddy - I have something to look forward to everyday.. knowing that I will smile as I end my day. The selfish side of me just wants to carry on the way it is - why have relationships when crushes are much much better! He makes me smile and I feel really happy with this weird feeling of contentment with something very little. Maybe in the track way of things, it's going to take six months for him to ask me out - since it took us a year to actually talk. I don't know, the feeling is great as it is. I don't want anymore. I don't want to initiate things anymore. I am happy with him coming to see me in the early evening, where I have less than 10 minutes to enjoy his company before I go home, where it's just me and him and no one else (and no flirty girls in the office).

I feel like I am the...

Only Girl in the World

"Is Buddha testing me again" Round 2: Creating My Own Luck

2011-01-26T17:43:00.000-08:00

What a hell of a fucked up week this has been. I don't even know where to begin, I don't even know why I am blogging this, but despite how tired I am now at 1:45 in the morning and been up since 7 oclock yesterday morning, I feel like I have to document the strange phenomenon of this life's recent mind fuck episode.

Can't remember where the last time I left off, so I was feeling really down and depressed then I managed to pick myself up from the hole in the inner core of the earth and became just about alright again. Right on cue, what do I get? A job interview. At the Surrey County Council for a Legal Support admin job with one day notice. So there I was, thinking fate has it figured out, thinking that I have it all figured out, when I miserably failed in the interview (because I was such a twat who didn't do research on what their council does! DUH!) but didn't really gave too much shit because of Cambodia and the fact that Charlotte came down & I was just in the mood to forget and have fun.

Why is it that every time I wanted happiness, or I feel like I can get away with something not necessarily bad but something that my better judgment would prevent, it always end up punishing me severely for it. Because that's what has happened; I could not go to Cambodia because I am not eligible to apply for a British passport yet, based on their ridiculous definition of residential qualifying period that has a massive massive problem if you were gone in the past 12 months of your application. I can't risk it again, as I might not be let back in the country as residency is not good enough; right to stay is one thing, freedom to move is another. The irony was, I passed the God damn Life in the UK test.. in one minute and fucking thirty seconds.

So no job in Cambodia, no Cambodia, there I was thinking 1. What bad shit have I possibly done to deserve this? 2. I totally deserve this because I didn't try harder in those advantageous interviews that I just let pass, I didn't try the best I could because Cambodia was my security, I wasn't even grateful for those interviews and saw them as a "might as well do it" rather than my chance to actually get a job that I really really want, 3. For fuck's sake - am I to be penalised just because for lack of or trying not hard enough for whoever divine notion figures out my fate, and 4. I can never win, can I? No room for mistakes, no room for slacking, cannot take for granted every single mistake I make because the punishment for that is never commensurate to how trivial the mistake was in the grand scale of things, teaching me lessons on discipline and precision, and the fact that nothing I do is ever good enough - for myself and especially for fucking fate. For a moment, I had given up on my dreams and saw no point of my ambitions. I was stumped so hard, I was more than upset; I was numb, convincing myself that it was not real and like one of those made-up stories that I play around in my head. But no, it was real alright, and there is nothing I can do about it.

Then something happened. Found myself talking to Mr Policy dude Phil at the Council who told me well done, great credit to me for getting funding for my project proposal, and that he needs a Project Manager, and that's me, and how Renouard the guy who can't spell is my assistant, and how my wages are commensurate to 20K a year... wasn't this all too familiar? This was part of the plan... to volunteer there until they pity me so much they'll give me a job... and from what Phil said, "you were lucky, but with your hardwork, you kinda created your own luck".

This could be something profound. The guy's statement is an evidence of what I believe but up until this day, I didn't know that it was possible. That I can control fate, or at least some extent of it. That if I want something badly, fate will let me have some massive and gut-wrenching bumps in the road and make me work my ass off before I ultimately arrive at my destination, and that I am definitely going to get it.

I hope this kind of thing ain't a one off experience.

And I hope that Mr Receptionist Guy still works there. I need to get laid.

CLOSURE

2011-01-15T18:34:00.000-08:00

What a BIG word.

I have somehow entered a phase in life where I am lost, and distraction does not do exactly what you want it to do. You confuse happiness with distraction, and with much intoxication that seemed the best idea you have had in a very long time, it makes you wonder later on whether it was worth it all along...

It's like stuck in reverse; being in the same position as you were years ago, but knowing that you have changed and you give yourself worth for thinking that it has some intrinsic worth the fact that things have changed, but slowly washed with the realisation that while nothing really REALLY changes, the things that change are really those that you are not happy about, and things that you can't control anyway. Does that make sense?

Recently I felt like a menopausal woman who has not really conquered anything to get menopausal about; age, children, career... the lot. Today at work I got really teary about how unfair things are, and how shit they are, and knowing that there's nothing I can do about it, and punishng myself for getting bothered about it, henceforth tears start streaming down my face, looking at myself in the mirror with an expression of sadness and pity at the image. This can't be me. What is going on with me? I feel so far removed from everything, like I have ceased connection with anyone, anything, everything. I just feel like hiding myself because no one will miss it, no one will realise anything is wrong. I used to be surrounded with meaningful friendships, but now I feel totally and utterly alone. With nothing but artificial friendships and superficial conversations, sometimes I am better off just talking to myself because at least I am not talking shit just like the rest of them.

There is this shameful inadequacy; that after all this time, after all that I have done, after all I have sought to establish my indepedence, I am not totally happy with myself. My self esteem has never been that high, but it has never really been this low. I am sruggling to cope with the limbo.. and what seemed to me was a great time an hour ago felt like a fucking million years ago of fake laughter. Of things that barely scratched the surface, combined with self-loathing that didn't even involve trying and made it seem fruitless to do so anyway. Happiness is neither here or there, and one person said to me, it's all about comparative advantage.

And after all this time, I still think about that person. I need closure. But how do I get it? Paul said I might be resolved to reach closure on the things (or lack of) that I have, seeing as I have no clue what happened at all. It was all just an unfortunate gush of wind that was love and separate destinies all rolled into one big pile of mess that is Kim and Jeremy. I should have just fucking left it the way it was; I used him, he didn't care, he saw me as a weekend shag as I saw him too. So there would not have been any previous moral high grounds, guilt, inadvertent but slightly intentional punishment that he was wishing would go unnoticed by me. Why, after all this time, why is he still on my mind.

Dear Jeremy,

Just really fancy a rant

2011-01-07T12:58:00.000-08:00

Today is a most gracious Friday night in Brighton..

and I came home with apple pie & custard, Doritos with salsa, and Toffee cheesecake. Is there something wrong with this?

So I did go sightseeing - that came with a big price. I wish I can just enjoy and have fun without feeling so pissed off with how much things cost. Yeah, it's time to go back to Kampuchea. I am so friggin' BORED - which I never feel. With everyone else just happy indoors with their loved ones, my feeling for inadequacy and loneliness is just about reaching its peak.

I looked back at my pictures in Cambodia.. and.. damn.. life was just more exciting. Not that it was that crazy.. sometimes I did feel bored.. but I was able to do something with that. There was always something to see, or not even things to go to, but things to experience.. such as just going to the park and watch people dance. Or go street food hunting. Or going to the lounge at Top Bananna - someone will always wanna talk. Or there's always Sovy who spices things up - whether just going round his Camry or causing wreckage indoors. I don't know.. I just don't like it here. Nothing to do, no one to talk to. No one to go clubbing with, no one to get drunk or get pizza with. It's time to go. I have to go. I cannot stand this place.

And to this note.. I am listening to Hotel Califonia.

Today is Castle Hopping Day!!

2011-01-05T22:52:00.000-08:00

This weird sleeping pattern is getting really fucked up. Thank you the Lion & Lobster, you have made me into a very weird vampire recently.

L&L is going good- bonding really well with Mike (who I have kebab dates with) and Ali who is the only person kind and patient enough to listen to my travelling stories. As much as I love Senan, Lizzie, Rebecca and everyone else, there is still that lack of connection in the air. Maybe give it sometime, it probably won't happen but I remain optimistic. Nobody has time nor patience for semantics. Was getting quite bored of the getting drunk routine until NYE - where we got hammered at the pub and at a club, and ended up at this girl Helena's house with obscene writing on my faces (everyone had some form of moustache but I had "pussy" and "clunge" written all over mine, thanks Mike) and I was given a "how to pick up at the bar" session with Stelios. The dude is just delusional - although he has one point though, men get interested when you make them feel small. Emasculation as the best pick up line. Simply the best.

Started off the new year with ridiculous upper middle class gloriously pompous 1st class assholes wanting something for nothing and manipulatively taking the piss out of bar staff to put up with their upper middle class taunt of humiliating bar staff getting paid £5.93 an hour. I pray to Buddha that he will wipe those smirks off your faces when you realise that investing on the stock market in England had lost all your life savings and must turn into selling Big Issue.

Nothing much has been going on, especially in this part of the world where time, money, and fun are scarce resources. I did some job hunting and booked my blasted citizenship test for the 21st of this month, so it's all real - taking the first step away from this place and mould myself into where things do fucking matter. Family life is a little bit tits up at the moment - with my effort for wanting to take Jakey to a decent enjoyable trip to the Bluebell Railway, I had to put up with my estranged sister's mother complex (the word "mother" is used liberally) and insecurity that it's best to leave her thoughts to it because the only thing she could do is retaliate. Furthermore, for the first time I was made to feel 16 years old again as my mother borrowed money from me again as I rejoiced in saving £350 quid in my first month of working. This is exactly why I lost interest in saving - because somebody ungraciously takes it from you before you earn any interest on it. Not that I didn't want to give it, but could have waited two months so at least I could have enjoyed that euphoria that boded well with my psychological approach on spending. So now all I want to do is buy a new camera (I do need one) and shit loads of stationery from Cath Kidston.

Today, I shall resume my hobby of castle and museum hopping. Starting off to the Brighton Pavillion to Preston Manor, hopefully with time to do Lewes Castle too and have lunch at the L&L. I have very few pleasures in life, and the sight of castles really make me sooo happy.

29th December - Sexual Healing

2011-01-05T22:46:00.002-08:00

29th December 2010

After having woken up with dreams of sexual nature and involving some elements of Crime and Punishment, I have reached the conclusion that I am a slave to this new nocturnal pattern and I need to get fucking laid soon because it’s driving me insane. I had a reasonably good day off despite waking up at 5 o’clock in the afternoon, and proceeded onto the thought that I should go out, have a steak with Keren and play Wii games with her. It was great catch up time that was not as cringing as I once dreaded and apprehended. Got shit loads done – more importantly I have managed to secure a technician to look at our failing broadband system that prevents this issue from being published online.

So I get an email from Morgan, the second once since my birthday. Here, he was wishing me Merry Christmas and told me things he was doing, which consisted of two lines of how hard he worked and where, and spending Christmas with mum and Mr. John. Just typical and exactly the kind of email he always sends me about how his life revolves around his work, his drunk mother and his adorable dog. I suppose I ought to welcome it, seeing that the last email I sent him gave him the essentials of our relationship – “volatile, incompatible... just not ready”.

I think I am currently experiencing a momentary relapse. Just as I had told Martha that I could go back to Morgan, have it great (and it will be great for the first few weeks), have great sex, eradicate that lonesome feeling so easily, I will not do so because I do not have amnesia. That for those great times and great sex, the consequences and repercussions were much greater than what I can imagine or could I possibly comprehend until the very end when I’m in the shit. It will be much easier to ignore Morgan and him to ignore me, but he’s getting under my skin with slight irritation and with some consequence that I am ashamedly entertaining the thought of him. He is simply BANNED subject in relation to my heart and libido...

Yesterday I had a Jeremy relapse too. I think I have just realised that I texted the wrong number, so I tried a different one and where normally you would hear a Khmer voice telling you “sorry” (yes, that’s how I fucking felt about myself too and I don’t need an automated message to tell me that), this one actually rang and as it was picked up, I panicked and hung up. It’s all well and good to stalk him like this, fantasise what he would be doing at the other end of the line, that the phone reminds him of my existence that otherwise would not enter his feeble narrow mind. However, it is certainly not healthy to play with fire; so if he does answer, what comes next? What do I say? Hi? I think we’re past the stage of “hi” and things are certainly now rather awkward. If I obviously carried on with Hi and made it seem that everything is fine and dandy, I would put the phone down hating myself for it. Never a win-win situation, especially for me, and that’s the price to pay for tempting fate. For controlling and influencing fate by means of a long distance phone call as an attention-seeking mechanism to remind him of my gullible existence in the other side of the planet.

After the Tim saga (that was like, a week of wrongful obsession and lust), I felt my mind revert back to Jeremy default. It is true what they say that you can never get over someone until you find someone new. Shall I just grin and bear that until someone comes along? Could I possibly be like Martha who spends years being just hooked with one person where there is no commitment or love in return? Still, life here is not as an emotional train wreck as it is in Cambodia. Here, I am relatively stable because I have a family and work life that keeps me rooted to being sane on the spot. The kind of stability that does me a great deal of good is something I do appreciate right now, and the only thing that made me think is about when I am to find the next one. I wish that I can train my mind to become emotionally independent, have another default thought that does not revert to men and my loneliness and my craving for some touch. Unless and until that day happens, I am just going to find myself having Jeremy in my head as the first and last thoughts of my day, starting another cycle of “here we go again” until the damn sight fades away.

25th December - Christmas 2010

2011-01-05T22:46:00.001-08:00

Christmas 2010

I walked home drunk from the pub again this morning at 8:00. It was a good night: music, shots and alcohol fuelled that it nearly became an open bar when the customers left. People were good and fun as ever; with an optimistic hunt for kebabs at 6:00 a.m. (where there was NONE) we found ourselves dragged into Stelios’ house in Brunswick Place with 10 bottles of wine that none were consumed somehow (ate cheeseballs and pizza though). It was lame, yes, but our bodies could not hack any more alcohol after Yanni force-feeding us shots. Christmas time, after all.
As I was walking for an hour making my way to my respectable home, I realised how unhappy my life is right now. Last night I saw with my very two eyes the kind of thing Tim and Javen have, just when I was about to talk normally to Tim. Slightly envious of this young 19 year old girl and how could she possibly have this intelligent and nice guy who by far is out of her league (and could possibly wing in mine), love and lust are precarious elements of a ridiculously horny and lonely 24 year old self. Putting my mind at ease, my thoughts reverted back to Jeremy default position, where I pined, felt bitter, then felt suicidal at the end of it. The evidence is, having a month of adamant zero contact, I texted him Merry Christmas with a connotation of anger and impatience. It didn’t work though, because he didn’t text me back. Yeah, happy fucking holidays to you, too.

I spoke to Paul, because I wanted to speak to someone related to some alien happiness I had months ago. He is alright, spending Christmas in Siem Reap and sounds incredibly Australian than ever. I am sure that phone call cost 20 quid but unlike my phone call to Jeremy, this one is by far more worth it. I am having an existentialist crisis combined with incredibly low self esteem. I feel numb, dumb, unexcited, limited, shallow, albeit ego increasing a little bit with the help of alcohol. The only comfort is the very numbered euphoric moments when drunk, followed by a self-loathing session on the way home. What the fuck am I doing in this place? I know it’s not England’s fault, but I just feel terribly down at the moment that blaming someone or something is the next best thing. Be it having a go at Virgin people for their template-ridden call centre work or sadistically cursing those Christmas cards from “Stephanie and Richard” and “Keren and Stu”... the reaction is the same, I cannot easily isolate things as clearly as I used to. I hate myself for it, that I don’t have the patience to be understanding and accepting any more. Accepting things I cannot control or things that I do not prefer or do not like to hear. My life is changing, and why does that realisation have to come from a drunken haze?

I know this self-depreciating habit is fucking tiresome to me and to all; after all, I have that job in Cambodia, I leave in April, I am in a position to earn and save some money, I am making new friends, I have been eating really well and enjoying myself (despite some early morning consequences). However, my life this month feels like a constant hangover, where at the back of your head there are those nagging whispers about “you should be this, you should do that, you’re fucking lazy, this and that” but you just cannot possibly hold your head up to rise up to it. Something is lacking, the passion in my career is lacking, which I hope will be solved when I go back to run the NGO. But right now, I guess I’ll just have to stay put and enjoy the non- consequential phases of life and its intoxicating pressures for now.
So what part of that non-consequential phase involves some fucked up love story? Obviously, Tim is out of the picture... I could not possibly try to get in the middle of something so fragile and (in many ways) rather unethical seeing as he is one of my bosses. It does not help my self esteem that all the other bar maids are getting asked out a lot and for me there are no dates lined up. Today I celebrate three month anniversary of the last time I got laid... and I don’t know how to celebrate in style except watch Tess of the D’Urbervilles and eat Ferrero Roche. I suppose it could be worse... look at Tess, she has been fucked up by men of all virtues and assholeness. What choice do mortal women have, if Tess could not even be happy and ended up getting hanged for killing that man who raped her and lied to her and used her and exploited her and whose existence prevented the man she loved from being a proper husband and ended up leaving her to work in some God forsaken potato farm wearing rags while he was off in Brazil probably fucking some other woman to learn about “farming”.

Yeah, I have no fucking chance.

21st December - All about Tim

2011-01-05T22:44:00.000-08:00

So, I find myself with another blow to the head and heart of my own. Intoxication has never been more appropriate in times of stifling another ache (to say heartache would be too cheesy) in much need of controlling oneself and finding unattainable optimism in these tragic scenarios.

Tim. First time at the Lion and Lobster, he led me upstairs for an interview with one of my bosses, Danielle. I thought I recognised him, for some reason thought of seeing him in one of the clubs I have much frequented in my student days, pictured him in some smoky room either at the Gloucester or the Pavtav. Either way I know that I recognise such familiar face. He turns out to be one of my bosses in current training; works shit hard but lovely to the max. When I realised that Mike has a girlfriend, I latched my wandering eye and uncontrollable libido on to Tim, who is just lovely and not bad looking. Through much sources and girl talk, I acquired valuable information such as where he studied (Sussex – that’s why he was familiar) and what he studied (Economics and Politics – 1st class degree – I gotta fucking stop liking hot social science geeks!). He was always very pleasing, polite, but with an occasional and discreet bad ass demeanour at times – always giving me the opportunity to tell people to fuck off at the end of the night. He is the type to look after you, make sure that you are okay and happy, and won’t let you do things that you do not want to do. Nice, kind, reliable, responsible and fun – the fucking lot – he even saved me from falling table and chairs once. It was (or is?) a week of utmost lust I have found myself in for such a long time. Despite the bloodshot eye he had at that time, making him look like an adorable puppy you just want to kiss and hug all the time. Also combined with that beautiful mouth he has matching adorable dimples – I would give anything in the world for him to smile.

I remember the first time I actually got drank at the pub courtesy of Simon (Mr Payslip Man) and his mate who bought us tequila shots (at my request). I was angry at Stellios for fucking hanging around when I wanted to go home as quickly as I could because of the snow, when Tim asked me if I drink at all, with me replying “oh yes, I do, but not during work”. I did exactly the opposite and I come home tonight drunk again as I had been doing in the past two weeks, completely contradicting myself and one man fucking knows about it and probably has the inner satisfaction of knowing it. Regardless, he sang me a tequila song that was ridiculously amusing and never have I heard anyone in living memory actually singing it to me, and that was probably the Tim thing that I will never forget ever.

Then there was my birthday, exactly last week. I wanted shots, he wanted to buy it, I managed not to let him buy it (I played the “let me enjoy my money card” and touched upon the unpaid work I did for a year) and mildly bantering in the form of nearly an inch punch on his face whenever he was behind me and I felt like it. I dressed to kill, with a boob tube dress that was short as hell, with a face to kiss and trying to get laid (which I didn’t) but my efforts fell into pieces as an unexpected male friend turned up and ruined chances of me chatting up Tim. Nevertheless, I got drunk to at least try.

I think at one point we were getting quite friendly – like comfortably friendly. Once we ran past each other on the stairs with him saying in the most adorable voice, “Kim Kim Kim Kim!!” and I mimicked, “Tim Tim Tim Tim!!” – yeah, that was fun although of very little consequence. I love it when he works upstairs with his proper black shirt and nice black tight trousers – yes, I am addicted to buns of steel (wording courtesy of Jamie). Not really much has gone on because we’re always so busy at the pub and we don’t talk a lot, but it was pleasant being around him. To add that whenever I got drunk, I used to badly stare at him (it’s like an out of body experience) and once fought with him about getting my drinks (long story – upshot is that I didn’t want him to get up and serve me a drink and he obeyed – good man!). Once, there were plans of going back to Lizzie’s and he was a massive lame by saying he got doctor’s appointment and ended up kissing me lightly on the cheek and me touching him just very slightly as he was pulling away. Fuck – that’s when the realisation hit me how much I like this guy.

Waking up mortified about previous nights’ events I resolved to staying away from him on those drunken nights and bantering with the others – resulted badly in touching upon a Brokeback Mountain thing going on between Jamie and Mike ended up falling on table 7 with its chairs crashing down – oops – and resorting to Tim’s attention every now and again to redeem myself but not flirtatiously of course (asking him if “existentialism” is a big word and if I am really a horrible person). I tried minimal contact with him as much as possible knowing the full consequences of my drunk mouth in full – but I saw that in funny banters involving me and the rest of the staff he does laugh (hopefully with me and not at me). However, it is not working – the more I stay away, the more obsessed I get. I realised that when he bent over next to me and I just had to leave the bar for five seconds because I swear, I would have fucking groped him had I stayed with that thing on the air.
So with my obsession with Tim I did my research with the other staff. So far, Les, Lizzie, and Charlotte know – and Flo – who delivered me honest but bad news. Tim is shagging Javen.

I didn’t even feel anger, I just remember burying my head on my hands for lack of appropriate response. This is just so fucking typical, I thought. Why is there constant rejection in my life? Like I deal with it in small to huge doses every day of my fucking waking moment in this world – in life, work, and love. Whether it comes from this or a stupid rejection letter from the post, the effect is an instantaneous self pitying and escalating depreciation of oneself that sometimes I wonder why fucking bother at all. And I fucking like Javen, too. It didn’t really surprise me, I had some subconscious suspicions – I was just gutted with the rejection stamped on my forehead and that is just from finding out background research. Seriously, I am fucking fed up of going for what I want in this life because most of the time, it doesn’t really work out and I am just, just, tired.
And you know what even sucks the most – is that at some point I will hear references to this. I hope that I may be able to block it out subconsciously and not realise those things I sure do not want to see or hear, but I am not completely removed or impervious from this. I sure wish I am.

For fuck’s sake. That is my overall reaction to this.

