Perceptions of Loneliness

That title came from Paul. He was going through some tough heart breaking shit right now, and I think, finally, so am I.

The last time I cried was when I left Top Banana, and a few sniffles on the bus. I had been prepared so it did not come as a shock, and I admit, I was ready to go home. There was no loss of self control.

Six weeks into my new life, I thought I was managing OK. I thought the emails were enough. I thought it's time to find someone else. Not being exactly in the ideal situation, my heart loves ideally who it should not. Someone from the other side of the world, the mature one. The mature side of me has overruled everything: maybe it's better this way, you get to keep him in your life, you won't lose him. But that does not change the fact that he's not by my side either. Kept reading his emails and imagining that it was his voice talking to me, replaying our telephone conversation in my mind, keeping the memory of him alive in God knows what good it will do. Shit scared that one day I will forget how he looked at me, forget what his laughter sounds like, and how his eyes would twinkle with his smile when he says something to piss me off. Remembering things he said to me, how much he liked me, how expressive my eyes are, how he says "Mount Everest, Kim.. it's sooo gooooood!!". All that can evaporate one day, I might not remember anymore and I am really, really scared. Not of losing him, but losing my memories of him.

What am I to do?