CLOSURE

What a BIG word.

I have somehow entered a phase in life where I am lost, and distraction does not do exactly what you want it to do. You confuse happiness with distraction, and with much intoxication that seemed the best idea you have had in a very long time, it makes you wonder later on whether it was worth it all along...

It's like stuck in reverse; being in the same position as you were years ago, but knowing that you have changed and you give yourself worth for thinking that it has some intrinsic worth the fact that things have changed, but slowly washed with the realisation that while nothing really REALLY changes, the things that change are really those that you are not happy about, and things that you can't control anyway. Does that make sense?

Recently I felt like a menopausal woman who has not really conquered anything to get menopausal about; age, children, career... the lot. Today at work I got really teary about how unfair things are, and how shit they are, and knowing that there's nothing I can do about it, and punishng myself for getting bothered about it, henceforth tears start streaming down my face, looking at myself in the mirror with an expression of sadness and pity at the image. This can't be me. What is going on with me? I feel so far removed from everything, like I have ceased connection with anyone, anything, everything. I just feel like hiding myself because no one will miss it, no one will realise anything is wrong. I used to be surrounded with meaningful friendships, but now I feel totally and utterly alone. With nothing but artificial friendships and superficial conversations, sometimes I am better off just talking to myself because at least I am not talking shit just like the rest of them.

There is this shameful inadequacy; that after all this time, after all that I have done, after all I have sought to establish my indepedence, I am not totally happy with myself. My self esteem has never been that high, but it has never really been this low. I am sruggling to cope with the limbo.. and what seemed to me was a great time an hour ago felt like a fucking million years ago of fake laughter. Of things that barely scratched the surface, combined with self-loathing that didn't even involve trying and made it seem fruitless to do so anyway. Happiness is neither here or there, and one person said to me, it's all about comparative advantage.

And after all this time, I still think about that person. I need closure. But how do I get it? Paul said I might be resolved to reach closure on the things (or lack of) that I have, seeing as I have no clue what happened at all. It was all just an unfortunate gush of wind that was love and separate destinies all rolled into one big pile of mess that is Kim and Jeremy. I should have just fucking left it the way it was; I used him, he didn't care, he saw me as a weekend shag as I saw him too. So there would not have been any previous moral high grounds, guilt, inadvertent but slightly intentional punishment that he was wishing would go unnoticed by me. Why, after all this time, why is he still on my mind.

Dear Jeremy,