Insomnia or Bizaare Sleeping Pattern?

2010-12-06T18:37:00.001-08:00

2:30 a.m. on a very familiar ground

Having got out of bed for the second time as for the first time, reading the Life in the UK book has not put me to sleep as usually expected.

Things on my mind:
1. Gotta wake up at 7 to get to Eastbourne Trading Standards
2. Bit worried about project work at TS
3. Interview next week for National Probation Service
4. Christmas shopping
5. Fuck! It's my birthday next week

I fucking hate Christmas. I usually love my birthdays (of course!) but this year is rather weird and bizaare. It was not as bad as I thought; I have a job earning my own money, potentially have a venue for my birthday (dining hall - The Lion & Lobster and a discount on food) and a fabulous dress to match the occasion, not to mention having shed a few pounds since I started bar work. Bliss.

Was supposed to spend birthday with Chloe and Tom in London, thinking that no one wants to spend it with me. But got a txt from Keren that led to a conversation which was great and refreshing - things are not all lost as I thought. The gap of disconnection is getting smaller, perhaps it was just a time, space, and mind frame issue. Nevertheless, good friends stay loyal as Keren does. Even though I have not been exactly the greatest friend ever and was fleetingly wondering about the expiration date on friendships. I obviously stand corrected, and she upper-handedly persuaded me to make plans on my birthday when I was not feeling that grand about it. It's going to be a good 24th birthday shindig - just our lot: Keren, Lucy, Fiona, Stephanie and Chloe. With a vintage jacket from Escada and a tulip LBD to show off my new regulated curves, I am ready to grab 24 by the balls.

I suppose I have always been averse to change, especially where it hurts. For a period of time, I resented things here: how everyone has moved on, how things have changed, how I feel stuck, and how I feel lost, alienated and neglected. Half of those things were only natural and the other half was badly self-induced. I cannot have possibly expected to come back and things would be as how same same they were, and burden others with that kind of expectation. I have learned to just accept the pace of life and where it leads us, and as time may play tricks on us, more important things such as loyalty and friendship are not easily lost in time. And you need people like Keren to remind you of that. It does not mean they care any less, it does not mean that they no longer think of the best intentions, it just means that life has a new chapter for us and we have to adapt, set insecurities aside and ride on to whatever changes our friendships may bring, as they are never bad, but just need getting used to.

Apart from getting rejected by the Council because I could not demonstrate my understanding of internal relationships in the council (leaving me the conclusion that I will never have success where bureaucracy trumps over common sense), the "reverse culture shock" is slowly fading away. I have found that I am more controlled about my own money and the inclination to save trumps over any desire over shoes and clothes. Glad to know that the old saving Kim is back, so all that was needed was to get some perspective in a third world country to improve my ability to spend wisely. Perhaps still impatient as ever, things are a lot more clear cut with the increased ability to see through bullshit and trusting my instincts a lot more. Guess that's the art of growing up: some 3:00 a.m. self reflection.

Goodbye Jeremy

2010-11-29T04:49:00.001-08:00

As I sip a cup of tea that has gone cold in the past 10 minutes due to this sensationally cold winter November, the realisation hit me that it is not healthy to be obsessed about Jeremy anymore. Paul emailed me yesterday, saying that he got a weird vibe from him over dinner upon having mentioned my plans of returning. Still no word from him, I am prepared to write him off as a very bad insurance claim that cost way too much for very little return. Despite the fact that of all the men it was him who I wanted to keep in my life for whatever it takes, I suppose he's better off joining my other disposable ex-boyfriends who took more than they gave and used me just as much as he did, because that's obviously what he was, where he wanted to be and probably where he rightfully belongs.

I am so sick of whining and crying. I honestly don't know if this whole fucking saga is just one big massive karma... a big price to pay for those two months of fooling around and toying with Jeremy's emotions, when I thought after four years of hell with Morgan, I was entitled to not give a shit about other people and such consequences. But no, I am forever tied with my conscience, bound to never take such things lightheartedly and that I cannot just have "fun" with sexual exploits. Never to play with fire again. It was great while it lasted, but in retrospect, had I known how much trouble, grief, and broken heart it was turning out to be, it probably was not worth it.

Alas, my life in England awaits, I am resolved never to spare one minute of my life here thinking of him, thinking of what will happen in Cambodia, thinking of anything related to him, full stop. It's time that I take control of my life, not distract myself and not love someone who in the end probably does not deserved to be loved at all, completely dedicate myself to the pursuit of solitary happiness or just get a fucking dog in Cambodia.

Iam done. Enough. No more.

"Maybe" it's not meant to be...?

2010-11-26T03:44:00.000-08:00

Jeremy's birthday came and I rang him on my expensive mobile phone as I made my way to Wimbledon train station from Mac's house. Just when I thought I had things figured out, my mouth gets me in more trouble than I could ever possibly control.

It started off really great, he told me about his trip to Preah Vihear, what was going on at the Post, and everything else. Then, I blurted out my news, that seemed to get a "oh wow!" reception, and as the conversation drew to a halt, I said a very casual "see you soon" and I got a not-so-casual "maybe" from him.

Yeah, just "maybe".

Should've just fucking stuck to the plan of emailing him, at least I need not have confronted the response and he can choose to respond however he likes. But no, I had to be stupid and careless, believing that he would want to hear it from me, and what better time to tell him of this good news but his birthday? But that's just me. Completely idiotic move, especially with Jeremy, it's like treading on eggshells and you can't rock the boat. Nicely done Kim.

It's funny because apart from the fact that I intentionally didn't want to tell him that over the phone (because it could go horribly wrong, as it just DID), telling him was somehow subconsciously seeking for some reaction that I really did not need to her nor does it matter, but the conversation made it matter anyhow. My decision to go back to Cambodia was made ultimately for reasons not primarily involving him - the dream job, the salary, the good life - but why was I so keen on him playing a part in it? Was it not enough that I made the decision based on my best interests and not make it as some sort of romantic fantasy where it's all going to end up in tragedy in the end? Did I not want to follow my heart which landed me in the best possible situation and solution to my short-term career frustrations here in England, that I simply had to jeopardise that with some childish love that is probably not reciprocated? Now, because of my fucking insanity, it made me think of whether he would want to see me again or not, which was not a factor, need not be and should not be. And I am scared that with this slight indiscretion, will it make me cold feet about going back?

THE ANSWER IS NO. I have made enough mistakes concerning Jeremy already. This chance will not be one of them.

As to fault, I don't know if Jeremy is to blame for some of it. He probably felt ambushed, fair enough, but you'd only feel that if you were scared or uncomfortable or not wanting to pursue any further encounter. Not that I would force us back to our default position, but there was a part of me that was glad to be able to see him, when I thought it would take years for that to happen again. I am past analysing men's actions, since it does no good to dwell on them, but merely just to accept and know how to act. Well, that's the theory anyway. I am just really angry at myself for landing in such a ridiculous situation which I could have easily spared myself this grief had I been more cautious.

And now, he is not responding to my email. It has been a week. It's not promising.

Paul said not to hinge anything on him at all. He remembered that night he just left and broke my heart, and that it broke his too. Thinking about it, it must have been awful for someone to hear my wailing of broken heart and shattering disappointments. As everyone said, I deserve better. That whatever Jeremy is going through, it is not my job to deal with it and he has to come to terms with it, otherwise it destroys good things. In this case, it destroys me.

I probably knew that I could not have kept him in my life forever. It was nice to have had that luxury long enough, but maybe that's not enough anymore. I need to set boundaries, otherwise I will feel lost again in the midst of confusing comfort and uncertainty. It could not have gone on for longer, and I am happy that it went on for as long as it did, and maybe, just "maybe", it's not meant to be.

On Second Thoughts....

2010-11-13T13:37:00.000-08:00

As far as my decisiveness as to the Jeremy matter I thought concluded.. I was enlightened from a conversation with my muslim unhappily married best friend who put things in a realistic perspective. To partly my shame and embarrassment, Dina highlighted how, in the grand scale of things, "I love you" is just ridiculously overrated, that I am actually rather lucky, and I must find content in ways that are unconventional.

The fact that I do not wish to tell Jeremy of my return would be appalling; as far as on the bare minimum that we are friends, a friend would feel awful if I kept such a simple matter from him. He might feel hurt with hiding such simple truth that, in one occasion he secretly hoped and contemplated, and will feel affected in any decision involving Cambodia and me and him potentially still being in Cambodia when I come back. How could I have been so stupid in thinking that I alone can control these things, unable to foresee how others would feel in my self-regarding act, and that nobody can possibly be affected or should be allowed to play their role in my life, and expect them to still be in it? I learn everyday that my foresight is astoundingly ridiculously selfish, that with such conviction I ask everyone to support me unquestioningly, and with such questions I think very insultingly, as an attempt to control or undermine me. I whine and cry about how my life revolves around others and taking care of them, when in fact, they also uphold their end of the bargain by taking what comes with me and the whole entirety of it, sticking by me with disregard of their reservations or emotions, with unrelentless happiness and support for me. I must learn not to be selfish.

But on the other hand, the reaction might just be a hypothetical one: that is to assume that he would care as far as me being a deciding factor in whether he stays or not. That also does not rest easily with me that in so informing him about my return, he inevitably becomes a part of something that I don't want him to have an influence on, i.e. my decision to go back. I cannot look back and must look forward.

That is, however, committing the cardinal sin of expecting things to be the same as I had left it. I recalled advising myself never to force people to be with you out of default and I did ignore that when Jeremy arrived to PP in May. I just assumed that we pick up where we left off, which took Jeremy a great deal for granted. Providing obviously that if he did not want to be with me, he can do as he pleases, but he just unquestioningly followed suit albeit being more guarded than usual (which is understandable). With my distrust over making rational decisions about men, reality, fantasy, career... IN CAMBODIA, my main concern was not to let Jeremy be a part of any decision to go back. However, it was rightly pointed out that it was never about him to begin with. The job chose me; it was out of the blue, completely unexpected, I did not even applied for it but it there for me to take it. I was offered a job where two months here did not get me anywhere near as far as this. Even more so that this job was offered to me in the full knowledge of what I am like, based on my characteristics and conviction. None of that had Jeremy written all over it, and so I should not question my motivations since I only left Cambodia because the dream job was not happening, I am now coming back because the dream job is definitely happening, and Jeremy never played a role in any of those decisions to begin with.

Fair point. It is true that had I got close to anything like this, I would not have left Cambodia when I did. It had the words "human rights", "CV", "long term career prospects", "networking", "excitement", "fulfilling" and "financial viability" written all over it. Remember also that when I wanted to break up, he was "vehemently against it" so I was not even allowed to break up with him. If he really didn't care, he could have just counted his losses, thanks for a very good time and fucked off without further ado. He needed not have stayed with me, under no expectation or obligation or otherwise. But he stayed with me until the very, when it was so easy to leave as given to him in the most favourable circumstances.

He was not much of an emotional teddy bear. Hardly opens up, but reassures me of his attachment and affections and tells me how he feels when I am down or when the situation warrants it. He never said I love you, but his actions speak louder than words. In Rabbit Island, he started to open up a little. He was worried about how he comes across to people. He said that I have these connections with people, making them trust and confide in me. I now know of his insecurity, and it is my greatest asset, my ease to talk to people and the ability to keep them.

Thinking about it now, he made so much effort with me, for someone who I cheated on and for someone who did not have to be with me. He said that himself, he wouldn't have flown for a weekend from Singapore to PP if he didn't like me that much. He is still emailing me, when I have left and probably no point in carrying on. Looking back at the things I was mad about, they seemed trivial and rather spoiled brattish. I'd say I want this, he say yes let's do it. He finishes work late, hardly ever made his tiredness an excuse, makes himself nice and fresh to take me out to dinner. I was very demanding and high maintenanced, which he thought was cute and not such a big deal. If he just wanted me for sex, he would have told me everything I wanted to hear, but he didn't. Always ran the risk of offending me, but it was honest and true, things I value more than empty words. I overlooked contentment, and right now I am hitting myself on the head for thinking I was used when it was just a pride thing.

I was such an idiot. And I am glad to have a second chance to make it up to him.

How do you solve a problem like Jeremy?

2010-11-13T03:32:00.000-08:00

Ok,Jeremy's not strictly the problem.. but you know.. THE SITUATION.

Listening to "sro lang" and "knyom" which meant something like I love.. whatever.. well, I have managed to get very little sleep with the prospect of a long term move.

And the fact that.. damn.. I'm gonna have to face the inevitable.

Before I would go to sleep, I would imagine Jeremy and I seeing each other again when we're older, wiser, and probably hornier. Haha, just kidding. But you know what I mean. I saw the setting in Top Banana (where else?) with some good awkwardness combined with a manic passionate glint in the eye. But even in my dreams I knew that what was before was no longer enough. That the uncertainty was tolerated for a period of uncertainty in my life, so it suited me. However, that is no longer the case. I shall be living there for some period, and so will he, providing that the Post does not go bust in May and he might go back. Regardless of him and friends being around, I want to make the decision of coming back based on what I want alone. Damn, I have learned a lot from my mistakes last year. Obviously, the beach was an operative factor in my decisions.

Another operative factor in my decision is not to let any man shape my present and my future. That any man given that prerogative should be worth the risk, heartache, as well as the happiness and precious time. So, how you solve a problem like Jeremy?

What I had in my head and delirious imagination was...
He sees me, I see him, we both hug with huge smiles on our faces and some innuendos sketched across our body language. He will put his arm around me at some point, making some form of physical contact. Then, I'll have to be strong and stop.

I cannot carry on like we were before. On very very good days, I think he has made me happy, truly happy and content. He respects me and values my opinions, where other men have considered it a curse to have a girlfriend with strong conviction. The majority of the time, he accomodated me and never saw me as high maintenance, and had high regard for my demanding nature. On a really really really bad day, however, he made me feel used. That I was too convenient, that he might as well when the opportunity was there, and that was perfectly understandable. I could not have expected him to wear his heart on his sleeve, and the things I was angry about were those that cannot be helped. All that I understand, but I cannot go back. He knows how I feel, he knows he was not disposable just like the rest of them, that I want to keep him in my life no matter what. But I also ought to give myself the best, what I deserve, and that is, to have exactly what I want. That is, if he loves me.

How could I have been so stupid in not thinking of possibilities of our futures being entwined? How could I, in telling him on an email about my feelings, in the belief that I won't be seeing him for a few years, or in the belief that there was no longer a point to it, have overlooked things I cannot control. This will always be my downfall, the inability to see things I have no hold of, but there is so much control over whether I should accept that job or not. Of course, acceptance is not even a debate, it is given. However, it scared the shit out of me the thought of seeing him and making him choose the right course of action if he wants to keep me in his life. Is that fair? Is that not fair? On me? On him? I am no longer sure. But ultimately, it is myself I have to make the decision for, how fair it will be for me and not for him, and how it will mitigate any kind of heartache pending this awesome Cambodia part 3 adventure.

Cambodia.. here I come.

The Kingdom Awaits

2010-11-12T16:38:00.000-08:00

And so does Kim...

Things have gone from bad, to worse, to downright ugly (involving hours of watching period drama), to upright great ass quality in Contreras-ville. Kim found a job in....

HOLIDAY IN CAMBODIA, IT'S TOUGH THERE BUT IT'S LIFE, IT'S A HOLIDAY IN CAMBODIA, DON'T FORGET TO PACK A LIGHT!!!

Fuck me, is all I can say. I was looking for a job in England, UK. What part of that is Phnom Penh, Cambodia??!? Remember PJJ, who promised me a salary when they get funding? Well, let's say I had an incredibly cynical phase with my future in Cambodia that all hopes of working there was airy fairy bullshit. But as my dizzy head and churning stomach from an awful bus ride from Eastbourne read the email from the Director, there it says...

"I still remember what I said with you. If you have no job yet I want to invite you to work with PJJ, but salary only $600"

OMFG. Buddha has been listening to my prayers. Or strictly, my imaginary musings of life outside England. There is religion, in the name of Buddhism. I shall convert, learn khmer, and will get married khmer style.

So having alerted my friends as to the nearing prospect of going back, I cried with the utter disbelief and excitement of it. I am returning to the place I love, in a capacity of good opportunity and happiness. I have a job that has real responsibilities, pays 6 times more than average Cambodian wage, being mere 23 years old and hungry for worth like the wolf. Working for a place that stands for good cause, doing exactly what I want to do, and being in a position to get some money is an unprecedented expectation and total shock. It would be good for my career, for my stamina and my appetite for doing things differently, and doing things that matter.

Not to mention that my life there would be great; I can have my own apartment or live with Anne Marie who I believe has a spare room. I have my own money and hopefully will be enough to live on and afford the monthly beach excursion to Otres or Rabbit Island. See my old friends, my khmer family, my old moto drivers. Return to the place that had my heart beating a million beats per minute, astounded with their kindness and contentment, in the heart of (in some instances) darkness. I can be who I am, the fact that the Director remembered her promise, that I was worthy to be paid that money when khmer people live on a lot less. She believes in me, wants me to work for her, and I am not going to let her down for giving me this break. This is how I must prove my worth: not for the money, not for the CV, but for making a difference.

Ultimately, I just want to make a difference.

I look at my past blogs, how I spoke, how I funny I even seemed, how creative I was with my thoughts. Right now, I feel rather empty and unchallenged, relying on the weekly voluntary work for the Council that gives me some form of dubious meaning. I feel the need to cover my honesty, it is never thus appreciated in this place. How I have to conform to conventionality and in many ways, the bullshit and the sucking up and the manipulation of the system. Well, people are reduced to such creatures on the doings of a very paternalistic and corrupt mind of those who rule and those who have power. I am no stranger to unfairness and inequality, I am rather used to seeing injustice and poverty and how people should not expect a medal for their sufferings and misfortunes. This place makes me doubt my convictions, downplay my true worth to make way for expectations and mind-games, accept true injustice and misleading care. For my mind cannot grow here, could I have possibly outgrown England and its comforts?

Everything is relative, and at certain times, almost incredibly typical. Time and space play a trick of its own, and so does coincidences (is there such thing?). Yesterday I got a rather simple but loaded email from an estranged ex-boyfriend who I know will always love me forever. 3 words sum up my stance: incompatible, volatile, and not ready. Last night, I saw news of my ex-boss who was a mere intern then became a director of an NGO, now the Acting Head Chief of the Defense Support Unit of the Khmer Rouge Tribunal. I was told that as far as credibilities go, he became Director of CCHR due to luck and chance, and saving CCHR from administrative ruin. I wish to be like that, I need a window, and I need to get into the KRT. This job will do it, I can ask the Director to help me. I can achieve my goal. And that goal, fortunately, does not involve any pretentiousness or people-pleasing, but involves guts and conviction as what the Director saw in me. I am going to get there.

Combined that with today's events such as being told by my boss at the Council, "I want to employ you but we have no money" to "If you have no job I want to invite you to work for PJJ", and the fact that I have not unpacked my black suitcase with my clothes from Cambodia - the string of events have been rather profound in seeking it from a very low self esteem point of view.

Even more pressing matters are at hand. How to solve a problem like Kim telling Jeremy that she loves him....

Kim needs a routine

2010-11-09T13:17:00.000-08:00

Before I went to London, I was consumed with house responsibilities that involved getting up my arse and doing stuff. It led to me losing a few pounds, nearly back to my 9 st acceptable weight (and not fucking 10) but I am guessing that my recent lifestyle had me lost in contemplation, eating and sitting on my ass and watching 4OD.

I am still jobhunting, nevertheless. But I think that's what's been getting me down.

Last week there were two interviews in law firms; one was dodging me, the other one loved me but would not hire me. One was diabolical, apparently I was too humane and not ambitious enough for them (fair do's... it's a recruitment company). Council got back to me, for a Legal Officer job, where I was callously told that I lacked relevant experience. So erm.. let's see.. law degree, legal internships, experience in local authority, local court, law firms, charities and NGOs... yeah... that's not fucking relevant, now, is it?

So this is what Kim is up against, the unfathomable question of why I am not employable, despite dipping my toe from all sorts of jobs from menial to skilled. That is obviously beyond my control, and obviously does not do well being dwelled upon. But it is not healthy for me, I have been waking up facing another day of dread and bureaucracy. Another day of proving my worth to people who don't bother hearing it. This is a stupid life, highly not well received, and human worth utterly taken for granted. And of me despising unconventionality, I am entering one of the most traditional and conventional (not to mention conservative) professions of all. Yap mong, is all I can say.

So Kim goes to Keren's party where I initially was having second thoughts of attending. It was quite fun, although for some reason and of nobody's fault but my own, I felt out of place and almost out of touch. Despite talking to my heart's content and laughing with the rest, there was some emptiness at the end of it. I cannot have evolved past the frienship that nothing was wrong with before I left, right? I feel lonely and alienated from people, with the exception of two friends. Moreover, things have become so mundane and tragic that my thoughts of waking up every morning is hardly beneficial in my job hunting. I have become weary and fed up, procrastinating to my heart's desire and watched every single thing on about the Queen.

Things have to change, I have to change my mindset. Tomorrow, after lunch, I shall go for a walk everyday and keep up with my fitness. As I am horribly astounded at the current circumference of my hips and thighs, I need to lose weight, get some fresh air, and gain some perspective.

Perceptions of Loneliness

2010-11-08T15:50:00.000-08:00

That title came from Paul. He was going through some tough heart breaking shit right now, and I think, finally, so am I.

The last time I cried was when I left Top Banana, and a few sniffles on the bus. I had been prepared so it did not come as a shock, and I admit, I was ready to go home. There was no loss of self control.

Six weeks into my new life, I thought I was managing OK. I thought the emails were enough. I thought it's time to find someone else. Not being exactly in the ideal situation, my heart loves ideally who it should not. Someone from the other side of the world, the mature one. The mature side of me has overruled everything: maybe it's better this way, you get to keep him in your life, you won't lose him. But that does not change the fact that he's not by my side either. Kept reading his emails and imagining that it was his voice talking to me, replaying our telephone conversation in my mind, keeping the memory of him alive in God knows what good it will do. Shit scared that one day I will forget how he looked at me, forget what his laughter sounds like, and how his eyes would twinkle with his smile when he says something to piss me off. Remembering things he said to me, how much he liked me, how expressive my eyes are, how he says "Mount Everest, Kim.. it's sooo gooooood!!". All that can evaporate one day, I might not remember anymore and I am really, really scared. Not of losing him, but losing my memories of him.

What am I to do?

Jesus and Buddha testing me

2010-10-29T09:35:00.000-07:00

What a week.

