"Is Buddha testing me again" Round 2: Creating My Own Luck

What a hell of a fucked up week this has been. I don't even know where to begin, I don't even know why I am blogging this, but despite how tired I am now at 1:45 in the morning and been up since 7 oclock yesterday morning, I feel like I have to document the strange phenomenon of this life's recent mind fuck episode.

Can't remember where the last time I left off, so I was feeling really down and depressed then I managed to pick myself up from the hole in the inner core of the earth and became just about alright again. Right on cue, what do I get? A job interview. At the Surrey County Council for a Legal Support admin job with one day notice. So there I was, thinking fate has it figured out, thinking that I have it all figured out, when I miserably failed in the interview (because I was such a twat who didn't do research on what their council does! DUH!) but didn't really gave too much shit because of Cambodia and the fact that Charlotte came down & I was just in the mood to forget and have fun.

Why is it that every time I wanted happiness, or I feel like I can get away with something not necessarily bad but something that my better judgment would prevent, it always end up punishing me severely for it. Because that's what has happened; I could not go to Cambodia because I am not eligible to apply for a British passport yet, based on their ridiculous definition of residential qualifying period that has a massive massive problem if you were gone in the past 12 months of your application. I can't risk it again, as I might not be let back in the country as residency is not good enough; right to stay is one thing, freedom to move is another. The irony was, I passed the God damn Life in the UK test.. in one minute and fucking thirty seconds.

So no job in Cambodia, no Cambodia, there I was thinking 1. What bad shit have I possibly done to deserve this? 2. I totally deserve this because I didn't try harder in those advantageous interviews that I just let pass, I didn't try the best I could because Cambodia was my security, I wasn't even grateful for those interviews and saw them as a "might as well do it" rather than my chance to actually get a job that I really really want, 3. For fuck's sake - am I to be penalised just because for lack of or trying not hard enough for whoever divine notion figures out my fate, and 4. I can never win, can I? No room for mistakes, no room for slacking, cannot take for granted every single mistake I make because the punishment for that is never commensurate to how trivial the mistake was in the grand scale of things, teaching me lessons on discipline and precision, and the fact that nothing I do is ever good enough - for myself and especially for fucking fate. For a moment, I had given up on my dreams and saw no point of my ambitions. I was stumped so hard, I was more than upset; I was numb, convincing myself that it was not real and like one of those made-up stories that I play around in my head. But no, it was real alright, and there is nothing I can do about it.

Then something happened. Found myself talking to Mr Policy dude Phil at the Council who told me well done, great credit to me for getting funding for my project proposal, and that he needs a Project Manager, and that's me, and how Renouard the guy who can't spell is my assistant, and how my wages are commensurate to 20K a year... wasn't this all too familiar? This was part of the plan... to volunteer there until they pity me so much they'll give me a job... and from what Phil said, "you were lucky, but with your hardwork, you kinda created your own luck".

This could be something profound. The guy's statement is an evidence of what I believe but up until this day, I didn't know that it was possible. That I can control fate, or at least some extent of it. That if I want something badly, fate will let me have some massive and gut-wrenching bumps in the road and make me work my ass off before I ultimately arrive at my destination, and that I am definitely going to get it.

I hope this kind of thing ain't a one off experience.

And I hope that Mr Receptionist Guy still works there. I need to get laid.