Insomnia or Bizaare Sleeping Pattern?

2:30 a.m. on a very familiar ground

Having got out of bed for the second time as for the first time, reading the Life in the UK book has not put me to sleep as usually expected.

Things on my mind:
1. Gotta wake up at 7 to get to Eastbourne Trading Standards
2. Bit worried about project work at TS
3. Interview next week for National Probation Service
4. Christmas shopping
5. Fuck! It's my birthday next week

I fucking hate Christmas. I usually love my birthdays (of course!) but this year is rather weird and bizaare. It was not as bad as I thought; I have a job earning my own money, potentially have a venue for my birthday (dining hall - The Lion & Lobster and a discount on food) and a fabulous dress to match the occasion, not to mention having shed a few pounds since I started bar work. Bliss.

Was supposed to spend birthday with Chloe and Tom in London, thinking that no one wants to spend it with me. But got a txt from Keren that led to a conversation which was great and refreshing - things are not all lost as I thought. The gap of disconnection is getting smaller, perhaps it was just a time, space, and mind frame issue. Nevertheless, good friends stay loyal as Keren does. Even though I have not been exactly the greatest friend ever and was fleetingly wondering about the expiration date on friendships. I obviously stand corrected, and she upper-handedly persuaded me to make plans on my birthday when I was not feeling that grand about it. It's going to be a good 24th birthday shindig - just our lot: Keren, Lucy, Fiona, Stephanie and Chloe. With a vintage jacket from Escada and a tulip LBD to show off my new regulated curves, I am ready to grab 24 by the balls.

I suppose I have always been averse to change, especially where it hurts. For a period of time, I resented things here: how everyone has moved on, how things have changed, how I feel stuck, and how I feel lost, alienated and neglected. Half of those things were only natural and the other half was badly self-induced. I cannot have possibly expected to come back and things would be as how same same they were, and burden others with that kind of expectation. I have learned to just accept the pace of life and where it leads us, and as time may play tricks on us, more important things such as loyalty and friendship are not easily lost in time. And you need people like Keren to remind you of that. It does not mean they care any less, it does not mean that they no longer think of the best intentions, it just means that life has a new chapter for us and we have to adapt, set insecurities aside and ride on to whatever changes our friendships may bring, as they are never bad, but just need getting used to.

Apart from getting rejected by the Council because I could not demonstrate my understanding of internal relationships in the council (leaving me the conclusion that I will never have success where bureaucracy trumps over common sense), the "reverse culture shock" is slowly fading away. I have found that I am more controlled about my own money and the inclination to save trumps over any desire over shoes and clothes. Glad to know that the old saving Kim is back, so all that was needed was to get some perspective in a third world country to improve my ability to spend wisely. Perhaps still impatient as ever, things are a lot more clear cut with the increased ability to see through bullshit and trusting my instincts a lot more. Guess that's the art of growing up: some 3:00 a.m. self reflection.