So I have just finished giving my mother a breakdown of what I have been spending and why banks are such cunts because things don't add up and mysteriously disappear on your bank account.

Job hunting until 4 a.m. figuring out how best to impress employers with semantics and some warranted bullshit. Although I am more at ease in applying for jobs now, I suppose that was the effect of Cambodia.

This week, I have three interviews. Bear in mind I just started applying two weeks ago. I knew employers would be suckers for people who go abroad and "experience" life (as they should be). One in a law firm in London with less than 24 hours' notice: central, High street style, next to Prada Gucci D&G and Chanel in the same building - HA! Either a good sign - I am at home, or a bad sign - I can never afford these expensive things because I am not going to get that job. I was nervous, but I think I did OK. I didn't overdo the bragging thing, just about right. If I get in there, I would want to train there as a solicitor. C'mon, high street firm in central London? That's Kim written all over it.

The morning of that interview, I got a rather inconsiderate and typical message from my most beloved sister who is such a cunt and a first class asshole. So I laid everything on her like a very crisp red carpet: she is a complete waste of space and a bad excuse for a mother. Her reactions ranged from defensive, insulting, and retaliatory, to self-deprecation, her sufferings and pretend self-worth, that all concluded into the typical attention deficit responses of "I deserve an apology". Well, I said "FUCK YOU" in capitals. Think I made my point. I have been dying to have an estranged family member, everyone seems to have it.

Another job interview that turned out to be a scam. On Monday, will go to Devon. Looking forward to staying in London until Tuesday, with Mac, Sarah, and Chloe.

As I listen to Chnam Oun Dap Pram Muy and my khmer songs whenever I am wound up or stressed, my life is dedicated to taking care of people but not my own. Frantically looking through bank statements, receipts, and adding everything up to prove that I can be trusted, I did not want to seem irresponsible, inconsiderate, and careless. That realisation hit me when the sun has just set, making me realise that I had been pouring over those accounts for over 3 hours now. What did it matter? I knew I did well, that everything spent was utmost needed, my mum trusts me, but why the need to prove it? I don't even know what I want to do now that it's done, nothing really appeals to me now so I might just look for more jobs. Feel alienated, emotionally unkept and not looked after, my friends are too busy or tolerating me to a point that I am becoming too needy. With the exception of Mac and Dina (and her mother's chicken curry), and Ate Jenny (and her cooking), I just have the feeling of being dumped.

Knowing that all this probably don't make sense, but to me, it's going to be one of those things that will drive me inwardly insane. I love my family, I love my friends, but where is the love for myself? I did indulge, I rang Jeremy the other night. He really did cheer me up, I woke him at 5 a.m. and we had a laugh about it. He seemed to think of it as a unique attribute of mine to make things harder for him. We talked about things here (not so on a cheery mode), Cambodia and what's going on, and making plans for his birthday. It was nice to hear his voice, I miss him so much. He's the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thought on my mind at night. He said it was nice to hear from me too, with a bitter sweet tone. Yeah, that's Cambodia and Jeremy for me, bitter sweet.

A week's progress

2010-10-16T17:29:00.000-07:00

Ok, so last week I was pretty bummed.

This week was no better. Got into trouble with the bank using my mother's cards, so why don't the paternalistic institution just fuck me for looking after a household and everybody. I have reached the conclusion that the society I live in (here at least anyway) has taken away people's autonomy to make choices and decisions of their own. Impatiently waiting for Trading Standards to start the project of me training traders in East Sussex about the Sale of Goods Act (potentially an avenue to a job in the Council, if not, it will be good experience for me). Job hunting my ass off, just had today off for a normal day. Bright side was that I saw a film about how Facebook was created, called "The Social Network". Pretty awesome stuff, and interesting lawsuits the college boy founder found himself in. Who says law is boring?

But a week's worth of progress cannot be underestimated. Jeremy replied to my ordinary email, albeit indifferent and rather brief than normal. I should not really complain, since what this means is that we resume contact ordinarily, but we cannot find meanings beyond that. Nevertheless, I am glad that the status quo had been restored, despite throwing up over "hope all is well" comments compared to mine's "I miss you". Haha. Typical.

Gabby, a gay man from Ireland who I met in Cambodia, came down from Dublin and spent a few days here in Brighton. Gabby and I spent many nights ethnic slurring each other over Angkor and Beer Lao. Just as half the things we said and done in Cambodia would have been illegal or will register as a hate crime if done in a Western country, we took all liberty to abuse each other without political correctness or any kind of sensitivity. Gay Tom also came down briefly, nursing a deadly hangover, and met Thomas Angus who used to run Top Banana with Sovy two years ago. I was then enlightened to TB history and the women behind Sovy, and how psycho Emilie was (or is). There was a lot of Choo talk, such as "mutak", "isshh you", "isshh me", "Frenchie", "Adada, "mom mom" etc. It was a great moment of reflection whilst drinking cider and JD on the finest Brighton pebbly beach.

Monday night we took Gabby to Brighton's gay night Monday 1.50 at Envy, upstairs from Charles St. For £1.50 per drink, we danced ourselves silly to different genres, from 80's to 90's and Katy Perry. We also found Beer Lao being served in a new Vietnamese restaurant in Brighton, for a popping £5 a bottle. Convert to dollars, then to riel, that's rather a depressing conversion in imagining how many million Beer Laos we could have for £5. The night ended with much needed grease from Burger King, which was rightfully chucked before going to bed. I did not feel good the next day.

I miss Cambodia. I have no comfort but to have my krama on these occasions of misery and sadness.

Home Sweet Home?

2010-10-10T14:38:00.000-07:00

So I arrived at Heathrow airport two weeks ago, being welcomed by the autumn bitty cold and no people at National Express to book my bus ticket from. Eventually had to get a cup of tea only to be ushered away because it's nearly closing time.

TYPICAL.

So I get home and ya-di-da-di-da... then I found myself resuming the old position of the responsible adult with enough common sense in this house, with my 5 year old laptop breaking down and a friggin' burst pipe in the loft ending up leaking and ruining our carpet.

TYPICAL.

So I see my friends and found that nothing much has changed, except that I am different and that I have changed. My stories sounded silly, out of this world. It may have made other people uncomfortable about what was seen as an exciting and reckless behaviour. I seemed a bohemian hippie to them who didn't want to face real life, maybe they had a point. I feel disconnected, misunderstood.

TYPICAL.

On top of that, I have no money. And Jeremy does not love me, does not return my messages. Ignores me. I am trying to be ok, that it is not such a big deal, that it should not be a big deal. Sometimes I want to believe that I was not imagining that there was something there, but times like these make me want to be cynical and think that he used me and there was proof of it. I thought "out of sight, out of mind" works, but I overestimated that capacity.

TYPICAL.

You will love him, but you just won't have a future with him

2010-08-09T06:26:00.000-07:00

Just as my time draws close, I reflect on my blessings and all the wonderful things that I have. My solitary Korean drama indulgence, street food with my khmer girls, roadtrips in the province, conversations with khmer people, laughing with food and booze with my barang friends, those nights George stayed over, those times I nearly got ran over by an SUV, drinking by the lake, having khmer bbq at Top Banana, lying on a boat, the rain, aaahh,... everything. As I have come to realise the transient nature of this fantasy that I have unnaturally prolonged, it feels like it was stolen from someone else's life. I momentarily forgot the sense of obligation, the duties, the expectations, the future, and held on to the present. It was nice. Although I cannot fully eliminate how I think about the future, it was nice not to have given a bigger damn about it had I been in England. The future is still a pretty scary thought.

But at least it is clearer for me. I was having a dilemma about whether to come back for Jeremy or not. I thought he was worth it. But he is not. Not worth the risk.

I found out that the way he handles conflict is running away like a little boy, internalises it, then when he's ready to deal with it, expects people to be at the other end to just accept it, curls up like a little boy when rightly insulted as a result of how atrociously he has acted, not given any consideration whatsoever to what that person went through and how they felt, does not want to acknowledge any accountability, and excuses himself for thinking of the consequences of his actions. He is immature with his emotions, he does not know how to deal with vulnerability, it's like talking to a five year old who stole sweets and explaining to him what he did was wrong and why.

At one point even retaliated and called me controlling, that he needs to check on me when he wants to do something. Obviously I highlighted the fact that I am not asking to be his mother, that I do not want to be treatd especially in his life, that I am nobody in his life to tell him what to do, that I refrained from being clingy and gave him his space even though I did not like it, but merely asking to be treated with common decency and consideration as I have done so for him. When I was having doubts, I talked to him because he was a part of it and he has to be involved in my decision making process. I am not asking him to do that, but merely to just give me an explanation that I deserve at the very least.

I pointed out the shittiness, the selfishness, the indecency, the cowardice, even the logical fallacy of his approach but that to him is natural so obviously could not see my point. He said he fucked up and was not proud of it, but by the sounds of "that's the way I am" gist that I got, I just have to accept it. I don't think he regretted what he had done, don't think he was truly sorry. For what it was worth, he said sorry and that he does care. We are ok now, I guess there's no point being miserable in my last weeks here because of this, since at least I got an apology (disputed as to whether that was truly meant) and an affirmation that he does care, despite the inability to consider my feelings when it clashes with his own. I dont know, just see how it goes.

He seemed to have given a shit, knowing what I will throw at him, knowing that he'd have to answer every single one of my questions, knowing that he could never justify his own actions, but still turned up and proved me that in this respect, he is not a coward. regardless, any relationship with him is not viable given my temperament, my principles, and my future. I cannot be in a relationship with him, because i am the extreme opposite and i cant accept this kind of behaviour because I think its disrespectful and insulting to what we have together, it will always be at the back of my mind when he'll leave next time. Its emotional high maintenance, because there is really nothing I can do to control it, because once he has made his mind up it automatically lends itself to never giving it a second chance.

It's really shitty, like when he tries, he tries so much, he gives me 100% and more, but when it's tough, he just gives up completely. It's a very destructive behaviour, and the part that I hate the most is that I have to accept the natural behaviour for him that I find most objectionable in a relationship.

I cannot go back for Jeremy. I love him, but I have no future with him. It has been proven.

Vehemently Against It

2010-08-02T23:56:00.000-07:00

Well.. I did try.

So I got home on Friday, I didn't really expect that he will turn up due to my foul mood (in my experience, all boyfriends wanted to stay away when that happens). But he did, earlier than usual, so I went to my room and had a shower. I was taking my time, hell if he makes me chase him, I could surely make him wait. While I was taking my time, he came into my room with his usual big grin. Asked how I am, said just checking up on me making sure that I did not fall in the shower or whatever, and kissed my shoulders. I think he needed to let me know that no matter how foul I can be, he realisd that I was just feeling insecure (he's a very perceptive guy, most of the time I didnt have to tell him what I am angry about or whatever) so gave me what i needed which was attention and affection. We went off to go and see mini banana, and everything was great, involved an incident of being nearly thrown over on top of the big hospital building and slapping him for it (and obviously the cycle continued).

We then ventured to lakeside where we had fish and chips, with conversations about our everyday stuff. He tells me things about the Post and the things that he does for work, it's really interesting. I tell him about how my internship started and the boring parts. We joined Michael and Paul at the Magic Sponge, where we drank, enjoyed the good tunes, and smoked Michael's most atrociously rolled spliff. It was A for effort, but seriously, it was like inhaling air. Good though. Then we moved on to Lost and Found... with the usual stuff. I particularly remember him putting 500 riel note down my front, and I was appalled. We are feeding into the stereotype that we already portray (that I am a prostitute and Jeremy's a barang sexpest). How ironic.

Got home, pretty high and tired. When we went to bed, he said to me "you seem disappointed". I said I have nothing to be disappointed about, he has done nothing wrong and not at fault. I asked if we should call it a day,he said maybe we should talk about it in the morning. I let it go, but then he said in the most concerned voice, "Kim, what's wrong?" I explained my part, how it's gonna kill me in the end. He didn't meet those with objections. But he said, in that voice that wants to please and appeal, "I like you" and came out with "I am vehemently against it". I am not even allowed to break up with him. I mean, he must be pretty serious, since who ever does use the word "vehement" in this century? Then with that voice again he said, "maybe you'll come back?" and I started getting upset, like I don't know that, I don't know anything. He told me to not think about it, and he made fierce love to me. The next morning was one of the most beautiful mornings with him. He was just giving me everything; pleasure, fun, happiness, sweetness, as in, everything I could ever possibly want. He said he loved waking up next to me.

I know that day he had some plans so I didn't want to badger. He txtd me and I told him to come to the guesthouse, but he never did. I don't understand what is going through his mind every time I send those vulnerable "I miss you, come see me" txts, coz he never replies to those. I know jeremy pretty well now, if he needs to do something he does it straight away. Whereas this scenario, I honestly think that every time i send txts like that, I think he debates on it for a while, then just don't really decide on it knowing that he'll be letting his guard down if he does come and see me under those circumstances. Coz its different from "wanna go grab pizza" or things like that, its a lot more emotional. If its "wanna grab pizza" or words to that effect of doing something with me, he'll reply within 5 minutes.

Ok, so after that vulnerable episode, I didn't really want to be pathetic so I just let it go. Surprise surprise, as I was walking from Chinese Noodle last night, I get a conspicuous txt asking "eaten yet?". We ended up going out for some posh italian place, where my bread thing fell through the breeze of the fan, my flip flops fell apart, I didn't know what bruschetta was, and made him piggy back me home for him to give up half a block from the restaurant. There were also talks of not killing each other in the restaurant, too. He laughed himself silly, more than usual, with his smile lingering on his face a second longer than I am accustomed to seeing. I told him, "See what happens when you initiate things?". He made love to me last night (normally he waits in the morning), and also this morning, god damn aren't I a very lucky lady?

Or am I?

10 Things I Like About Jez

2010-07-30T02:35:00.000-07:00

1. When he was trying to get away with an arrogant comment, he smiles widely with the tip of his tongue poking out.

2. The way he puts his arms around me from behind and rests his head on my shoulders, swaying me from side to side.

3. Playing with my hair when he's upset me or when he knows I'm upset.

4. His never-ending, loyal and reliable affections.

5. He can be rather square and it's cute.

6. Him threatening me that he's going to Candy Bar.

7. He steam rolled me in bed once.

8. His "wow" face.

9. He listens.

10. He lets me be myself. Uncut, unedited.

This really has to stop at some point

2010-07-30T01:55:00.000-07:00

I have become manic depressant again. This phase kinda comes and goes, but it hits me hard like I could not see myself getting out of it. It was Sunday when we got back from Kampot, I thought he has had enough of me. But I was surprised to see him unexpectedly as he cuddled up to me around half 11 at night. It was nice to see him unexpectedly. It was brilliant, lovely night.

The next night, felt spoiled of what I had, I decided to txt him telling him that I miss him and if he could go ambush me in my room again. No txt, unsurprising, no ambushing either, quite disappointedly. I tried not to make a big deal, but I just realised that I have a knack of showing my vulnerability far more than I am comfortable with. I could have just kept my mouth shut and not look like some clingy whiny psychobitch who can't sleep on her own. So that I let slide. Then Wednesday I asked if he wanted to get steak, waiting for hours for his reply. I was getting proper fed up of the chasing and waiting after him. This is what I wrote to Martha in a fury:

"I am really pissed off with Jeremy. I mean, it was bad enough that I was so stupidly vulnerable to go "I miss you" kinda shit three days ago, from which I have not yet heard anything from. Then I texted him if he wants to get dinner with me tonight like fucking hour ago and I just hate waiting, I hate hanging around when he's gonna decide to come here, I hate the fact that I need to chase him to make him feel better about himself. I mean granted he does do what I want to do and stuff, but I just feel really shit because he never pursues me anymore and I feel like such a cheap skank, you know? I suppose it exacerbates my ALREADY internal struggle about the whole situation anyway, about how I feel, then now he's really trying my patience. Part of this whole shit is that I am very angry with myself with being such a vulnerable whiny bitch, I am very angry at myself for not knowing how to control my emotions better, I am very angry at myself for letting myself be tossed around like I need them more than they need me, I am very angry at myself for being a lot more patient to him, I am very angry at myself for not knowing how to deal with the situation in the next few weeks and having no control over it, I am very angry at myself for feeling lonely, I am very angry at myself for being ridiculously insecure, I am very angry at myself for not being able to concentrate because this bullshit is on my mind, I am angry at myself for letting this bullshit affect my day, I am angry at myself for needing people all the time, and the most things that I am angry about is not about Jeremy but myself. Because had I guarded myself, had I been more careful with what I let out, had I been more controlling of him and the situation, had I been less vulnerable, I wouldn't have a problem with Jeremy because I just wouldn't give a fucking damn.

All this is inside me, no one can understand. Despite the fact that I will always have friends, I am personable and I can communicate effectively with different kinds of people, I find it hard to really communicate my own side. I wouldn't know where to start, even if I do tell, it's not even the whole of it. I am usually good at internalising it, but it can get too much sometimes (like NOW). It's like I always have an internal struggle with EVERYTHING, and I am getting tired. I need a break from myself, it's so hard being me. My mind does not sleep, it's always thinking of everything, considering all possibilities, apprehending the future, controlling the future, detailing the consequences of my actions, making decisions, the multifaceted nature of my emotions, the drive to be rational and logical overriding my emotional instincts, I am getting sick of this. Maybe I need therapy. It wouldn't fucking surprise me."

He did txt back eventually and we did go and have steak. It was a nice evening, but ruined for one fact. Jeremy has booked his trip to Myanmar in my last two weeks here, when I specifically told him not to go then. At first I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but as he was sleeping peacefully, I was uncontrollably upset. I didn't want to be in my room so I went to have a drink first (to calm me down), but then I started crying heavily. I distinctly remember wanting to go home, that's how upset I was. I am not angry with him, I felt disbelief but not anger. I am upset because I thought I had more time with him, but that ain't the case no more. I am frustrated because I feel like I am treading on eggshells, kept in the dark, not knowing my cards right. I am tired of chasing after him, waiting for him, asking for those "five more minutes" delaying the fucking inevitable. He saw that I was sat upright on the bed, and straight away he got up and asked what was wrong. I told him I just couldn't sleep and he held me and laid me down. The next morning, I did not ask for five more minutes.

When I was hit by the realisation that I only have a month with him left, I was devastated. He just made a joke about it. Before, I merely wanted to preserve the status quo - why rock the boat if that's only going to upset both of us and make us comfortable. On the other hand, I realised that I am gambling a lot more than what he is willing to risk. If we carry on until the end, it will hurt me more than it could ever possibly hurt him. He does not get hung up on making painful decisions, nothing makes him sad because he has this wonderful ability of moving on and getting on with it. On the other hand, of course I will suffer and when this is over, I am going to be a wreck. I don't want to be sad when I go home, I want to be happy when I see my family and my friends. It is a logical, perhaps the best thing to do in the circumstances. I do not mean to attack him or to say that he does not care; he does a lot and I can feel it, however, the major part of the reason is that I am starting to fall inlove with him so I have to control the damage as much and as soon as I can. I have to look after myself, as far as I am concerned, he will be ok. But I won't be.

I am subconsciously projecting. Today I asked him if he wanted to see mini banana. No reply, so I said "forget it". He txtd saying sorry and asking if I want to go to snowy's. He also asked if his phone repeatedly rang mine this morning as a drunken incident, and I said "fortunately not, but that will save me the embarrassment of thinking that you were finally ringing me for real instead of me chasing you as usual". My bad? He replied, "you're in a foul mood. what's up?". Well, yes, it is a little bit spiteful because I know that. But it is merely a statement of fact, unless he was making me wait and chase him around on purpose, he knew what it meant. Maybe the projection will lead to an argument and I hope we do have one, so I am just gonna let it all out, get it off my chest and scream. I'll finally know (if its worth knowing) where he stands too.

People urge me to "talk" to him. About what? He knows fully well that this will not be engaged any further, just merely for convenience, which suits his personality take on day-to-day commitments but not long term. I just know that it's a shut case - there is nothing that I don't know and he doesn't need to tell me that.

Despite that, and stupidly, I do love him but not in that airhead romantic way. Our little Phnom Penh romantic spell was mature, fun, exciting, interesting, challenging, stimulating, and happy. I don't want to tell him that though. I don't want to ask the nagging questions of "what do I mean to you", fully well knowing that there is no point since I am leaving. I dread whatever silence comes out after that question, that it dares to remain unanswered, or some form of "love is a strong word to use". I used to think that I'd rather live in humiliation than regret, but realised that my pride has strengthened more this year and now I'd rather live in regret than humiliation. At least regret comes and goes, most of the time there was nothing you can do to start with, you should not be penalised that time that you cannot make a good value judgment and decision, compared to remembering when your self-esteem was crushed by a hammer by the one you love. I don't think I can take that.

I will never tell him that I am inlove with him.

Kampot Pepper Fever

2010-07-25T00:43:00.000-07:00

So Jeremy and I packed our bags and finally did that long-awaited trip to Kampot - home to the world's (in my opinion) one of the finest peppers! An old French colonial riverside town, very cute, quiet, with a niche set of amenities, surrounded by beautiful Cambodian countryside and mountains.

We hitched a lift with Jeremy's mate from the Post, Brit guy called Dan who owns a guesthouse in Kampot called The Magic Sponge. It is a very futuristic looking khmer two story house, with a big parking space and minigolf. It also has a nice bar reminiscent of The Nevill, with loads of British travelers and expats hanging around. We spent the remainder of Friday just chilling at the bar and drinking, walked for a little bit down the very dead riverside, and sleepy Jeremy slept well early. The next day, we planned to go to Bokor but already missed the tour, so we hired a tuk tuk to take us to the bottom of Bokor mountain (lovely view, green, but cloudy and smoky, kinda like the apocalypse is coming), went to a zoo, a saltfield that stretches for miiiiles, and a temple on a cave (mountain temples are my favourites). It was raining a lot, went through some proper bumpy rides, went past countryside villages, caught a glimpse of the locals giving me that look that says "You're khmer and you're being a slut with that barang" (to my amusement). Also, before that we went for a little walk to the market, where we had some lethal fun on a merry go round playground that involved jeremy nearly killing me on this spinning thing - obviously I was so mad. Also, he had the indecency to fucking piss in the mountain cave temple. I was not impressed.

Jeremy has been sweet and affectionate, just as I hoped, although he went to sleep pretty early and wasted "high" time. It was a great weekend, he was feeling lethargic so I dragged him to go sightseeing with me. We had so much fun at the zoo, where we fed sugarcane to the elephants, and we saw two monkeys have sex, as well as marvelling over monkey's galore. On the way to the cave, he got annoyed with the local kids following us around (and hiding) so he tried to scare them with a stone (how childish) and then he pissed on the cave (how respectful). I was rather appalled. Nevertheless, he resumed to being a 23 year old mature man again and went back. Had some ganja, then got called into a seafood buffet bbq being hosted by Dan (so we had to sober up!). I also beat him at connect four (my decison making gets better when high, I have noticed).

He called me cute, I got angry and said I am not a teddy bear. Also, teddy bears don't wear sexy cheerleading outfits so unfortunately, there was no show for Jeremy (I also left the pink undies..). I have been constantly referred to as "one of a kind". Many times I have thought of why I have to leave something so good, but I have to teach myself not to get stuck in the past or present. I would love to stay in Cambodia forever, but with no means and no substantial career driven reason to stay, I should really go and discover something else. I know that if I stay, things will develop even further. Regardless, at some point I still have to leave, and that might make it worse. Wrong time, wrong place perhaps? Regardless of how I feel, despite how lovely Jeremy is, I do not think he loves me or will love me to the greatest extent that I would do for him. He cannot commit in the circumstances. He is a logical guy who knows what to do and how to act, probably never had a crisis in his life and seems like he is never torn about making painful decisions. Even if it's going to hurt, I at least don't want to be hurt on my own.

There are some days which I am resigned to think that we have no future, but my nature fights that self-fulfilling prophecy. In many cases I do not want to accept defeat, knowing that I can do something about it, that we can be together for more time until the time comes that I really do have to go. But that does not change the transient nature of this relationship - that it will always have an expiration date, that I just keep pushing my luck in order to not give up. And I could well be wrong, like how it turned out with Adrian, just when I was so sure about myself. I have lost confidence in my decision-making abilities recently, especially about matters of the heart. Sometimes I ask myself where and when am I ever going to find someone like Jeremy. But the difference is that I know how much I am risking and for what its worth, Jeremy might not want to risk anything at all.

I want to go home, meet someone for real, who will treat me right, who will never leave my side, or will fight for me no matter what.

Not Again

2010-07-20T22:21:00.000-07:00

I have found myself in another emotionally restraining experience... yet again.

Jeremy was away for a few days in Battambang. I was fine, but at the back of my head I was slightly worried about this "open licence" thing he has against me, not that he would use it. He got back, we were playing with the usual torturous Candy Bar debacle. Then it got pretty serious. He took the line of "when have I ever..." and there was me regretting what I had started, obviously knowing fully well how it will go. He said things that I did not like hearing, such as "I have not been treated reasonably enough to make such a promise", "What do you expect, you've only got two months here..", "Hypocritical", "I feel like I am always being questioned", "It's frustrating", and many more. I was really hurt, yet again I said sorry, that I don't expect anything, that I am merely pleading and not making him to promise anything, and that knowing fully well that I am double standard I only do so because if he does sleep with anybody else I don't think I can take it (because I like him more). I told him that I do trust him, and it's not a personal attack on him, I am only scared that I'll get what I deserve.

He told me that the night we got back from Siem Reap, the night after his birthday, I told him that I was only going to change in my pyjamas and I'll be back in his room. He waited an hour and a half for me, then went upstairs to see what happened. He saw me with Adrian. He said that in a very different voice, I don't know what it was, but almost hurt. I told him I am sorry, it really gutted me up.I feel so guilty and I hate myself so much. For those two months of fun, I really did pay for it. I told him the reason why it was Adrian and not him was the fact that he had such boyfriend like qualities, I was so commitment phobic at the time, otherwise he would have been a rebound guy or I would have fallen in love with him straight away. I mean, he's so perfect and probably the most decent guy I know so far. He told me that he wished he had met me somewhere else, I wished that too. He said "I think you should stay in Cambodia".

I owe him big time. Regardless of how I treated him before, he is still here, making and spending time with me. Tells me nice things about me, wanting to spend time with me, accepting me the way I am. Wanting me to stay. He's a very genuine guy, I don't think he is capable of hurting me. Wishing we had met somewhere, where we can have a viable relationship.

On the other hand, I could be wrong, just as I was wrong about Adrian and the rest. Giving it a chance when I am not sure how it will go, inconveniencing myself financially and emotionally, perhaps regretting it. I don't want a man to alter my plans again... but I don't want to give up what Jeremy and I have. I don't want to give him up. This begs the question that I have to go back to England to do my training contract and need to qualify as a lawyer. By that point, it would be harder to break away, things will be more complicated. How much complication can I put up with, for a few moments of happiness?

I don't know what to do, shall I follow my heart or my mind?

What Goes Around, Comes Around?

2010-07-10T03:58:00.000-07:00

Yes, ladies and gents. That's what we call...... KARMA.

Back in the West, we think it is just some sort of spiritual bullshit that is a good way of getting back at those idiots we hate, without trying to do something bad or retaliate. Little did I know that it is true - you just gotta be right in the setting.

Cambodia is a Buddhist country, and Khmers believe in karma. That is why they don't believe in the Khmer Rouge Tribunal, because those fuckers are gonna pay for their war crimes in the next life anyway. Living here I found that karma has a way of biting you in the ass. PROPERLY. It can be from a simple white lie or excuse that I will suffer the repercussions of rather immediately, or to previous indiscretions that I probably should not have and now I am paying the consequences for. Well, that one is a lot more debatable and a massive grey area.

Things with Jeremy are good. He's great company, fun, intelligent, stimulating, sexy, affectionate, you know - everything. But sometimes I feel like I am being used, or that I am too easy. He does not say things to that effect, I merely feel like that. He just comes into the Banana, expecting me to open my legs for him. If I don't prompt him, I doubt if I'd still be seeing him. There is no effort on his part anymore, he used to want to do things with me all the time. Now I am just his glorified weekend fuck buddy. He does like me, respects me and my opinions, showers me with attention and affection - when we're together. But when we're not, there is nothing, absolutely nothing. Is there anything wrong with this?

I do acknowledge the difficulty of relationships here. What we have now, whatever it is, is the best thing in the circumstances. Life is short, and the important thing is to have fun and enjoy what we have. We both know that we cannot afford the luxury of anything more. I also recognise that what we have is not viable anywhere else, with my experiences I could surmise that much now. Everything is clear cut, figured out, functional, rational - all the good stuff. No burdens, no complications, no fuck ups, no unnecessary shit. Then why am I feeling crap? Only it's because I am such a masochist. Should really stop this, should just enjoy, be happy, as it won't last forever. I am right, Jeremy does not have a heavy price tag on his head.

On some cosmic karmic force, somewhat along the lines I think I am being punished. After all, Jez used to be ridiculously attentive. And I did fuck him over with Adrian. It was not fair, although I have justified my stance and apologized, I do not know how he felt about it. He said that it did not bother him. However, the distance is probably how he thinks I react best, what would keep me interested. Since before, I suppose he was too available and look what I did to him. So now I'm the one who is too available, and look what is happening to me, I am the one craving for him. Karma or psychology?

I do not doubt his loyalty, and now he does not seem to doubt mine. I am just annoyed that I am not getting my way, as my typical stubborn spoiled personality suggests. In a way, I am looking forward to going home. I am fed up of fighting the natural flow of attraction and what comes after, I do not want to accept that it cannot be anything more than what it is designed to be. But typically, I go home and there will be other problems more complicated than this, and ironically I would probably prefer what I have right now.

Now I realise that my boyfriends were right, I can never be happy.

Entering a New Phase

2010-06-04T10:17:00.000-07:00

The other day, Jeremy and I had our first fight. The past week two days I have been sick from school, and two days I bunked off to get 100% better and as it is with my system, I bunk off every now and again. One morning I was trying to get him to bunk off work (I mean, the guy needs some spontaneity in his life) but said "I actually take my job seriously" with the hint of unlike some. It became inflated of course with a few beers that night. I badly wanted to retaliate by saying at least I finished my degree, but I did not want to sink that low so I got mad instead and I went into my room. He knocked on my door, and I shooed him away saying that I don't need his up his ass attitude. I got a text straight away saying "I'm sorry. I have nothing but regrets". I was surprised but still mad, so mad I could not sleep until 3 a.m. dwelling about the indignation of it.

The next day, he came to the Banana earlier than usual, sat down next to me and I left to go into my room because I was getting mad again. He ambushed me in my room, where I told him to get out, but I texted him "Come back, I want to tell you exactly what I am mad about. If you care". Within five minutes he did. I had my back turned and he lay next to me, just touching my hair lightly. He said sorry again, that he takes things too far when he gets drunk, he regrets it so much and fucked up big time. Again, something startled me immensely. There was no struggle, no retaliation, no childish arguments about who said what and why and so on. There was an upfront apology about and also knowing fully well what was below the belt; there was acceptance of the consequences of his actions, he was approaching me like a little boy who was scared of making his mummy upset, the cocky voice was gone. It was very bizaare. I was pre-empting some form of triviality around it, but it just did not happen. Nevertheless, in a very calm voice, I started my point. I told him how much I envy him for having that break without needing to finish his degree, how he is doing something he loves and is well paid for it. Whereas I am incapable of finding a job that I want, I am teaching in Southeast Asia where I should be in the thick of things, and his condescending remarks were thrown in such a callous manner. He tried to give something to me, by asking about ECCC and SRP, but I said that I am not looking for an ego boost but not to put me down like that. He said he forgot that I am such a strong woman, I am smart and I'll go far. All that time, he was carefully being affectionate, even knowing that I was not reciprocating, then it was fine. We talked about other things, I suppose I cannot spark up a diatribe when the other party has surrendered and accepted defeat. The apology was there so it was graciously accepted. Possibly the most mature fight I have ever had.

We went out for pizza, had a great time, and for the first time invited me to his place. I never thought that would be possible; the guy likes his independence a lot which is scary for me who is dependant on his attention. He reminds me of myself at times, the independence part of it at least. I am just trying to get used to the separate togetherness thing as I know that was probably all that is to it, like it's probably not gonna go far beyond what we do and have right now (which works as it is, if it ain't broke why fix it?). So there was my surprise where I am allowed to ambush his haven of oasis, and he willingly showed me around and entertained my comments. We had a great night, and an even better morning.

We are entering a new phase.

We had Champagne at the Heart of Darkness

2010-05-30T04:53:00.000-07:00

Oh dear... as the title suggests, yes, we did have champagne at the Heart of Darkness. Aren't we just class?

Bennett gone, Kelly gone, Gabby gone, now Nancy gone. I know Mika will be next, and so will everybody in this god forbid guesthouse except me. Even George, the cat, will probably be gone at some point. It's easy to get attached, it's hard to detach.

With my current attachment and detachment issues, I have been pondering about the many Top Banana cults that I have experienced. Starting from my own crazy span back in October, I have seen many people come and go, with pleasantries. It's crazy to put yourself in this situation constantly, it's emotionally draining as well as feeling like a blank slate, like nothing. Weird emotions, only something you experience whilst vagabonding I suppose. Don't know if I can get through the whole "Hi, what's your name? What you doing in Cambodia.. oh I do this.. blah blah blah" crap again, especially knowing if people are not going to stay. I know it's merely a phase; but a hard one in fact. It's hard to be the one left behind. It's hard to be the one left with the ghosts of yesterday's Top Banana guests, and they're around all the time. I welcome the memories, but sometimes I question how I deal with them. I just realised that I do not have any other cliques apart from Top Banana, I don't like people at work (they don't like my underwear so screw them) and obviously CCHR is out of the question. Job stuff not materialising either; UC has not been in contact and a funding application for PJJ was rejected. Absolutely fabulous. I am trying to make the most of this, I know I am. I take my teaching job seriously. However, it is not my element and my existence here would not be so depressing if I am given the job I want. Please pray, that I get the internship at the UNAKRT. My existence here in Cambodia is for a reason; and that is, to find that break I need after graduation, the one that will not happen anywhere else but Cambodia. I need to get into the ECCC, God knows how, but I hope it does happen. Otherwise my time here would have been a waste. Ok, should not be too harsh, I did volunteer for three months in total, but still. I need a good reason to be here. And I need to make it worthwhile here so I can go back to England with the necessary validation that is hopefully much desired and deserved.

Regardless of my shitty hormonal moods, we had a fantastic night at Memphis (courtesy of may have been seven happy shots?? also crazy Fin, Brit and Oz) followed by Heart where Jonathan bought Champagne for us (yes, Champagne at the Heart of Darkness), I had a great kebab with chips then followed by White Cobra (where I fell asleep at the bar and realised it was time to go home) and was put in a tuktuk by the gracious brit Jonathan. I came home to find Jeremy fast asleep in my bed, and woke up to find him gone (to be fair, I woke up at 12). I know I will see him around.

As of the Jeremy front, it was for a week that I did not see him. Final straw for me was when he stood me up on Tuesday night, thank fuck I had some ganja so I did not overreact badly and was cool about it (although went to Master Grill and had a proper bitch to Darin about it). I know I just have to keep my cool, but not act too keen. I have stopped texting him which is good though. I saw him Wednesday night at Top Banana, from which he acquired the nickname "lover boy" from Anne Marie. He was talking to his friend from Singapore, Anthony, very nice chap. Although I was making it obvious that I am not very happy with him, I decided that he can stay when he was actually getting this Eurotrash bag off me. That was rather sweet, and quite unprecedented (and as I first witnessed, territorial) so I thought that earned something. We were in bed, and I gave him shit for having stood me up, told him he was the first shitty guy to have ever done. He did apologise, he was sorry and that he was sick. Now I know that. Evidence number 1: no beer for dinner. Number 2: more tired than normal. Number 3: not as much stamina in bed. Ok, fair enough, I believe he was genuinely sick.

Next night, I was a bit put off the fact that him and Anthony just left without saying good bye. Off they went for a boys night out or something like that. Around half 12 though, there he was on my doorstep having possession of my keys and I was bit insulted he didn't come to bed. Whatever. Next night, Friday night, obviously I will be spending the night as Nancy's leaving do. That night, I went out into the lounge and there he was, saw me briefly and talked to a girl. Of course I was jealous so I went back into my room. That, coupled with bad news from PJJ, I was just not happy. He strangely came into my room, said sorry about the night before and that he was talking to his boss. I told him of the bad news and that I am not having a good time in particular, missing Bennett and everyone else. He was comforting, he said "thanks for being a good sport, I appreciate it" and I didn't know what he quite meant. He said stuff about Jeremy's craziness (or I am guessing all the things I have put up with). He gave me a nice kiss, and at least I got something back from all this. He does know that he has let me down, and at least shows some appreciation about it. We went to North Korean restaurant wtih Anthony, had a great time. Came back to Top Banana, where I went out Kim fashion and came home drunk to a cute guy.

Is this women being empowered or what?

He's the perfect guy to marry, but you just won't love him

2010-05-22T07:36:00.000-07:00

I said the above statement back in November when I went with Jeremy to Angkor Wat...
Let's evaluate the truth of the statement, shall we?

Jez and I had "The Talk" about what happened with Adrian. It started with me being a hypocrite joking "no girls" to him, and he unfortunately had to bring it up. I told him honestly how I felt; that I just came out of a long and exhausting relationship and I did not particularly want to commit. I also wanted to have fun, have my cake and eat it, and lick the fucking plate while I am at it. I wanted to get away with it, I thought I was only going to be in Cambodia for two months. He said he was not bothered, but just wanted to point out the hypocrisy which I openly acknowledged and accepted as my fault (although saying "not that I have another girl on the go"), for the record that I am sorry and I do feel guilty. He was surprised to find my honesty; he must have been expecting some excuse or some defensive mechanism but I had none and I was not entitled to it. He was worried that I was only with him because Adrian had gone and he was the one left. I found that objectionable; I told him how awfully and extremely fond of him I am, otherwise why would I keep in contact and why would I ask him to fly from Singapore to Phnom Penh to see me before I go? If I was just after one thing, I can have that with anybody, but I keep going back to him. I told him in a very relaxed way that he does what he wants, obviously. But that I would prefer if he does not see anyone else, which was just STUPID. And not only that, I also said that I don't particularly want to multitask anymore. Did I say too much? Perhaps, perhaps not.

Things have been going well with Jez and I. In the first two weeks, we saw each other fairly often, even just in passing. He went to Siem Reap for a few days and it was nice when he came back. We are still shy about inviting each other over, though. It always needed an excuse, I don't know why, but it seemed prudent to at least make things appropriate. He got his own apartment last week. He stayed at mine twice this week, which was surprising as I was taunting him that he won't be around the Banana much. He reckoned I was being awfully pessimistic. He also told me that he liked me, twice now (with the help of Bennett). We have been having a great time, eating out, staying in, talking and shagging. Things are also more openly affectionate too, even on my part. It certainly feels different from before, it's more relaxed and open. There is no awkwardness. Or at least only in the communication part anyway.

The Jeremy I knew would be badgering me to do stuff with him before; go out to dinner or wonder what I am doing... He was awfully keen on me and I was enjoying it. Knowing that he likes his own space and likes to do his own thing, and even more so now that he has his own apartment, it is at the back of my head not to badger him too much. In terms of our communication this time round, I am more keen (naturally). I suppose I owe it to him and I need to give him more attention now. But it sucks, I hate waiting around for him to text (which was not the case before) and reminded me of Morgan. I am the one asking what he's doing for dinner and getting rejected, and I suppose I just have to grin and bear it as he did with me. Karma sometimes bites you in the ass, and I know that all this distress is well deserved. Today, unprecedentedly, he texted me to ask how Children's Day went and I asked him if he is going to the Banana later, which he replied no. Part of me is just leaving it and just do my own thing, but part of me still likes to badger so I did, and the language he uses does irritate me... "another day". I know I have to give him his own space, but I just feel incredibly detached not just from him but from everything.

Currently I feel like I'm existing just on the surface, and nothing penetrating within. Whatever this is with Jeremy is going very slow and rational. But perhaps, "too" rational for my liking? I know I have nothing to worry about, I have secured his affections already. However, something is missing. It's probably the fact that I am not needed, that I miss the fucking deadly, consuming, exhausting, emotionally draining and masochistic style of romance which I should really stay away from. But, the common denominator of all that is passion and dependence. I cannot say that Jeremy and I have no passion; we certainly have chemistry but it's the fact that I want to feel like I am being useful and that he'll allow me to care. As much as I know that my dominant personality does not like being suffocated and wrapped in cotton wool, I am still a woman who sometimes crave to be emotionally looked after. And that is something that he cannot do. I do not think so.

I like him an awful lot. What really bothers me about this whole thing is that I am actually bothered that he is not responsive to me. I know that I am in no position to demand, but I have a feeling that he will never be as attached to me as I am willing to be attached to him. He'll never allow me to care for him. I want to care, I crave to care and to be cared for, even just a little. Maybe Jeremy's rationality makes my instinctive hypothesis right; that he is a great guy to be with, but he just won't let you love him, or that his demeanor prevents you from loving him.

Or am I just overanalysing?

How Much Beach Could I Ever Possibly Have This Week??!??

2010-04-15T03:10:00.000-07:00

As the title suggests, I have been rather indulgent lately. Anyways, many things have happened before beach time. The scumbag guard left, so I went back to the office for a few days. I also badgered the Dean of the Law Faculty of the University of Cambodia to see me, to tell me about their recruitment process and that there might be a reasonable chance of getting an interview in May. I had decided then that if they call me in for an interview then, I will come back to Cambodia from Manila. It was just a shame that timing was just incredibly off. Or that's what I thought anyway.

My tooth started hurting big time. Again, timing was shitty as I thought I am two weeks away from flying to Manila anyway. I went to the dentist, got a big injection to relieve the pain and I am on a cocktail of drugs consisting of antibiotics, painkillers and some form of opiates. I was so scared that I might have to go back to Philippines earlier than my flight, but thank God that the drugs seem to work for now. Even with the agonising pain, I went to Otres Beach in SHV with Bennett, Nancy [fucking amazing Irish CCHR intern, love her to bits], Todd [New Yorker guy, hot accent, very genuine dude], Laura[Brit Keira Knightley style girl, down to earth, pretty and perfect]and Shay [Israeli guy, always on the defensive, funny with bargaining]. I had planned for a big, massive showdown at SHV with acid or MDMA (as I have never tried it before) but I did not want to risk it so I stuck to ganja. So we got there, Otres is just paradise and it was weird knowing that shitty Occhuteal is literally next door to it. No means no in Otres when it comes to street vendors, no pushy kids or somewhat. No sexpats. No pretentiousness. Just paradise. The place we stayed at, Danny's, was so laid back; we rented out one room and the rest of us slept on beds down at the bar. It was the best sleep of my life. Although it was hilarious to see roosters and native chickens just hopping around tables and shit. It was a nice sight; provincial, yet accomodating and nothing but superb. From their mango shakes to endless amounts of squid and banana&choc pancakes (Nancy , Laura and I were OBSESSED), it was a food and greediness fuelled weekend. Could not think of a better way to spend it.

I was so happy, but at the same time I was quite sad. I was saying goodbye to this paradise. What the hell? What was I going back to? Why am I detaching myself away from this kind of happiness coming from this unique place of the earth? I have no idea. I just knew, I had to fucking go back and carry on with God forbid what kind of plan he has for me.

So off we went back to Phnom Penh on Monday, Bennett was bitten by a psychotic dog so figured it'd be best to see a doctor about rabies. Eventually arrived at Phnom Penh, laughed so harshly at a bemused but confused tuktuk driver about charging us 10 bucks from Sorya to Top Banana. Nice one, mate. Got to TB and was introduced to Todd's sister and cousin. I got an invite from Jess to go to this German Sausage BBQ party so a few peepz from TB came; Jess, Gabby, Todd and his crew, me, and this new guy called Andre. We all had a really fantastic time, so much laughs, ethnic slurring and racist jokes. There was something about the energy that night.

Andre is this American guy, New Yorker, does the accent really really well and oh god isn't he just hot. He is from the former Yugoslavia, so he looks like Dr Luka Kovac. It's just heavenly. Just a little bit arrogant, has got that New York attitude that he keeps playing on, but it was good banter. I did my tailor made boom boom knock, and we had mediocre sex. He's not into the whole cuddling thing afterwards which was a little bit off. We have not had sex again, even though I stayed at the Banana for another two nights. We get on well, regardless anyway. Yesterday he scored with this blonde Dutch girl (which depressed me a little bit) and him and her had to do the walk of shame this morning in front of everyone at the bar and Kelly was like... "awkward.." hehehehe, it was all just really funny for me. As far as sexual chemistry, compatibility and cuddling, Jeremy is still winning the race. And Brett has gone for some reason, dunno where he is, but don't really care.

The next day started with an enlightenment session with Wisdom Lover Kevin, and that same day, I got a job at Anne-Marie's school teaching Kindergarten. I went to the school, briefed about the job, and was told that I am receiving $750 a month salary.

FUCKING WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, how did this even happen? I was sitting in the lounge, talking about life and death, then BOOM! The job is mine. The school is desperate. I am in, I am actually staying. I am staying for a few good months. All is well. The timing is so right. I am SO converting to buddhism. Thank you Buddha, wow... this is just amazing.

Speaking of Jeremy, is this dangerous? You know what this means? The fact that I am staying and knowing that something might develop further with Jeremy? I am scared of this shit. Guard up, Kim!!

With my khmer family, it is becoming so overwhelming, their kindness is just over the moon that I could burst into tears any moment. I gave maoy my gold earrings, since I have nothing of value to offer but I want them to know how much they are worth to me. She hesitated, then accepted. I told her that I found a job, she was absolutely delighted! She said to me that I should stay for longer, that I am part of her family (with her very little English). Wow, this is just incredible. Dad came home, congratulated me with the job, and actually said that he will get some keys cut for me... OH MY GOD.

I was thinking of getting an apartment. Maybe Gabby's. And let Jeremy crash there. Obviously for boom boom reasons and more. Fuck. This is fantastic. This is great.

Cambodia is my heaven, and this weekend I am going to Kep. How much beach can I possibly take in a week, eh??!??

When Jez came to visit and had Ox testes

2010-03-29T23:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, you can surmise as much that I did get laid (finally) over the weekend.

Friday night was bad girl night, so I started drinking and smoking at 3 p.m. There was a storm so plans of going to Snowy's was unfortunately dropped. Nonetheless, there was plenty of drinking and loads of Frenchies involved at the bar. Talked to Brett a few times, can't really remember much now as it's all a blur. Around 7 I eventually passed out in the couch as I am a horrible lightweight, chucked up in the bathroom so a shower was in order. Brett ended up going out with Fran, confirmed my paranoia, but was glad that he sat next to me (I woke up around 12 lol) and talked a bit with Northern Ollie (who wanted to shag me in a rhetorical fashion of asking). Brett eventually went to bed and I thought, it's now or never. So after shooing people off the lounge (so the booty call does not look so awkward), I used the worst pick up line ever, but it was almost a tailored knock knock joke. He said he was so scared of going inside his room because of last night's paranoid antics on happy pizza, so I said "if you're still scared I can keep you company" aaahh, makes me cringe big time...

So, he put his arms around me and went into his room, it was pretty hot steamy shenanigans but for his idiocracy of not having a condom, it would have been a proper hot steamy sex session. He was really hot, good kisser, ok size penis, and oh boy he is a little bit rough. There was a bit of blaming each other for not having a condom, how much we wanted to fuck and his utter disbelief in himself, and too bad he couldn't come for ages because of tiredness/drunkenness so just ended up falling asleep. He did say that my horniness was too obvious lol (c'mon it has been 6 weeks!). Sure enough, it was nearly six oclock and prepared myself for Jeremy's arrival. I told him about Jeremy, and how we're gonna have to postpone. He was a bit nervous of meeting him. Sure enough, when I introduced him to Jeremy, he just had the shiftiest and most awkward hello face in the world.

Anyway, Jeremy came and I was so happy, we sat down in the lounge talking for ages just like the old times. Saw Bennett as well, he sat down with us and talked, Bennett was really happy to see Jeremy and those two are just amazing together. Talked about what was going on with each other's lives, the new hotspot in town which is Sovy's bar, and saying hi to people and stuff. Had lunch at Lucky Burger with Bennett too. Eventually we went for a "nap" which ended up like our talking and shagging sessions. It was so great to talk to him again, he is a very engaging bloke, no complaints, this time he is more relaxed and a lot more cool??!? We eventually had to get up and leave our love-making infested room to join the others for some beer. Surprisingly, Brett got on with Jeremy like house on fire. He loves Canadians, he said.

The next day, I woke up to find Kelly sniggering at my neck because of a hickie. God damn you Jeremy. He went off for a while to do shopping and met up with some people from the Post, he got back around 4 p.m. looking exhausted as hell so I told him to have a nap while me and the others go to Snowy's. Snowy's is such a cool unpretentious Western bar, chilled out, it is situated on the riverside past the Japanese bridge and not in a backpacker district at all. We drank our rightful alcoholic drinks while watching the beautiful Cambodian sunset, talked to Brett for a bit and he asked how my Canadian boy is treating me. Really well, I said. No mention of the night before. I was almost embarrassed.

Went back to the Banana and picked up Jeremy as we have plans to go to the newly-reopened North Korean restaurant here. There was Bennett, me, Jez, Brett, Fran, and Jess who were curious about this thing. So off we went, got into the restaurant and it was such a surreal experience. It was far too bright, with North Korean women dressed in Salmon pink balloon dresses with almost rather fake smiles (I reckon they're tired), very very quiet but unnerving North Korean customers and obviously us being the only barangs in that place. North Korean aphrodesiacs (is that how you spell it?) are also being sold as part of the appeal of this novelty. Sat down, ate a wide range of food from kimchi to Ox testes which tasted really fatty but very good. We gorged ourselves silly with the delights and enjoyed the performance of North Korean waitresses where they sang, danced with fans and served us tea. Disappointingly, the backdrop of North Korean karaoke was just blooming waterfalls, when I was expecting to see what North Korea actually looks like which is always the norm of the backdrop of karaoke. Also, Bennett pointed out the "logical fallacy of tipping in a North Korean restaurant". He had a fair point! So I asked and got a flat-out no response. Oh well, we can't win them all I suppose.

What was most interesting than the food was the novelty of having Jeremy as the center of attention. Everybody was just so inlove with him, Brett being his number one fan. Jeremy was so talkative (as he is anyway) but more confident this way, almost makes me proud to be shagging him. There were talks of Jeremy starting a religion based on Ox testes, I was a bit fuzzy on the details but Fran and Jess were like soo into him it's unbelievable. So there was this Jeremy Mullins fan club going on, I was a little bit jealous but I know that I get to enjoy the whole of Jeremy and all to myself anyway. We went back to the Banana and had a few beers, I had my usually typically lethal vodka and coke, but this time I was so nicely done. I was even a little bit affectionate with Jeremy, would you believe? I was telling everybody about The Hurt Locker picture. How when I first saw that picture, I thought damn, he looked so hot. He looked tired, pissed off, torn in the turmoil of the war, it's goddamn hot, he hasn't got laid, he hasn't slept.. man, loved the aggression. For Jeremy to tell me that all that was just trying to eat peanut brittle and having his bad-ass I'm still alive cigar, I just said, "you just killed it". The night ended with him and Brett and Dillon going for some pork and rice, I was indulging on more Mekong Whisky and coke with Kelly and Bennett and Gabby, and went to bed with him to have more sex and conversations as usual.

Jeremy and I talked about us, like what we are like together. We talked about being Phnom Penh burnouts like Adrian, how I admire him for being so disciplined and principled. He talked about how he hates Singapore and misses it here. We talked about how funny we both are, although we clash, we know when to say "fair enough". Brought up elephant story many times, and peanut brittle story behind that sexy gorgeous picture of him in Afghanistan (he just killed it!). We talked about our respective futures, how he is going to the army, how I want to live in Sihanoukville and just party like crazy for two months lol, what he actually thought of Chloe, how he thinks I am cute and very sexy (aaah thanks!), how either you love or hate me, how weird my affections come across as violent, how modest he is about his achievements, and how I am very happy (but punching him) that he got a really secure and well-paid job at the Post. We are very compatible and no fighting. Am I letting go of the real thing? Or is he the real thing?

It's funny how Bennett liked seeing Jeremy and I together; he said it was funny seeing us argue. Kelly also said that he is a fucking catch; goodlooking, head screwed on, gets along with everybody, tries so hard with me, intellectually stimulating, ridiculously engaging especially with me (when let's face it, people get knackered with me) overall, a well-rounded decent guy. She said that when I was telling everyone about peanut brittle joke, it looked like we're an old married couple in a sweet way. He was telling me to come to Singapore, unfortunately I can't, but he said I am welcome to stay in his apartment when I come back for vacation or whatever. Makes me more sad to leave Cambodia, knowing that he is coming back in May to stay for a few years and something might materialise, that it is possible, and that he stimulates me intellectually. But, as lesson number one states, you cannot let your emotions dictate your plans in life. Man, this sucks. Maybe in the future. I have a feeling that Jeremy is not going anywhere and we'll always pick up where we left off.

On a lighter note, we had sex eight times over the weekend, ranging from loving to hot steamy sex. God damn. Was really sad to see him go, was a bit preoccupied yesterday and Brett is starting to show his condascending side that Kelly and I picked up on. I know there were plans of a sequel, but I didn't care, I went to bed early. What I get from Brett is that people has to make an effort to be friends with him, not the other way around, especially that he's just moved into the guesthouse and should really make the effort first. Additionally, he comes across as arrogant one step forward than your usual arrogant actions that he cannot even spot humour or kills it. I didn't make a move. If he wants me, he knows where to find me and when I want it.

Shame, he was pretty.

It's Raining Men in Phnom Penh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-03-25T22:06:00.000-07:00

Hmm... well...

My Keanu-Reeves type arrived at the Banana I think on Monday, where he unfortunately overheard the harrassment incident at work. But nevertheless, he was sooo incredibly hot that I could not keep my eyes off him. The next day, Gabby and I went mutak at elsewhere, just to chill out and I came back to Top Banana finding him..oh god, friggin topless. Needless to say, I approve of the tradition, and the upper torso of course. He subtley went to talk to me, asked me if I was ok and talked about stuff. He is an American, doing research on some river fishing thing (I wasn't paying too much attention), he lived in Bangladesh in the past two months, and to demonstrate how touchy feely Bangladeshi men are, he touched my hand and caressed it! Oh god, my fucking panties just dropped!!

Yesterday I worked at Top Banana (like, attempted to anyway) and saw him with a girl in the Indian resto round the corner. I was like oooohhh nooo he's on a date but when I slyly said that, he said he's just a friend. Then we talked, he defended me about my want for risks in front of everyone, he sat down next to me (me being completely oblivious) but he got talking to Fran and I think Fran likes him, and maybe he likes her too. Although he was concerned when he thought I was going to leave, they were getting along too well (but Kelly was saying that Fran was more into him than he is into her, and that it didn't really strike her that he is interested in her anyway). But I didn't wanna seem desperate so I left them at it, but later on he came rather close to me. Oh god, my fucking gorgeous prototype Keanu Reeves type is in top banana, im gonna try to get a snog out of him. Tonight, I am a bad girl and will go to snowy's for sunset (or if there is.. it's raining here right now!).

But just my luck, Jeremy arrives tomorrow. Aaarrrsseee!! but I could use him to make Brett jealous, as tom said, male psychology is very simple. it worked the first time, it may work this time.

I NEED A MIRACLE.

Is buddha telling me to leave Cambodia?

2010-03-24T08:55:00.000-07:00

I don't know, is it me or am I just experiencing a string of (or maybe more) bad luck this time round in Cambodia? It has certainly made things interesting... up to a point anyway until the time comes that I get raped.

Told you that at work, the director has assigned to our guard the task of taking me everywhere. For a week, that was all great, I would wait for all people to leave the office first because he has to lock up everytime. Friday night, I went to this khmer club where I saw him and I said hi, not much coz I was with my friends.

Monday, I finished work 15 minutes early so I was just waiting around for everyone to leave the office for me to go home. The driver asked me to sit down and so I did, and he sat down too close to me. I didn't want to read into it too much coz sometimes Khmer people are like that (although with women, not men so wasn't quite sure if there was something weird going on). Coz I felt uncomfortable anyway, I stood up to read and faff about, he would offer for me to sit down again (he barely speaks english) but I wouldn't. I noticed that our gates are locked, and everytime I'd open the door to look outside he kept closing it, which was weird. Then I grabbed a chair, then he sat next to me on that tiny chair deliberately and forwardly, then before I knew it, his hand was caressing my back and I stood up and said calmly that he is taking me home, my khmer mother is expecting me for dinner. This was all weird, like this was nearly 20 past 6 when I normally get home around 6, I thought we were waiting for people to leave but nobody left all that time I was waiting, he locked the gates too, and obviously the sexual advance made me think, oh god I am going to get raped and I am trapped in this place. I am impressed that he backed down and took me home, the problem now is what to do next.

I was thinking obviously to tell my director, this woman loves me to bits, this guy is gonna get his ass fired instantly. I am also working for an NGO fighting against sexual abuse and rape so imagine if her own staff was caught doing that. I know definitely he will get the sack. But here, its a big thing if someone gets fired, people go nuts with guns basically. This guy is the guard and lives in the office. He also knows where I live, and I live with khmer family and they might get involved if some shit happens. I know it sounds exaggerated but its not really uncommon here to have guns, and I'm scared he'll go crazy because I cost him his job and his home. If I try not to use him as my driver, my director will get offended and ask why, and I have no good reason to turn down a free service and will look badly on me. At first, all I wanted was to isolate the incident and just make sure that I am not alone with him, but that wont be possible all the time. I can't be with people all the time because we're all doing different things, and he has the keys so it just takes a moment that I realise I am alone and can't escape. I thought I can suck it in, but this is exactly what the ngo is advcating against and I refuse to be that kind of victim. But today I feel scared, I can't even take being anywhere near this asshole, I can't work in that kind of atmosphere where I am scared and constantly checking, I can't pretend everything is fine when he had every motive to violate me and why should I give a crap about his job when he should have thought of that before making a pass at me. If I tell him not to do that again, otherwise he will lose his job, he might get aggressive, bearing in mind my refusal, and once a man has proven capable of locking you in, he will lock you in again just because he can, without anybody knowing. My khmer brother said he will drop me off home (driver can pick me up because he has to go to work, but I'm worried about being the last one to go home, so if I leave with my colleagues and chhapoan picks me up, I wont be alone with the cunt) but that's just eliminating a small part of the risk, the big part of the risk is that I still go to the office. I was thinking that I should go freelance, which is a big shame because I like the office, but I have to be safe as a priority. However, I am keeping myself safe, what if he does that with others? I know what went through his head, he saw me in a club at night time (therefore, a BAD girl) , as a foreigner that I am, dressed in a slutty dress so he thought I was easy.

Everybody and my family tells me to talk to the director, but my old colleague who I sought advice from told me to just carry on as usual in the next few days until we come up with a better solution. He agrees about my fears, that it is not unfounded. So I hope God gives me strength to last these few days until he figures out a solution. Today, I went in to the office with Srey Neang (where the asshole was told never to show his face anywhere near our family) and told my director that I'll do freelance instead and therefore biting the "that's laziness" bullet which might jeopardise my future job in PJJ. But I am hoping that at the end of this week I can tell my director what actually happened, with enough security on my side. I told Savy, a close female colleague and she was so sorry for me, and when I left she accompanied me outside. Bless her, I made her promise though not to tell just yet. She was livid with anger with the cunt. So here I am, just biding my time. I am definitely telling the director before I leave in three weeks. I am going to make sure he gets his ass fired. By then, he would have no reason to track me down and hurt my family since I am out of the country.

So yeah, can you believe I am in this kind of shit?

Bennett's Birthday

2010-03-20T08:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Bennett's 21st birthday in Phnom Penh, so he is definitely legal to drink back in the US but obviously that kind of novelty did not really exist in Cambodia so it was rather anti-climatic. Nevertheless, I planned to go home after work for my Khmer brother's end of year exams party where I had my absolute favourite khmer bbq and some Angkor beer (I am getting better at beer). I love my Khmer brothers, I don't have one so I am finding it a great experience. I was teaching him his English homework, wow, never had to do that to my siblings.

So last night, after being good at school nights, I decided to drink and smoke shit loads. We had rice whisky in the form of a bottle with a cobra, a snake and a scorpion right inside it which was an absolute novelty. With Sovy and Darin both driving as Bonnie and Clyde, we then headed out to this club called Sparks, Khmer club for the elite (but I saw my motodup driver there so...?) and bumped and grinded with them as the only barangs in the whole club. Sparks reminded me of going into Oceana. But thank God inside, it was not seedy and there are no chavs. Then off to apparently the red light district of Phnom Penh which is Toul Tok, the other side of Lakeside, where we indulged in literally one cd of English and sang Titanic not too bad actually. Then home, where we finished the night with our usual late night hotdog and chips, I passed out on the sofa due to a very good spliff involving a bit of Opium. I was engaged with a higher level of subconscious.

Who says you can't be both good and bad?

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

2010-03-18T07:39:00.000-07:00

Started my internship this Monday, I am with really really nice Khmer staff, Savvy in particular (that's such a cool name too). I didn't know what quite to expect, so I obviously did something so unexpected on my first day: I interviewed two Khmer people for a job interview lol. It felt obviously empowering, to be on the other side of it. I have my own moto driver, who takes me everywhere! And also they told me that I am getting paid 100 bucks a month for this internship, and if funding goes through, they will secure me a job on my expected salary. They were very sad to hear that I was only staying for a month. Boy, aren't they keen not to let me go. On that note, my old boss Umit was telling me that he is applying for shit loads of funding so he can pay for me as his Legal Researcher when I get back. So either way, Cambodia or England, at least I am wanted even though the money is not showing yet. It's a nice feeling. Although I feel really stupid right now, because my brain has been dead for months that I have not worked, but it's slowly picking up.

I have been a good girl, school nights I don't go drinking but I need to spend friday and saturday nights at the Banana so it provides a nice balance between being good and being bad. It has been rather different not to live there, the place has gone through some modifications (we now have a bar). Some interesting news though, Belgian guy Bob who is one of the travelers I met in Laos, who has been nicknamed Wet Boy by Gabby and Kelly, who is really really hot, was apparently asking for me (Ha!). Also, I got some gossip about Jake. Thank fuck I did not sleep with him because he's not just your average player but that he actually collects women in the day and then gets to choose at night. Thank God I was not one of those gullible women. So maybe it was not bad karma at all, maybe God was just looking after me right, and maybe it was just right that I wait for Jeremy. After all, he is definitely coming (literally and sexually).

So, I had to renew my visa for one more month, my aunt has booked my flight back to Manila where I intend to (and adamantly will) work for the Red Cross. No more bumming around, need to do something productive these days. Makes me cherish little things in Cambodia such as the food that Khmer mummy cooks, the dogs Caco, Boon and Patrice, teaching English to my Khmer brother, meal times with my Khmer family, boy talk with my girlfriends, every life-threatening situation in a moto (like, everyday), my bargaining skills in the market, hammock times, every little thing that Cambodia has to offer. But then, a part of me is rather ready to go home. I've been telling my friends that I am coming back, because it does not look like the job at the ECCC will materialise at some point. Going back to Manila does not seem to be too dreadful, maybe it will be crucial for closure. Perhaps, but I know I'm going to be so fucking sad to leave. But definitely coming back, though. It's going to be another pitstop in Asia.

Something bad though, and I can't even believe I am entertaining this thought. Morgan and I have been exchanging emails. I know, I'm bad, it's really bad, but it only started with me curious if the guy is still alive or not. And to be frank, I probably feel the need to want to be with him because I know that Adrian had gone back to the girl back home so I wanted to make myself feel better somehow. It's really stupid, I'm stupid. My head says no but a part of me wants to give it another go. So yes, officially I can now call myself an emotional sado-masochist. I can't say I don't love him anymore, he is and will always be a part of me. Sometimes, people ask where does the love go? I suppose it's just been suppressed or circumstantial suspension? I don't know. All I know is that I should never listen to my heart again, or at least give it a bit of time to decide on these things.

Went to see Kelly today, she chatted to Adrian on FB. So yeah, he asked about me. I don't know much about what they actually talked about, but apparently it was all about me and not him, and he was trying to illicit. She told him how it was hard for me (apparently he "heard"... wtf?? who the fuck has he been talking to??), that the FB deleting thing was not personal (he wouldn't want to see pictures of me with boyfriends, and vice versa), and that it affected me more than I expected. She said how well I am doing, was sad for a while but ok. Thank God she did not ask about "how's life in America" kinda thing. I don't know what I was expecting. But apparently he'll try one day to be my friend again. Yeah, like I'm going to do that.

Leaving Cambodia will be closure.

You're not here but you're just goddamn everywhere Part II

2010-03-15T06:57:00.000-07:00

Got another authentic message from Kenny's ex girlfriend, apparently Adrian told her to ask me to add him again on FB. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. I really wanna do something about it, you know. Send him a really really shitty and spiteful message that will deter or rather traumatise him from even contemplating the thought of me again. But you know, let him wallow in god knows whatever the point of it is. Just for the sake of it, this is what I really want to tell him:

Adrian,

Can you just bugger off and leave me alone. If truth be told, it hasn't really been that easy and I'm just trying to move on. But it does not help when I keep hearing that you're asking about me and then they go tell me about it. Do you wanna know how I am? I am just GREAT. Thanks for asking. It's nothing but an insult to me. I know you're being genuine about it, but what do you think is the goddamn point of it? To me, you just feel sorry because I'm the one left behind so you feel the need to ask. The last thing I need is your pity, or you feeling sorry for me. I am fine, I don't mope around like some lovestruck idiotic girl. I mean I have managed to secure an internship the day after you left so stop wasting your time and mine, enjoy home and hope things are great with that girl. That's what you wanted, right?

I'm sorry that I don't want to be in contact with you. I don't hate you. It's nothing personal, like I said, I'm just trying to be happy and the only way to do that is to forget about you. It's harsh, but gotta be done I'm afraid. I'll always cherish those really happy memories with you, but sometimes I want to remember and at the same time I want to forget. I hope one day I can be free to remember the happy times without feeling sad afterwards. But until that day comes, I'm just gonna have to pretend that you were just a figment of my imagination and nothing else.

You're not here but you're just goddamn everywhere

2010-03-14T22:56:00.000-07:00

This is why the need for the separation of pillars in your life is utmost crucial. You're trying to get over somebody and he's just fucking everywhere: Top Banana, facebook, the entirety of Cambodia in general. Tried my hardest to block him, but he seems to be invincibly unblockable. Not to mention the occasional slips from people, the "Adrian says hi" or "Adrian was asking about you" comments where I don't really know if I welcome or not. A little bit of me wants to know how is he doing, since he kept asking people how am I, I feel slightly obliged to do the same thing. But I am only asking to know, or rather hope, that he is having a shit time, which obviously won't be the case. I'm better off just not knowing, because if I hear that he is having the time of his life, which he should be of course, I'll just cry. I have been having a few bad days, been missing him loads which was shit. Aaaaaarrgggghhh.. cannot wait for Jez to come and I'm sure this is all just last guy syndrome or some bollocks like that.

Two English Roses in Kampuchea

2010-03-13T03:48:00.000-08:00

When Heather came down to visit, it wasn't as what I expected it to be. I wanted to give her an authentic Khmer experience, but that was fulfilled so far as to the food but nothing else. We just ended up doing touristy things, and it defeated the object that I wanted it to be an experience for both of us. Well, things started off well, showed her Riverside, Heart, stayed up all night talking but I ended up going to bed (bad reaction mixing alcohol with ganja) and she had a bad episode with Choo. She was hysterical, it was just culture shock and also didn't know how to quite deal with Choo and it must be overwhelming from a Westerner's pespective. Anyhow, it all got sorted out, she got some long-awaited sleep and headed to SV the next day. We had a nice day, mostly watching me bargain my ass off and banter with Khmer people, ate good food at the stalls of Serendipity Beach, watched a glorious sunset with a big honking red sun Sihanoukville style. Had a few cocktails, ended up in this English bar called the Nap House. We saw these three hot Brit guys who stayed at the Banana the other day, ended up talking to one of them who was really really hot, at one point it looked like something was going to happen but I ended up taking the piss outta him because he said he prefers sex when he's inlove or some pansy bullshit like that. Told him he was a pansy and that I probably have more testosterone than him, so didn't get laid in the end, especially when you insult his manhood and make him look like a mug infront of his mates. Yeah Kim, that's just slick. In my defence, he wasn't really that nice, he reminded me of Morgan with his dismissiveness and I was also heavily intoxicated by a particularly lethal Mekong Bowl.

So the next day, we went for an all day Island-hopping trip with BBQ and snorkelling. Heavily hungover from the night before, was quite impressed to make the boat at 8:00. Realised that some cute hotties, one of them Heather had been eyeing up since yesterday, were on the boat as well as other Europeans. First off was snorkelling, I thought it would be a lot more colourful but as much as I thought it was lovely, it mainly consisted of what looked like mushroom ears and shitloads of sea urchins. It also did not help that the snorkelling gear was awful, water kept going into it and it was weird to breathe not using your nose kinda thing. Afterwards, we went to Bamboo Island and had some lunch. I had a glorious nap. Bamboo Island looked so different since the last time I went there. It was rainy season, and it looked very wild, with choppy waters and untamed surroundings. This time, it was sunny, it just looked like paradise. Heather started having really bad reaction to the sun. She didn't put any sun cream on so started to have bad sunburn and blisters (and I'm proper black too)! We managed to cope until we got back on to the main shore. Nevertheless, enjoyed a banter with a Belgian guy who Heather fancies (and I secretly fancy too, he was just fit and was bantering with me loads) and a Scottish guy whose accent was so strong. We met up with the guys for dinner, but I don't know why they all wanted to go home, and Heather started to swell up and decided an early night. We were scheduled to go to Kampot but she was starting to feel really awful so we chartered a taxi back to Phnom Penh and went to Naga Clinic. She just needed some rest and the next day, we hit PP tourist spots such as Wat Phnom, National Museum, and S21. S21 was so horrible, I nearly cried when we got to the last room. It was graphic which hit me so hard. Had ice cream sandwich to make myself feel better. When I figured that Heather can cope with traveling, I took her to Siem Reap where we obviously saw Angkor Wat (for me, again) although same same, but different. Ate crocodile, which tasted like pork... hmm not bad. Funny thing was, the night bus from Siem Reap to PP ended up in Sihanoukville at 6 a.m. in the morning, where Heather's flight is at 11 at PP. Fuck, shit hit the fan, chartered a taxi back to PP racing with time, picked up luggage at TB and raced to the airport. Thank fuck she made her flight.

The day before we left for Siem Reap, Kelly and I rejoiced when the hot Ozzy guys came back to Top Banana. I remember seeing them the day after Adrian left, and could not refrain from checking them out. Two in particular, I call the hotter and the slightly hotter guys, are obviously from the word, very hot indeed. But at the time I was too raw to do anything so they left for Siem Reap and not seen them for days. Kelly and I were sad. Anyways, they came back much to our astonishment because we were thinking that we won't see them again. That day also was International Women's Day, through drink and ganja, and from much support and encouragement from my friends, I wrote Jake a note saying "Jake, Hi... Wanna fuck? Kim x" and knocked in his door. I figured that if he answers his door, good I'll get laid. If not, at least I tried. He fell asleep with his ipod on so it was too bad. That night, the British boys came back to the Banana and there it was, good karma + bad karma = no boom boom for me. Apparently, what went down at the Banana was that he was slated by his friends because he was stupid enough not to realise a booty call when it was knocking at his door. He asked Darin when I was heading back and it was that night we were leaving Siem Reap back to PP so I was really really happy. Then shit hit the fan; my period came and we ended up in Sihanoukville in the morning. God just does not want me to get laid ahead of schedule. Just wait for Jeremy. Aaaarrrggghhhh....

Nothing much has happened in my life since then, except the fact that PJJ this NGO I start my internship with, has asked me to go to the Australian Embassy for this presentation about human trafficking and sexual exploitation. Saw the Minister for Interior, Justice and Women's Affairs (I have also seen the Deputy PM once too). I made my presence known by asking a question about what efforts had been made to crack on the demand side. Go PJJ!!

Having a particularly bad time at the Banana, it was great to have relaxed there for a night, I was starting to feel trapped and haunted again so off I went to my Khmer family. Chhapoan took me to a Khmer kid's birthday party, loads of food and dancing, met two of his friends one of which I fancy (my first Khmer crush) and ended up slow dancing to one of his friends who looks like my Uncle Itoy (quite weird). It was all really fun, everybody was dancing and didn't care, I love Khmer people and culture. Very welcoming.

I'm Sorry, Just Trying to Be Happy

2010-02-28T19:22:00.000-08:00

I went to Laos for five days with Sovy and Darin. We took the car to the border, where we were ripped off by immigration, telling us to hire this minivan to take us to the nearest city (Pakse) for $70 because we're not allowed to take our car (wtf?). The journey all in all took about 8 hours or so, we arrived at Pakse very knackered and decided to get some Laotian street food. The beef reminded me of something like tapa which was so cool. The next day, we decided to head towards some beautiful waterfalls in this little town called Paksong which is 50 km away from the city on a Lao minibus - a cross between a van and a jeep, pretty cool sight. Paksong is a cold place, it sits on the Bolaven Plateau so it has colder climes than the rest of Lao. We checked into this lovely guesthouse where I saw a Malmag monkey or at least in the same family, this one is the size of a fist and pretty cute one. We rented two motos (they do not let three people on a moto as in Cambodia style) and headed towards this spectacularly tall waterfalls - Tat Yuang - it was steep as hell, full of rocks but enjoyed a bit of a swim and it felt like a jacuzzi if you lean back where the water falls onto the next set of rocks. Fucking brilliant. Obviously took touristy shots - haha, gotta be done. However, the roads going to the waterfalls were so dangerous, at one point we got off our bike to push it because the place was hilly and I was worried about Darin because she is pregnant. Nevertheless, we rode into the sunset in the very deserted highway roads of Paksong. That night, we were in dire need of some English karaoke, we circled round the block looking for some entertainment only to find that there was literally none and got to bed around 10.

The next day, we headed back to Pakse to catch another minibus to Si Phan Don, which means 4,000 Islands along the Mekong river. It was a gruelling hot 4 hour journey, jeepney style discomfort, with the bus stopping occasionally to be harrassed by millions of sellers. We indulged in some bbq chicken and sticky rice on the way. Eventually got there through renting a boat with 3 other Belgian dudes then checked into this room with a view of the Mekong river. It was a fantastic view. The river is sooo clean, had a dip but it was too deep for me to actually be confident in doing some swimming. It was full of rocks, many guesthouse huts along the riverfront, it was actually quite a wealthy island because of the tourism - they have english restaurants and bars, tourist services like boat trips etc, not to mention the guesthouses everywhere, the prices are similar to Phnom Penh. But it was quite tame in a way to see Laotians not wanting to be influenced by the by products of tourism - e.g. becoming Western in themselves. They are still traditional, their living is very simple, I can tell that they are well off because they have loads of pigs, chickens and cows, and nobody ever begs. I found Laotians like to keep themselves to themselves, and very stubborn when it comes to bargaining. That night, there was this guy with a boat who invited us to their home, where his wife cooked fish for us to eat. We also spotted a very very old and sick woman inside the house which we obviously felt so sorry for. I spent the rest of the night talking to the Belgian dudes, who have traveled quite a bit and told me their stories, I told them my stories, and thank God knows a bit of Brighton as they have been there themselves. It was cool to talk about home.

The next day, we decided to rent bicycles and go round the island. Sovy and I had "happy banana" - never ever cycle when high! The path was sometimes straightforward, very dusty though, but we got to the waterfalls and obviously when high, it was uber fantastic! These waterfalls are different from Tat Yuang, this one was full of rocks although not so high. It looked great - like how the water was splashing badly on the rocks and how it flows quietly down the river. We found a patch of beach in this river leading towards one of the enclosed areas in the river, where there are shiny rocks everywhere, I have never seen a view like it. Obviously went for a dip, fully clothed (because I lost my swimsuit, damn!) and nearly drowned lol. Never ever swim when you're high, especially if you're not a good swimmer. I also remember this stupid fish bit me and it gave me a bruise, where I already had a scratch and was just starting to heal. Darin and Sovy went somewhere else, where Sovy claims to have seen a dead body lol.. it remains undisputed as of today. We took some silly pictures of us on this beach, it was a very rocky place and incredibly dangerous, the way I was climbing them was due to my self-assured confidence that being high seems to give me. I was fine though so as Darin would say, "no problem". It was a mission getting back, through being sedated as hell I had to face the prospect of cycling back with Japanese tourists on these minibuses looking weirdly at me and Sovy (well, we were saying "Ajinomoto" so I can understand why) and at one point, they looked at me (I must have looked really out of it) and all I can think of was that "this is the most gratifying experience of my life".

On the way back, we stopped for some coconut and papaya salad where the lcoals told us that the waterfalls claim a tourist's life once a year! I mean, these are the things that Lonely Planet does not tell you. I nearly drowned. A fish bit me and that could have been the kiss of death. I was cycling really bad and the path did not help either that sometimes my toe would get stubbed between the pedal and a ginormous tree root. I could have slipped on those rocks while climbing them thinking like a pro. With all these things going through my head whilst cycling like a maniac on the riverfront on the way back, I thought of Adrian and quickly, my mind said "You don't want Adrian to be your last memory before you die". So I started thinking of my life - I have a great family, I am with my friends, I have graduated at least, I am lucky enough to see wonderful sights, go travel and experience different cultures, I have learned my mistakes, I am proud of who I am and what I have become - I seriously thought if I died there and then, I would die happy. Funny thoughts, eh?

That night we had a nap and went to dinner at Mr Phao's. I think he was hitting on me properly but I was just too stoned to care. We did play some tunes, we have brought Beyonce and Nelly to Don Det village haha. Then we went to this village party, which I am guessing does not happen a lot, where there was dancing (very slow, not used to it) and had the most amazing sticky rice flavoured ice cream ever.

The next day, we went to the other side of the island to see this beach. Very nice waters, and as I did not intend to swim, Darin and Sovy grabbed each of my legs and pulled me to the water haha! I was still quite high from the night before so I was taking it easy, relaxing and stuff. Got back and planned to go to this party, what we reckon was a full moon party but when we got to the beach, I was incredibly disappointed to see Europeans just sitting there and drinking. I mean, come on. Europeans know how to drink and party hard. And we are in Laos! In a beach surrounded with exotic stuff! That was just fail.

The next day we decided to head home but we stopped at Kratie where we hired a boat and saw the rare and nearly extinct Irrawaddy Dolphins. There are only about 30 or so left, and they were so cute. I remember there were these two dolphins playing together. It's nice to see animals in love, it's so innocent and uncomplicated. We spent the afternoon relaxing on a hut with hammocks and ate great chicken! I'd like to go back to Laos and do Vientiane, Vang Vieng and the South of Laos. It's quite different traveling with other people and although I'm scared to go on my own, it will be better because I'll be more in touch with the experience. I was sad to go back to Phnom Penh, reminded me a lot of coming back to those feelings associated with Adrian.

I come home to my Khmer family, got them coffee from Lao and checked FB. There it is, a message from Adrian asking again why I deleted him, that if I don't want anymore contact I can say so, hoping that I am well and that I found a good job already, and "wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you". What's that supposed to mean, he's only saying that to spare my feelings and probably feels sorry for me. Well, that's the last thing I want from him and could ever possibly need so I messaged back, "I'm sorry, just trying to be happy". He said "Ok, do what you need to do". Yep, I know that already.

Some days I do really well and just think of him as a figment of my imagination. But times I know that he was real and I miss him, wishing things were different, wishing fate was on our side. But I think that there is no fate, you can make things happen, you can change destiny, if you really really really want to. The notion of fate/destiny is accepting defeat, that you cannot fight something you cannot control, you cannot change. But I think, and if a person really wants it that badly, you can alter your destiny however you want it.

Khmer Food!

2010-02-20T22:03:00.000-08:00

It has been a great few days, just discovering household Khmer food. For instance, today my friend's dad has come home so we had a Khmer Sunday Lunch. There were crabs, things like "dinailan" and "bagoong", "longganisa", macapuno, buko juice. But also, there was this papaya based salad with chilli, sugar, fish and veg all mashed up together which was very very nice. I am loving this experience. I'm trying to learn a bit of Khmer everyday, and the mother is just lovely. The dad is so lovely too. This is great for me.

I reckon we might sing later as Khmers love to sing (and so do pinoys), may nap first haha but tomorrow is a new day, working for PJJ, there are also plans of Sovy and Darin going to Laos this week so may be able to wing it. Then next week Heather gets here - I'm getting very very excited!! Should really make a proper itinerary soon... yeah I'll do that now lol

"Hey, why'd you delete me?"

2010-02-20T08:14:00.000-08:00

Going to bed and waking up in the morning seem to be emotionally the worst time for me - that's when I am incredibly vulnerable so my mind is more susceptible to thinking of horrible memories. I spent the whole day sleeping - woke up at half 11, had lunch, then slept again from 1 until half 4. In between and after my nap, I would go up in the roof top to read Nietzche dude which is rather complicated for me but I suppose he is healthier than thinking. At times I would be subdued within my own mind, looking through the wonderful view of Phnom Penh thinking where I went wrong. What is the most annoying thing of all is that you know you did not do anything wrong, but you are the one being punished for it. Fuck my life. There is no right or wrong. I'm starting to think that it does not matter whether you are good or not. If you're gonna get the same shit being good, you might as well be bad.

Went to Top Banana for a bit yesterday and today; it was a good feeling to know that I am not as haunted as before. It's great to be away for the place, which makes me crave for it now and then. Being away from Room 5 did wonders. Still a bit up and down, Srey Neang and I went to River House Lounge for her friend's birthday and I saw that Khmer Mexican Tequilla Guy who reminded me of one of my best nights in Phnom Penh and that was Halloween. The rooms have changed, thank God, otherwise I probably would have cried. It was weird, but I get over it eventually. I will get over him eventually.

Today, he added me on facebook, asking me why I deleted him. What can I tell him? That it's easier this way, that I can't get over him if he keeps popping up, that it is essential for me to get over him and therefore any form of contact or presence is an absolute no-no, that it is my policy not to have sexual exploits or failed relationships on facebook. All these are perfectly legitimate reasons why I should not have him as a friend on FB. But, why do I care? I wish to never see him again, never speak to him again or even be told of his existence. There is no point putting myself through hell when everything is going alright for him. I'm never going to see him again anyway. I don't need to explain anything, I owe him nothing.

IGNORE.

Khmer Family Experience

2010-02-18T22:05:00.000-08:00

Well..

Adrian did leave two days ago - where he was reluctant to be intimate with me, faffing about, pacing his packing and so forth. He did not say goodbye to me like I am his lover. We both knew that it is not the case anymore, God knows whatever the case was before that. It was really weird, in the past week I have been constantly high - for obvious reasons that I do not want to feel any more pain. Saying goodbye to him on that mental state was probably a good idea. There were times when I would get upset the day before he left, and he would tell me to be happy (again). When he got back from Takeo and told me that he was leaving in three days, I asked if we could go for a walk. We lay on the grass at the Independence Monument at night, as I just casually said that he is going so soon and he must be very excited. I told him of my plans of moving (what a coincidence). I said sorry that I did not know he was having such an awful time. He said he was not, so I asked why he was going back early. He said he misses everyone. I asked him if ever I have made him feel uncomfortable. He said no. I told him that he changed a lot, he asked how so, and I said he was just completely the opposite, he used to care so much but now he is indifferent. He said he still cares. I said no he does not, I can see it and everybody can see that. Right on cue there was this khmer guy who stole my cigarettes and Adrian went to get it back (all this I missed!). He said he does care.

I told him how lost I am feeling right now, and how weird that everybody seems to be dealing with it OK and I am not. He said everyone goes through it, I am not alone. Why do I feel alone then? He said "be happy". He makes it sound so simple. The thing with Adrian is that he never gets angry, offended, or anything human like that. Makes me look like a massive psycho in comparison.

That night, my sweet caring Adrian came back to me. For the last time. The next day I could not remember much, but we were so high when we went to bed that there was no hugging or anything like that. He was ready to leave, he was unhappy and I can see that. He did not even glance back when the tuk tuk sped off. He wanted to leave so much. I had to let him go.

Kelly told me what he was like when I was gone. He did not expect to be as upset as he was when I left. I was gone, and everybody was leaving. He knew his time was up at some point. He got back into contact with the girl back home, perhaps due to solitude. He was smoking way too much ganga, that could possibly explain the behaviour changes. He was barely in the orphanage, getting sucked into the Top Banana way of living. Our dynamics have changed, I was gone, then I was back again, and he got confused. He decided to go home early because of the girl. Man, I envy her so much. Or do I?

I had to get out of Top Banana. Everywhere was just a really bad de ja vu. I could not sleep the day that he left, because I was scared of my own bed being alone where him and I were (at least at one point) very happy. My room was like a prison; haunted with memories and I was so shit scared. All day yesterday I tried so hard to be busy, hell I have even secured an internship starting on Monday. With a little help from ganga, I slept (but not much). I thought it will enable me to just pass out and get over my fear, but unfortunately I got scared again (can't remember if I cried) but kept telling myself to forget him. Thank God for exhaustion, sleep came but I woke up and the horrible feeling was back again. At one point I slept on the couch outside just to get away from my room. I was surrounded with Adrian; the pillow he slept on, his smell, the jokes that went on in that room, our biting sessions. I just could no longer handle it. Chhapoan came, I packed my bags. Right on cue, one of Adrian's songs was being played and it was a nice goodbye to my room and to Adrian.

I don't know what I am actually feeling. A lot of it is loss and grief, that I lost Adrian in terms of how I thought he was. The other aspect of loss is that he left, even if things have changed and I was coming to terms with it, it's the fact that I want him by my side but knowing that I won't see him again. Then there is sorrow; I am sad that I could not make him happy, that he did not look at me the way he did before, that he did not touch me like the old times. Then there is some form of betrayal; I feel cheated and disappointed. I have come back for him, have I not? Just to spend more time with him and what did he do? He left me to be with someone else. I am disappointed with myself because I am such a fool. Then there is regret; why did I let my emotions dictate my plans in life, and for all reasons why did I go back for him (or at least him being a major part of it). Then there is some form of justification; how was I supposed to know? I'm ignorant and stupid, newbie traveler. I have guarded myself as much as I could ever possibly allow myself to be - I had no expectations... but I had one not knowing about it. I expected that he will leave, that things may be slightly bit different but all that I did not care because I ignorantly expected that he himself will not change. That was probably my biggest sin of all.

I am now staying at Srey Neang's house, where I am free from painful memories of Top Banana and Room 5 Siem Reap. I want to learn more Khmer, everything is great here and I feel much better (still up and down) but this is really good for me. I need this right now, I need perspective. Monday I start the internship with PJJ - an NGO dealing with human trafficking cases. I have a feeling that this is the start of a fresh new Cambodian experience.

What A Coincidence

2010-02-15T05:11:00.000-08:00

He is leaving in three days - Wednesday. Just as I thought I am leaving on that day. Ha. Life is funny sometimes. This is what we call fate - it's not gonna work.

Awareness and Consequences

2010-02-14T07:02:00.000-08:00

I have had a good Valentines Day. Spent it swimming with my girlfriends Rita, Srey Neang and Gabby at Elsewhere, obviously a fair amount of taking the piss out of my swimming of course. After that, we went to a street food place where we ate fried vegetables and duck egg! It was great. Then we went to watch the dancing thing in a park, got photographed with a famous Khmer singer, and toured around the lights of Diamond Island City which I am guessing will be the next Manhattan of Phnom Penh. I love being part of history.

Speaking of history, I am starting to make my own. I have developed sudden cravings for intoxicants, not just wanting them but needing them. Started with cigarettes, alcohol, then when someone mentioned "Happy Pizza", I was really on top of the world. There is a part of me that wants me to become like this. This is bad.

I am trying to rationalise why all this is happening to me, especially with what happened with Adrian.

TRAVELING EMOTIONAL DO'S & DON'TS: (BTW... very few DO'S here...)

- NEVER fall inlove, or have feelings almost to that idea or effect.
- Never tell anyone when you are leaving (or at least expected leaving anyway, because if you're leaving earlier than what was expected, people are gonna start asking and think they have a right to do so).
- If ever faced with a "threesome" or multiple sexual partners situation, never choose. Choosing a person over another involves a person emotionally. You will start having feelings for them because of the mere fact of choosing. Get bored, then move on.
- Never come back and expect things to be the same. Even where you thought that kind of expectation was safe (even if confirmed or supported by others).
- When faced with a possible relationship (of whatever sort that it can materialise into), international dating rules apply - which means, no dating rule applies. The only rule is that both (or all) of you leave. I'm adding a new rule - DO NOT COME BACK.
- Never violate the mantra "What happens in Cambodia, stays in Cambodia" because if you do, you just experience KARMA and not eternal happiness as you thought it would bring you.
- Do NOT ever let your guard down, you do not want an "I love you" "Goodbye" experience when traveling (it was a great experience, but the stuff should just be left to look good in movies - because at the end of the day, its your heart that's hurting and not the actors in the film)
- Do not talk about home a lot - because if you do, that's telling you something.
- Do not go traveling, and then thinking you can go back and teach (or any job in desperation). Great traveling experiences are reserved to be appreciated for what it was, and not what you can make it to be. Things change, it is something you cannot control.
- Someone said this to me: "Don't worry about things that you cannot change". Beautifully put.
- Do experiment. Be a yes-person. That is how you learn and break down barriers. At least you have tried it and are in a better position to make an informed opinion about it. That is ought to be respected.
- Do not ever share your personal space with someone you are attracted to. There is no such things as "platonic relationships" either. While the idea behind traveling is to live your idealistic conceptions (thinking that wherever you are is a blackhole so normal words don't mean what they do in that space and time, and thinking that you are in control), this does not stop you from being human with hedonistic pig's characteristics.
- Do not ever look after someone (you like or trying to get over with). The TLC aspect of that makes the woman crave for a man, especially one they can look after. Do not also let anyone look after you, because the woman (who will want to be saved/rescue/taken care of) will start looking at you as their Prince Charming/Hero.
- Do not wear your heart on your sleeve. A little bit of emotional distance is natural and a personal entitlement, it keeps you sane. You cannot expect people to gamble their hearts in their traveling experiences (that is so much to ask of them, and you have no right). You would find that if you have a fling, be expected that they will be distant or would act weirdly with you when time makes you both aware of leaving. Do not fret, do not get angry, but just try to understand. Even if it is really really really really hard. Don't be selfish. As much as it is hard for you, it is hard for them, too. They're facing the same shit as you but the difference is that they're being noble and controlled about it, which a better person ought to be.
- Do not get carried away with the novelty. If you meet someone, don't think that they are different (or most convincingly, "opposite") from all those assholes you dated before. More likely than not, eventually something will happen that will make you think that you are condemned to being attracted to the consistency of the pathologically destructive self-inflicted fiery coals of hell called your "TYPE" and acts like exactly what your asshole boyfriends used to do.
- Do not ever describe a sexual or intimate interactions as "unique" and "special". Just do not get carried away. It is probably the same mundane interactions you used to have back home, but you are only looking at it optimistically because you're traveling and therefore a bit of an airhead.
- Do not be some over-analysing psycotic bitch. That is what you're like back home, you do not want your traveling friends to see that because it's almost bunny-boiler like and it ain't pretty.
- If living with someone, do not kick that person out, let them grovel for a bit then subsequently feel sorry for them, for you to invite them back in. It disturbs the power balance highly on your side.
- Do not ever force anyone to be with you by default. Not even for familiarity comforts.
- Do not ever get envious of the "girl back home". There is nothing you can do about it. It just reinforces your psycobitchiness and you don't want that.
- Do get out of your comfort zone. Don't be scared to be out on the prowl - if you work hard enough and be clever about it, the rewards are just amazing.
- Do not ever say "I have no expectations". That is not true, one cannot truly lead their lives and make decisions without any expectations, (even if very little) at all. There is nothing that phrase can do good, you only say it to make you seem that you are in more control of the situation than you actually really are (knowing that not in control scares the crap out of you so you gotta make yourself feel better somehow).
- Do not even try platonic spooning. You would know that you're not attracted or capable of developing feelings about a person when they try to spoon you and you spoon the wall.
- Do not get upset if you are not asked out on a "date". There is no definition of "date" outside home or anywhere in the Western world.
- Do not ever turn anyone tantric. Because they get spoiled.
- Do not ever want to look at the person you are having sex with (while lovemaking).
- Do not ever give them their own towel. You feel you have become Mr and Mrs Smith which is just weird.
- Do not ever let anyone see you cry.
- Do not ever rely on old-habit routines and what we call "normality". They change. It breaks your heart when they don't want to go get ice cream with you any longer. Then you realise that you're pathetic (you don't wanna go down that road).
- Do not concentrate your time with that someone. Make sure you give attention evenly to your friends.
- Do not have "our music" thing. After you break up, you ideally never ever want to hear it again. You are fucked wherever you are when you hear "our song" because it just opens a Pandora's Box of Emotions and more.
- Do not be that impressed by a man who knows foreign obscure songs off by heart. More likely than not, he does it to every single woman he meets and you're not really that special.
- Do not ever go into their room, expecting for a good night kiss. What the fuck?
- Do not ever watch them sleep and making a mental snapshot of that moment.
- Do not ever TELL anyone that you are inlove with them (covers both delusional and real).
- Do not ever share ice cream. Because there will be theft and jealousy involved.
- Do not expect them to go to bed with you, at the same time that you do. Even married couples don't do that anymore, that will be too much to expect from travelers.
- Do not ever ask them out for a weekend away. There will be commitment-phobic issues.
- Do not ever rely on a false sense of security.

I reckon there is more, but right now, just those I can think of.

Mid-Life Crisis #2

2010-02-13T21:29:00.000-08:00

All the pillars in my life are crashing down.

Family Life:
My mother is not very well. She has bad asthma right now due to the sudden drop in temperature back in England and the fact that seasons are changing from winter to spring soon. I spoke to her quite a lot in the past couple of weeks, and it pains me to hear her choking her guts out coughing on the phone. I also felt more bad because she was planning to go to the bank and give me some money, when I have told my sister that she should give me the money rather than my mother go downtown to do that so she can rest. I am such an unusual child; my parents have brought me up to look after them. I would go see them every week just to see how they're doing, if they need any help, tell my mother off for working too much. I have always been the one checking up on them. Now, I am halfway across the world, telling her off on the phone, telling her that my sisters are unreliable and making me feel equally bad because I am not there for them to rely on. This really sucks. I have been away from them for four months now, and I am finding it hard to deal when one of them is sick, on top of all the shit that my parents have to do. This will make my traveling plans very difficult; as I am a person who always worries about loved ones. My friends are helping me look at it constructively; like the situation is what it is right now, but it is not as bad as I think it is, and that I will look back into this situation and think "they were alright". Because when you're far away, there is nothing you can do for now. Learning how to deal with that at the back of your head while trying to find yourself in God forbid whatever place you are at is part of the experience. It hurts really really bad.

Job/Career Stuff:
I have been job hunting, with the help of my Khmer friends Chhapoan and Vanny, and Sonarita and Srey Neang for giving me leads and keeping me sane with all this. I have a few options:

1. teaching
2. NGO work
3. law firm
4. teach law in university
5. volunteer

I have had 4 job offers so far... two for schools only offering me four hours a week, one NGO job for labour rights could not fund me, and another one depends on funding and god knows when that will go through. I also taught 18 year old Khmer teenagers for 3 days; my first day I froze up because I was unprepared (I was only supposed to observe), we could not find a common ground with music or films or anything, they asked me if I knew any games and I was like "Nooooooo!" so I ended up walking out on them. I said sorry to the director, but he gave me another chance the next day to do my lesson plan so Kevin and Anne-Marie helped me a lot.. we sang Oops I Did It Again!! and we had such a great time. I loved them. They were non-judgmental, kind, understanding and respectful. It broke my heart to reject that offer. Now, I just have to play the waiting game. I need job security. So right now, I am frustrated, all the jobs are on the table but they are not the right ones. I want to teach and do human rights work. So far, my options are not looking good. I am running out of time, I am getting restless.

Love Life:
Adrian smiles a lot more now and funnier, which gets better everyday. However, he is still distracted in bed and quite difficult to get him to spend time with me intimately. I just gave up. He does not want me like before. I can never get him back the way I had him before. It breaks my heart. He has actually turned into the kind of man who I fall into this destructive trap, wherein two months ago he was the complete opposite of. He makes me feel like I have to fight for his attention, crave for it badly and wanting to be wanted by him. I hate being like this, because it's exactly the same pattern in my relationship that I ended up staying with the guy until they destroy me to pieces. I have to get myself out of this situation, it's the only way to stop this vicious cycle of self-inflicted hell that I usually put myself into. On top of that, he has moved his flight early and is leaving in two weeks. He did not tell me, I found out from the others. Be careful what you wish for.

I am not angry that he is leaving early; I am just disappointed. He knew that I came to Cambodia to have more time with him, and that I was prepared to take a gamble knowing that he is willing to take it with me. But obviously, with him leaving earlier, that's not the case. To him, he does not care whether he is with me or not, he is leaving soon anyway and he has someone to come home to. I can see it, everybody can see it, I have to stop caring. I HAVE TO STOP CARING.

On Wednesday, I am moving to Srey Neang's place. Her family has kindly offered to take me in as homestay. I think it will be good for me. I have to get away from Adrian, he breaks my heart. To me, goodbye was when I left him back in December. That was the Adrian I knew and want to cherish.

On a lighter note, I may take up a month or two internship with Protection for Juvenile Justice, the NGO who will offer me a fixed salary if and when funding goes through. It will be great to experience Khmer culture at home, and still go to Top Banana every now and again. I look forward to a different experience in Phnom Penh. My friend Heather is coming to Cambodia from the 1st - 11th of March, thinking of going round Cambodia!! It will be so exciting!! Then I think I will go back to Philippines before my flight to England in May.

Home Sweet Home?

The Insanity and the Fortune Teller

2010-02-06T21:57:00.000-08:00

I spent the whole of the next day job hunting and blatantly ignoring him. I am glad he got the idea that I do not like being badgered. Ok, yes, given how angry I was with Adrian, that night I felt so sorry for him sleeping outside so I asked him back into my room (WTF??!? I am so stupid). He said sorry, and asked if we could talk, I said we don't have to (it's probably best that way). He had his arms around me quite tightly and whenever I pulled away, his grip only got tighter, but caressing it lightly at the same time. I told him that he is right, love is too strong for a word to use. I loved the idea that there was this man who thinks I deserve better, but the idea does not quite manifest itself in reality. I asked him if he was ok, he nodded yes.

Chloe came in around 2 a.m. to drag me to the Heart of Darkness (Adrian did not come) where we danced the night away, then to Manhattan where I experienced Chinese-Khmer trance music and then got a massage where we ended up getting back to TB around 7 o'clock in the morning. It was a blast.

The next morning, Adrian spent a few minutes prodding me with sharp toothpicks obviously to my utmost delight. But I found myself not being that attentive to him by spending more time with others such as John and Bennett. John is actually really cool, he's the only one who understands my obsession with Jun Pyo. He is rather cute, he found his way into my new appetite for Korean men (not obsessively though). At one point I needed Chloe's help with my dress, and she told me to stop making Adrian jealous because I was talking about Morgan and Jeremy. I had no idea, like Bennett was showing me Maggie and I was only asking him if he wanted to see one of my exes as Keanu Reeves look-alike. As far as Jeremy is concerned, I just saw that he still talks to him, but that's just about it. Needless to say, I didn't really care. I'm getting back to my old self again; I was indifferent, signalling that I don't need Adrian. I guess my problems started when I risked myself being vulnerable to him and I should reassert the balance right by not wanting or needing him.

Anyway, the day was spent having lunch with our bunch at Friends, where Adrian kept poking me with toothpicks again (I could sue with ABH)with more abusive conversations. He was going back to Takeo that day to see a nurse about this stomach bug and I felt indifferent (which is a good thing). Chloe and Rob's last hour in TB was spent singing Karaoke, we did a duet of "My Heart Will Go On" hehe. Goodbyes were said, tears on faces, I didn't want to go back inside until I saw the tuk tuk disappear from view. I went straight into my room and cried. I cried for many reasons; primarily because of the fact that when everything has changed in this place, and I am struggling to deal with the fact that Adrian is no longer the same, Chloe remained the same. She was my sweet sweet Chloe, there for me when I am being unreasonable and a pain in the ass. She brought me back down to earth at times when I could not see past my irrational sense of normality. And now, who is going to counsel me? Who can I talk to? I felt alone and empty.

Adrian came into my room, saw my distraught state and comforted me. He had his hand on my shoulder, caressing it lightly, I can feel how concerned he was for me. I was crying so hard until I got myself in a state of exhaustion and both of us slept the afternoon away. We both woke up, he left and got back, giving me chocolate bread (I know how to pronounce it in French but don't know how to spell it lol) which was the best thing to give me when I am very very upset. I decided to go out for a walk, and Darin joined me. It was nice that Darin was there, I was listening to her problems and advised her as a friend, and I am also concerned for her mental and physical well-being because she is pregnant. She also asked me about Adrian. She sensed that things were quite different; she said he has changed. Apparently Liang told her that she saw Adrian crying on his computer, don't know when it was. Darin thought I knew, but I don't because Adrian does not really tell me anything at all. I am guessing it was when he was speaking to his girlfriend. Darin sensed that there was something wrong; she said he used to be all over me, even Tom said he had such puppy dog eyes for me. Darin said sorry for asking me to choose Adrian, I said it's not her fault. I chose him out of my own accord. But you know, things have changed now and I can't expect it not to. It is sad, I am coming to terms with it. Some days I am dealing with the change amicably, some days I feel like the world is crashing down. When I got back to TB, I cried again, because Chloe's leaving signifies the end of the normality I loved and craved for, and right on cue Adrian came into my room which made me upset even more, reminding me of how much he has changed and how alone I felt. I asked him to leave me alone, he asked if there is anything he could do, and I shook my head. Sadly, in this case, there is nothing Adrian can do.

After an hour or so, I decided to get a grip on myself and stop dwelling on the past. Out there is a man who still cares, albeit differently but what is important is that he knows me and despite everything that has happened, is still there for me. I went outside to find him asleep so I lay beside him and put my arms around him, where he responded by holding my hand close to him. We went back to my room, he went in first because I spent few minutes talking to Rudi about unconventionality. I missed my conversations with Rudi. But I was so tired I had to cut our conversation short and decided to go to sleep. Me lying on his chest, his arms around me caressing me lightly and not breaking away until the early hours of the morning.

I know that I have vowed not to sleep with him again. Because of everything that happened and I am convinced that he no longer wants me. I do not even know what kind of capacity I fulfil for him. I used to know what that was, but that was before. It might not be the same now. He is probably just going along with it because it was that kind of familiarity that he feels he could not break away from. That he might as well, seeing as I prompt him on everything. Despite the way he holds me when we sleep, he does not make love to me the way he did before; he used to crave for me, and I felt it with his touch, the way he kissed me and the way he would look at me. Although I feel how much he cares, he is distracted when love-making, almost boringly mechanical for him. That I am just some sort of alternative he can have for now until he gets the real stuff, you know? But I am still very sexually attracted to him, and I wouldn't want to sleep with anybody else (but I know I have to). To me he is this drug I cannot refuse. In the morning, I made a mistake of kissing him, kissing his neck, and again I felt he was distracted and I had to take his hand and touch my breasts. For my emotional selfish sake, sometimes I wish he would just take me and forcefully make love to me, at least I know that he wants me so badly. But he would not, so I went down on him and he came within minutes. He laughed, I laughed, I tormented him, I took the piss, he received it graciously with some humour but almost ashamedly, and I reiterated the infamous "don't judge me" line he used on me the first time I went down on him. The laughter reminded me of the old times, he laughed like I remembered back then, compared to his laughs in the past two weeks that to me were feeble attempts to bring back the normality of what we had back then. But the laugh he had was welcoming, it was great to see it so genuine. I do not know if it is a fleeting moment, God I pray that it will happen again. After that he had to get the bus to Takeo, I was getting ready to see Sonarita and he came back because he missed his bus, scaring the shit out of me. I refuse to be physically comfortable around him in terms of nakedness, and while I was badly multi tasking, he was assigned to brush my hair while I text LOL it was funny. This is indeed welcoming. It felt light-hearted. It felt good, like home.

I spent the day going shopping with Sonarita at the Russian market, then had fantastic Khmer lunch at her house, then joined Srey Neang, Chamnan and two of their friends in a day trip just outside Phnom Penh in these picnic hammock huts next to the River, in this place called Prek Ta Son. I had a glorious 2 and a half hour nap, then when we headed back to the city, we decided to see a fortune teller. So, four girls went to see a fortune teller. Three of them asked about when they're gonna get married, and there I was asking if I am gonna get a job in Phnom Penh and if I am going to be a successful lawyer. HAHA.

The fortune teller said that I will get a job, but will be unhappy because of the work. I will be rich, there will be plenty of money around. I will have two kids, I have not met the one for me but once I meet him, he will love me forever. She also saw that a relationship of mine just ended that broke my heart. I am a strong lady, and I will start at the bottom to be the boss on top. I have many friends, and I will always have friends wherever I go. With jobs, I just have to wait and see, hear some news. With being a lawyer, there is hope (I guess that sounds optimistic).

She asked me if I have any more questions. I asked about Adrian. She said it is only love, but not marriage (I don't want marriage anyway lol). He loves me but it will end (I knew that already). But Adrian will never go away, that if we are to break up, it will be because I want it so (that sounds accurate).

What a bombshell.

It's Definitely Over

2010-02-03T05:23:00.000-08:00

Ha... how unpredictable my return is turning out to be.

Well, last time I checked, Adrian and I were OK. I can deal with his isolation and this new found addiction to his computer because that's what he has become and I have to deal with that. But, again, the girl shows up every now and again, either on FB or in my mind. She loves him and I know he loves her. So I asked him if he still loves her, he said yes. If that's the case, he should not be with me. He said it is not a big deal; she knows about Adrian and I, he is free to be with anybody he wants to. But I know that that is no longer enough for me, that I can never have his heart. At one point I was reconciled with it, but I was not quite prepared to take this big gamble, knowing that his emotions are half-hearted. I know that I am the one who is getting hurt by all this. When he leaves, he won't be sad because of this girl waiting for him back home. Either way, he doesn't really care because he is not really risking anything. But I am, so I told him that things cannot carry on because I am inlove with him. He said "those are very strong words to use". I told him that I fought so hard not to get to this stage, this was the last thing I really wanted. We cuddled at night, nevertheless. Tomorrow will dictate how different things will be.

Tomorrow came, I woke up regretting telling him what I told him. Should have just kept my mouth shut and not made things unnecessarily complicated. I thought that how I feel for him is really my problem, not his. So I decided to cuddle up to him and made love. An accident occurred (Aunt Irma came, EARLY) so obviously to his horror and to my absolute amusement (typical, it had to be him that this has to happen to!). I personally thought it is really really really funny, told Bennett about it but what I did not appreciate was that he would go round saying that its gross and disgusting.
So let's review the past week, shall we?

- at times, no sex, intimacy is not what it was before
- one time, REJECTED sex
- this time, I am disgusting and gross.

I mean, it's a fucking accident, just get over it and we can have a laugh about it. But feeling unwanted, rejected, and ugly as it is, I just did not appreciate being called gross and disgusting. Like he will never have sex with me EVER. But what really pissed me off even more was that why did I give a shit?? I can get WHOEVER I want. I did not speak to him for the whole day, in the afternoon I decided to let it go a bit. Met Srey Neang, Sonarita and Chamnan for dinner, made sure I was dressed nicely (he asked me where I'm going, I said "out") and implying that I really don't need him (which I am starting to regain now). Came back, wanting to tell Ken what happened and it was slapped in my face again. I said, "I have just had about enough of you", went in to my room, grabbed his shit and elegantly chucked it outside my room and gave him the finger. IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. It felt good.

I was angry, but it was so empowering. I feel fine actually, like its probably what I needed to get him out of my system so I should really say thanks. This will save me a ton of emotional hassle. He has been grovelling (going through my window, freaking me out actually) and I have been telling him to fuck off (very nicely). I actually have no intention of letting him back into my room, or even into my life. Maybe it's for the best. Thanks, Aunt Irma. Your little experiment showed the low level caliber quality of Adrian who I thought was the aberration of my type. He is an asshole just like the rest of them.

Yep... He's Back!

2010-01-30T03:44:00.000-08:00

Despite my self-reassurance that I am Asian and never catches stomach bugs like barangs do, how my beloved self proved me wrong. Yes, I have contracted what Adrian has and now we're two sick bunnies together. Although he is slightly better than I am, at the moment I can only take in liquids and feeling ridiculously dehydrated all the time. Last night was great, even though no love making (I mean, given our state) he held me again in his arms all night, and never let go. It's just great, we don't need to be next to each other all the time but I feel his presence. Last night he just lay on my leg and fell asleep, it felt good to feel him again. Every time I get out of my room, everytime he sees me, he looks at me and smiles. That is my sweet, caring Adrian. I suppose that was all I was looking for. He is very caring, he is looking after me, asking me about food, water and medicines, if I am feeling alright, etc. It's weird for someone to look after me when I am ill. I am also very thankful that Ken is here to make him laugh, since Rudi's presence kinda dampens his spirits a little bit, I found. Also, haha, just to retaliate by seeing his ex-girlfriend's picture on his laptop, I schemingly "misplaced" Morgan's passport photo underneath my bedside table which is next to his stuff. He saw it this morning and thought that it was the guy who used to stay in my room before. He was going out to put it on the door when I was like, "what the fuck are you doing?". He said, "this guy stayed in your room!" and I said, "do you know who that is?? that is my ex-boyfriend!". He was convinced that it was the guy who used to stay in my room and I said don't scare me like that (just to insinuate that he might follow me here, which obviously won't happen - was just milking it for all its worth). AWKWARD.

Yeah.. I do really good payback.

The Unconventional Comfort

2010-01-28T20:39:00.000-08:00

AS I thought things were getting better, it started getting worse again. He just left me again, he would go away when I come close, I was starting to just have had enough. I cried, cried so much my insides hurt. I felt physically sick and emotionally distraught. I wanted to shout, break things like I was eight years old whenever I felt wronged. My present condition could not cope with making myself get over it, so I sought refuge to sedative substances, which a small dosage was not even enough to make my mind the slightest bit docile. Elusiveness was probably the best reaction. I stared into space the whole night, thank god sleep came afterwards. I locked my door, I did not want anyone to see me like this. Hell, I could not even believe that for the first time I could not handle myself. Nevertheless, it gave me relief. I forgot my troubles, my worries, and what comes when Adrian comes in to my room and sees me in a tranquilised state. What the hell have I got myself into?

Eventually, I had to let Adrian in but I did not face him and I lay down. He came to me and hugged me, almost feeling sorry for me. He asked me to turn around and lay on his chest, like old times. He was hugging me so tight just like that night we got back from sihanoukville. I surrendered to the very thing I was craving for, and we made love. In my very sedated self, I asked him if he is bored of me. No, he said. I asked him if he was only with me because he couldn't get with Francesca and Chloe. No, he said. He asked me not to think like that. I asked him not to isolate himself from me, I told him that every time I come close, he moves away. He said he was not aware of it. Then we fell asleep, he did not let go of me all evening. This morning, it felt different. It feels rather normal again. He would smile like my sweet caring Adrian used to smile in the morning. He also got me some croissants (probably wrong spelling) and he would be next to me watching Big Bear Diaries. My happy bubble burst when I saw his girlfriend's picture on his computer. Oh yeah, I temporarily forgot about that girl.

What am I to do?

Slightly Better

2010-01-27T18:43:00.001-08:00

Due to the frustrations and helplessness, I decided to distance myself and hung out with others. When I decided to barricade myself in my room and be anti-social, he did come in and checked up on me. Went with my friend Bennett to his brother-in-law's gallery launch at the National Museum where we met this incredibly obnoxious self-righteous ozzy (feeling) hot shot lawyer. Afterwards I barricaded myself in my room again, this time with a good reason, where he was curious as to what I was actually doing on FB and lay next to me for a few minutes.

Last night and this morning was slightly better. He was closer, but not quite what it was. Gave him a kiss on the cheek, at least this time I got one back. I am rather hopeful.

Hello Cambodia.. but Goodbye Adrian perhaps?

2010-01-27T03:01:00.000-08:00

Touchdown!! I am now in Cambodia.. I spent a painful 12 hours in Vietnam (will elaborate soon) and ridiculously impatient and ecstatic when the bus hit the Cambodian border. All in good time (more fidgety than usual on the bus seat), I landed my excited self and my god forsaken heavy bags at Top Banana. Saw Darin sporting a blonde-brown hair which suits her really well, hugged Adrian and Bennett who were kind enough to carry my luggage upstairs and within seconds, everybody was gathered in my room like I had never left in the past six weeks. Caught up on all the stories, gossip, and the addictive company. Glad to be home.

Seeing Chloe was really great. I missed having my HK Ghetto Bitch girlfriend, who never judged me harshly. Rudi came afterwards, speaking in a very hushed voice which was uncharacteristic of him. Adrian, although was great seeing him again, was quieter than usual in present company. The stupid boy gave me this love bite on my shoulder as a welcome present. He also shaved a "K" down there as planned (haha). Our first night was fantastic, it just felt like it was before. The laughs, the presence, the innuendos, the jokes, the singing.. I was very happy. It was great to feel him again and him beside me again. I felt at home.

The next day, me, Chloe, Adrian, Rudi and Sovy all went out for a picnic at the Independence Monument which was made impossible due to racist Khmer policemen who picked on us because we were laying on the grass, wherein tons of other people were laying on the grass too. It's because we're barangs, Rudi had an argument with the policemen so we headed off to a market to have iced coffees and teas to calm down. There, we planned on getting palm wine and having a bbq for dinner (thanks to Sovy) and Rudi and Adrian bought these dinosaur patterned shorts for god knows whatever reason. The dino patterned shorts became handy later on that night when I suggested happy shots!! The night later on became a "Short-Shorts" themed party where we all got down to our shorts (I was wearing a pig patterned one- supposed to be for night wear but oh well, no one judges). Sure enough, Adrian and Rudi looked like Bananas in Pyjamas.. although a lot more naked this time. We also went outside to get some cigarettes and attracted quite some attention in our district, the half-nakedness of the boys was an eyesore/entertainment for people enjoying a drink or two. Happy shots were happy enough, I had no intoxicants for six weeks so I was truly enjoying the moments. I also discovered that Adrian has a talent for singing Khmer songs! However, just as Adrian said he is going to the bathroom, an hour later I found him in my room asleep and I just muttered "typical". Cannot quite remember what was going on in my mind that night. But yes, that is the start of things turning "just typical".

Sunday was incredibly frustrating. Pissed off that Adrian left me the night before, even more pissed off because he spent the whole day on his laptop. He isolated himself, even from me. I decided to take some break from obsessing and went out with Rudi, Ken, Chloe and Rob to Dodo Bar where we also met up with Nico, and afterwards to the girly bar called "69" haha.. where girls choose the guys apparently. It was entertaining enough... it was great to relax outside Top Banana every now and again. Chloe, Rudi and I headed home. It was quite nice because we got talking again, you know laughing and stuff, taking the piss of his singing obscene songs as usual. I almost forgot my irritation over the computer thing, until he rejected me. Never have I ever been rejected before, and I was just appalled beyond means. He said "today's just not a good time" and that he will explain sometime. I decided to sleep on the couch to blow off some steam, knowing myself that when I am angry at someone I do not sleep well next to them. He woke me up to get me to move to my room, but I was just not having it. Thank god he eventually gave up. But I could not sleep. I moved back to my room around 5 a.m. where sleeping was incredibly uncomfortable. The next morning, he was ill. I was very cold. He said sorry. But I don't think it was the illness behind the rejection. It was because of this girl back in Maine, who wrote on his wall "Adrian, please stop ignoring my messages. It makes me really sad". Yep, I have a feeling it is because of the girl back home.

While I was overanalysing and obsessing as a typical girl I am, my friends tried to calm me down by telling me to just chill and give him time. If there is indeed a problem, he needs me to be understanding. So I was, I ignored my feelings of rejection, humilation and being unwanted. I gave him medicines. I looked after him, checking up on him all the time. But again, he was in isolation. Everytime I would come near, he would go off somewhere. At times it was normal, at times it was the extreme opposite. I tried to distract myself with other people and it worked a little. Last night, nothing happened. At times he would put his arm on me like old times, but then he would realise what he's just done and go straight to the other side of the bed. The same today. Whenever I am near, he would subconsciously try to get away and do stuff. Again, he was distant, disconnected and isolated. What the hell is happening??!??!

Things have changed. I don't regret that I took the decision to come back, I love my friends and I missed them dearly. I wanted to come back to make it up to Adrian and spend more time with him. However, things were not quite the way they were. Adrian and Rudi are not talking. Because of this, Adrian is unusually very quiet. I asked both of them separately why they do not talk to each other. Both replied "I don't really know". Rudi and Chloe just became alright when I came back, I got them talking again and being comfortable again. Ken is still Ken I suppose, seeing a lot more of his promiscuous side. Bennett is still good, although he quit his teaching job which worried me a little bit, he is planning on going back to college next semester. Rudi was off the radar for a while, he was very quiet but happy shots night turned him into the sex pest Rudi as I remember him to be (which was rather comforting to see as a shadow of the past kinda-thing). Chloe is still my Chloe, thank god for that. I also met Chloe's brother, Rob who is very cool, and also John, a Korean guy they picked up from travelling around. It's a little bit of Ying and Yang. There was that familiar oomfort that Top Banana will always have - good people, fun times, intensified vibes. On the other hand, people come and go. And perhaps, maybe that is the case with their emotions.

I don't understand. I thought everything was fine. Did I expect too much? He is no longer my sweet, caring Adrian. He is someone else I do not recognise. Is he bored of me already? I feel like I am this clingy needy psychobitch craving for him to look at me and give me some attention. I hate being this kind of person. Maybe I need to sleep with someone else, to preserve the status quo, so things are "normal" in that sense. But I came here not wanting to play games. I thought Adrian and I are natural, I had no complaints, I thought he just understood me. This is just typical, once you break down the barriers, intending to give all of yourself with so much love to give, this is what happens to you.

I missed him so much. He said he missed me too. I hope he comes back to me.

Bye Bye Pinas!!

2010-01-21T17:48:00.000-08:00

Wow, time is finally here to leave Philippines. My trip to the province was fun, despite restrictions as to where I could possibly enjoy myself (which was limited to being indoors or touring the street food square of the Plaza). All I was able to do was to go to this resort called CWC, a place full of inflatable slides and shit that I can't even enjoy much because of muscle atrophy (as a side effect of six weeks vacation). No permission to go to lakes, rivers, island hopping and hot springs. Nevertheless, it was sad to leave that familiar comfort of childhood with funny Contreras cousins who are mischievous as well as overwhelmingly charming. Although I could not say that I am sad to leave the expectations that came with being a Contreras. Being around judges and prosecutors as family does indeed raise hopes a notch too high in my opinion. I mean, my uncle was the 6th best judge in the whole country. Despite words of caution and irretrievable impatience regarding my unconventional direction of a career path, I know that this type of TLC is inherent and unchangeable. Slightly annoying and irritating at times, I suppose they just want to see me fulfil my potential. Inside, I just say "Don't worry, I'll be great just like you guys".

When I went back to the city, I was invited to tour the Malacanang Palace! It was brilliant, the first historical tour thing I have ever done in Philippines, I believe. The height of the event was to see Imelda's portraits and only a couple of her famous shoes - I have been dubbed as Imelda on many occasions because of my shoe fettish. My cousin Ate Jenny also took me to Baclaran and went inside a church, where I prayed to God for the first time in ages, wishing for the good health of my family and loved ones. I also went back to Tagaytay for one more night, just to enjoy the lovely breeze at night that Manila lacks completely. It is such a wonderful countryside, with its tranquil yet vibrant atmosphere which warrants a day trip away from the smoky fogs of the rubbish-filled capital city.

Packing's done.. err.. halfway through anyway. Today will be dedicated to doing bureaucratic errands such as exchanging money to dollars etc. I am apprehending an argument with the Philippine Immigration because of my type of ticket reinforcing a suspicion that Filipinos want to overstay illegally in other countries. I'm just gonna have to put on my British accent and slap my residency permit on their faces just to reinforce the fact that I do not do such thing.

Inevitably, as much as I am excited, I'm also a little bit nervous. I know not to expect anything, but that's the thing, I don't really know what to expect with my friends and Adrian. It has been six weeks, I do not know if things have changed, or perhaps I have changed. It's definitely hard to tell. Although my conversations with Adrian have indicated that we pretty much are still normal (as normal as we could be, with our jokes and stuff), I do not know what to expect when I see him. Of course there will be a hug, but a kiss? More importantly, a kiss in front of everyone or shall I wait to get inside my room? Or shall I drag him to my room asap and make love to him desperately? Or shall making love be reserved at night to make it more romantic and special? But then I don't think I can wait any longer, I mean six weeks of abstinence was more than I could ever have bargained for in my adult sexually active life. Damn. I'll see how I feel tomorrow. I wish he still finds me beautiful, not fat with greasy skin.

No hope, no love, no glory. No happy ending.

2010-01-13T00:36:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I really really have nothing to do, my last resort is actually to stalk Adrian's ex girlfriend on Facebook. Adrian will get back with this girl when he gets back to the US, I heard him say it. He misses her, and when I asked him to describe her, he said he feels that he can be his genuine self around her. Aaaaahh.. how the fuck can I compete with that.

She has dark hair, beautiful skin with cute freckles, and piercing blue eyes. What do I have? A generic Asian look, a bit too dark for my liking, getting really fat and very bad skin due to the grease I have been eating here. I got a haircut, too short and a new piercing.. which I know Adrian would love. He said that short hair is sexy.. hmmm.. definitely not this one. It's a week away and I look horrid. And frankly, I think Adrian is not really showing me all of him. I personally think that he is not his genuine self around me. He likes to be this funny guy all the time, he said to me once that he would run out of jokes at some point. Like Chloe said, Adrian probably has this darker side of him that his hilariousness detracts awareness from. But I don't always want the jokey Adrian, I'd like to see more. But obviously, I am not the person he feels comfortable to show that side of him. This is just tough shit.

It's hard to love, but it's even harder to love someone when you know it will not go anywhere. Most of the time, I'm prepared to take that risk because I think it is worth it. But everytime I crash, and I see her and envy her, I wonder why do I put myself through this kind of self-inflicted hell. I panicked about having feelings for Adrian because I know I can never have his heart. He belongs to her. I can never have him. But Chloe gave me strength. She said his heart may belong to her in Maine, but his heart belongs to me in Cambodia. He has proven that, I have seen it with my eyes. The fact that he wants me to come back is just one evidence out of many. Is mine and Adrian's fate only lies in Cambodia?

"This is the way that we love, like it's forever. Then live the rest of our lives, but not together".

Happy Daydreams

2010-01-07T07:55:00.000-08:00

It's a nice feeling when somebody says they will be waiting for you.

When I left Cambodia, I left the most painful thing of all.. this lovely guy called Adrian. He was my lover, my best friend, everything I could ever need and what I could ever possibly want him to be. He gave me something which I was not looking for at the time, but it was something that I wanted and needed the most. I need to be loved and treated well, that's what I deserve. Before I met Adrian, I thought I was condemned to loving intellectually stimulating assholes forming (emotional)sado-masochistic relationships. Now that's not the case anymore. I have him to thank for that.

I met Adrian when his hair was a little bit longer and he wore a bandanna.. one of my first nights in Cambodia. Although I could not remember much, we bonded when we were watching Top Banana dogs Osaka and Tokyo have a late-night domestic. Ever since then, we developed this mucking around interaction mixed with innuendos and taking the piss. I was very attracted to him, but I could not act on it at the time and all the flirtation was possibly all in my head. People started to notice, they would comment on how Adrian and I have this unique sense of humour. At times, they would proactively get us together. I was told how he was concerned at times he would see me cry over my asshole ex-bf. I did not really pay attention. It's not that I did fancy him, but any form of attachment at the time was out of bounds for me. A four year relationship of mine just ended very insultingly. I was happy at what Adrian and I already have, I had no intention to over-complicate things. Besides, there was no intention on his part to show anything.

At the same time, I was also with another guy. The whole "threesome" thing was just a game to me. I was newly single and repulsed monogamy, I played two guys at the same time on my sole terms. While Adrian and I started off with a platonic marriage and spooning dates, the platonic aspect eventually and predictably ceased. Adrian got preferential treatment; he got to stay in my bed, he was my priority if he is in Phnom Penh, he got intimate with me. the other guy was purely physical and I enjoyed his conversations. Nevertheless, I was strict about my schedule because I did not want to belong to anybody. I did not want them to think they can have me, well, not completely. People cautiously told me that all this was unfair to both men, that I would have to choose. I did not listen to them. The object of the whole thing was to have fun and perhaps enjoy the novelty of this little bit of power. For me, to choose would be to defeat the object. I get different kicks from both of them, if I choose, I would be depriving myself of all the good things unnecessarily. I protected my emotional state by not choosing, because once you do, you will start having feelings for that person. I could not let that happen, so I made a game out of it. It was all honest, they both knew what they were getting into. Call me a whore, or cruel, but people admired me for it. It was empowering. Although what I wanted to do is to push my luck, as much as I can get away with, knowing it will blow over and when it does, it will be time to leave. It did blow over, just not the conventional way I thought it would. I ended up falling in love. The game defeated the objective. Haha. Life is funny sometimes. Just when I thought I had control, it bit me hard in the ass.

Time came to say goodbye. Adrian kept telling me to be happy, I'll have a good time, that I will find someone better and I might inevitably forget him but it's ok, he was very positive. I said thank you for everything. I told him that he's taught me that I'm capable of being with guys who don't treat me like shit all the time and he said "I'm sorry to hear that you were never treated the way you deserve".OMG. I could have died and never heard those words if I carried on this life loving assholes. He taught me to respect myself more and actually see the value of my self-worth. I have him to thank for that. He calms me a lot, I was not crying when i was with him. He just gets me; no fuss, seems to understand without me trying to explain, he knows when i need attention without suffocating me. The balance was just right and its astonishing how he just knows. I have no complaints. He is just the right man.

Then I arrived in Philippines. I was distraught, depressed, all the bad words starting with D. Not just because I left possibly the most important revelation that happened to my history of relationships, I also knew that there is nothing useful I could do in Philippines. I was treated like a child, despite just turning 23. No money, no job, no Adrian. My friends were telling me that he was very miserable, he looked lost/sad/mad even still.

I was nervous about how Adrian would feel about me coming back. We both saw the thing as short-lived. I gave him my options and told him how I felt; that he is one of the main reasons why I want to come back but I don't expect anything from him (just in case he gets scared). He was initially worried, he told me to make sure that this is what will make me happy so I won't have any regrets. Regrets? I started getting defensive so I reiterated that if he is scared that I will expect something from him, he need not worry because I won't. He said he is not scared, and said sorry that maybe he was thinking too much. I later on got what he meant. It was just that Top Banana atmosphere has apparently changed so much, that he doesn't want me coming back expecting it to be the same, hence I won't regret anything. Then I understood. He was never explicit. I asked him "do you want me to come back" and he said "really, things will get back to normal if you come back". That was good enough for me. Within hours, my flight back to Phnom Penh was booked. It took me two weeks to know that I am not happy being in Manila. I had to put the balance right.

The very few times we chatted, he was not very chatty as normal but obviously it is different. I was so used to being with him all the time to nothing so it was hard to adjust. He would never say he misses me, but would say it is strange without me. But our chats were still very jokey like it used to be. Ages ago I asked if he could meet me in Saigon when I land and he said he will see what he can do.. and you know, no expectations so that was it. Today, after dreaming of him, I woke up and he emailed me.. saying sorry he could not meet me in Vietnam.

"but i'll be waiting at top banana for you. i really wish i could meet you, but i'll make it up to you. i cant wait to see you, see you soon :)"

That was the most explicit he has ever been. I am very very happy.

I Love Bicol Forever

2010-01-03T21:06:00.000-08:00

Being bored shitless in the city (where I am not even allowed to go to the Manila Zoo), I thoroughly welcomed the prospect of going to the province where there is fresh air, more sights and being with my funky cool cousins from the Contreras side. They are up for anything! I was armed with a hammock and a book called Crime and Punishment. Nothing could go wrong with that!

First off, I stayed with my grans to spend the new year with them. I was fed like I was never fed in my life, the seafood there is great and the prawns are fucking big! They taste sweet and fresh, unlike the frozen seafood in England that people seem to think are a delicacy. I think not. I would wake up around midday, eat, then sleep on the "Hammock of Love" as my granddad calls it where he would hang it up for me everyday because he loves me so much LOL. My uncle took me to this island called Kawit Island, full of rocks and stones, very untamed and just how I like it. We did not really spend too much time there because of the wild (fear of snakes, not on my part but you would find if you lived in Philippines, actions are rather restrained because of rebels, fear of being kidnapped etc). It did not matter to me, all I wanted was to be on a boat and see the islands, the seaside towns, feel the water and surely enough, the ride on the way back was soooo rough, the waves were really big and I kept being splashed with water, it was very exciting (bearing in mind I was so scared of boats on my first trip to Sihanoukville in Cambodia). New Year came and went, I slept and my nan woke me up at quarter to 12 to spend the New Year munching on my favourite dish (Lechon!) as a departure from my English tradition of watching the fireworks on tv (I know, I was very boring). I welcomed the change and sure enough, I fell asleep like a pig would fall asleep just after it ate.

Time came to cross the pond over the Contreras side of the family (err.. more like a 2 hour rusty jeepney ride over scary hills and zigzag roads of the countryside you gotta love it) where I forced my cousins Biboy and Jocyl to stay up with me and sharing ghost stories. Over the weekend we headed towards Legaspi City, Albay to see the eruption of the perfect coned-shaped Mayon Volcano. It is a beautiful sight to be seen. I am very glad to come home to this province full of beautiful sights and untamed nature, there are plenty of things to see like waterfalls, hot springs, white beach islands, lakes, rivers and some new tourist destinations such as CWC which is a water-sports complex. While I am here, I plan to go on a river boat ride (god knows where I will end up but it's OK that is part of the fun), island-hopping (officially I have not been granted permission yet but I'm sure I can persuade them), go to see some waterfalls, maybe go fishing? Who knows. Anyways, back to Legaspi. We went to Cagsawa Ruins, it was an old church which was buried in lava back in the 1800s when the Mayon erupted badly and all that was left was the bell tower. We had a picnic there, I got lots of bags from my aunties as presents and some money which I later on spent on booze and crisps with my cousins haha (money well spent). We also went to this place, kinda mall-style Marina-like hotspot where there was a lighthouse tower. Unfortunately, because my cousin Baby Rose was running around and my Uncle Bong had to pick her up, he missed a step on the stairs and fell, consequently broke his leg. We went back to Buhi, my nan's house where we spent the night drinking, seeing and hearing weird things haha. The spirits and what not are all part of the appeal of the place. Apparently when I was young I had a third eye. Fantastic. There was a lot of laughing, my Auntie Vicky and her family is also here from Papua New Guinea so there was major catching up mixed with jokes and taking the piss out of the young Baby Rose. Booze, laughs and family. Typical Contreras gathering. Love it.

Now I am in Naga at my Auntie Cyril's place, today my cousins are at school hence am blogging. Just ate ludicrous amounts of food for lunch again and the plan for today is to head out to the Plaza where there are loads of street food which I really crave for the most. xxx

Expectations and Regrets

2010-01-03T08:15:00.000-08:00

Asia has been treating me well.. good food, good times, but sometimes not good sleep. Hence, another sleepless night feeling slightly jealous of my cousins and his mates drinking downstairs. Although had too much apple vodka last night so no complaints. Filipino traditions and being a Contreras drinker is never a good combination.

I am finding myself in a really weird place, despite being in the place I call home. Finally getting over the "Cambodia Bug", but nevertheless I still dream of the place every night. Things when you were a child never seemed to matter but now it does. When you are finally included in adult conversations, it only makes you itch over the times you just play stupid card games where if you lose, they draw VODKA all over your face using lipstick. But now, what matters is title and success (possibly condoning drinking in between). Expectations are running high. Although I am quite curious as to what will be said if things do not turn out the way they want me to be.

I thought Cambodia was a phase. The "What happens in Cambodia, stays in Cambodia" mantra has become so addictive that as much as I took complete advantage of it, I have grown to violate it. Hence, I am coming back for more.. perhaps to carry on the life I have lived since October which was momentarily postponed. I never really knew what to expect from traveling. They say it's OK if you forget, it's OK to lose your head. But perhaps the greater challenge is to live life with no expectations wherever you are. Whether Cambodia is a phase or not, I know my experiences in that place have taught me unconventionality that I never thought I could ever find happiness in. I was in a moment in time where I was given something that I was not looking for, but which I needed the most. I entertained to break down my boundaries and discover their limits. I met people who have touched my heart. I thought Cambodia was a phase. But it is not. It is a film constantly being played over and over again in my head; last thing I see before I sleep, first thing I see before I wake up. Most importantly, it lets you to be free and at the same time, it does not judge. For that reason, it is good enough justification to go back.

Someone once said to me that I should make sure that this is what will make me happy, so I don't regret anything. One thing that Cambodia taught me is to live life with no expectations. It is so liberating, everybody should try it. With expectations, there comes regret. I suppose all I want is to be independent, to be my own self in a place that will appreciate that, or at least can understand. I want to have a job, possibly my own apartment if I stay long enough, a comfortable living (that will enable me to be in Sihanoukville every weekend LOL). If all that comes with a special someone on the side, that would be great. If not, it is not the end of the world. There will be no expectations. There shall be no regrets.