As far as my decisiveness as to the Jeremy matter I thought concluded.. I was enlightened from a conversation with my muslim unhappily married best friend who put things in a realistic perspective. To partly my shame and embarrassment, Dina highlighted how, in the grand scale of things, "I love you" is just ridiculously overrated, that I am actually rather lucky, and I must find content in ways that are unconventional.
The fact that I do not wish to tell Jeremy of my return would be appalling; as far as on the bare minimum that we are friends, a friend would feel awful if I kept such a simple matter from him. He might feel hurt with hiding such simple truth that, in one occasion he secretly hoped and contemplated, and will feel affected in any decision involving Cambodia and me and him potentially still being in Cambodia when I come back. How could I have been so stupid in thinking that I alone can control these things, unable to foresee how others would feel in my self-regarding act, and that nobody can possibly be affected or should be allowed to play their role in my life, and expect them to still be in it? I learn everyday that my foresight is astoundingly ridiculously selfish, that with such conviction I ask everyone to support me unquestioningly, and with such questions I think very insultingly, as an attempt to control or undermine me. I whine and cry about how my life revolves around others and taking care of them, when in fact, they also uphold their end of the bargain by taking what comes with me and the whole entirety of it, sticking by me with disregard of their reservations or emotions, with unrelentless happiness and support for me. I must learn not to be selfish.
But on the other hand, the reaction might just be a hypothetical one: that is to assume that he would care as far as me being a deciding factor in whether he stays or not. That also does not rest easily with me that in so informing him about my return, he inevitably becomes a part of something that I don't want him to have an influence on, i.e. my decision to go back. I cannot look back and must look forward.
That is, however, committing the cardinal sin of expecting things to be the same as I had left it. I recalled advising myself never to force people to be with you out of default and I did ignore that when Jeremy arrived to PP in May. I just assumed that we pick up where we left off, which took Jeremy a great deal for granted. Providing obviously that if he did not want to be with me, he can do as he pleases, but he just unquestioningly followed suit albeit being more guarded than usual (which is understandable). With my distrust over making rational decisions about men, reality, fantasy, career... IN CAMBODIA, my main concern was not to let Jeremy be a part of any decision to go back. However, it was rightly pointed out that it was never about him to begin with. The job chose me; it was out of the blue, completely unexpected, I did not even applied for it but it there for me to take it. I was offered a job where two months here did not get me anywhere near as far as this. Even more so that this job was offered to me in the full knowledge of what I am like, based on my characteristics and conviction. None of that had Jeremy written all over it, and so I should not question my motivations since I only left Cambodia because the dream job was not happening, I am now coming back because the dream job is definitely happening, and Jeremy never played a role in any of those decisions to begin with.
Fair point. It is true that had I got close to anything like this, I would not have left Cambodia when I did. It had the words "human rights", "CV", "long term career prospects", "networking", "excitement", "fulfilling" and "financial viability" written all over it. Remember also that when I wanted to break up, he was "vehemently against it" so I was not even allowed to break up with him. If he really didn't care, he could have just counted his losses, thanks for a very good time and fucked off without further ado. He needed not have stayed with me, under no expectation or obligation or otherwise. But he stayed with me until the very, when it was so easy to leave as given to him in the most favourable circumstances.
He was not much of an emotional teddy bear. Hardly opens up, but reassures me of his attachment and affections and tells me how he feels when I am down or when the situation warrants it. He never said I love you, but his actions speak louder than words. In Rabbit Island, he started to open up a little. He was worried about how he comes across to people. He said that I have these connections with people, making them trust and confide in me. I now know of his insecurity, and it is my greatest asset, my ease to talk to people and the ability to keep them.
Thinking about it now, he made so much effort with me, for someone who I cheated on and for someone who did not have to be with me. He said that himself, he wouldn't have flown for a weekend from Singapore to PP if he didn't like me that much. He is still emailing me, when I have left and probably no point in carrying on. Looking back at the things I was mad about, they seemed trivial and rather spoiled brattish. I'd say I want this, he say yes let's do it. He finishes work late, hardly ever made his tiredness an excuse, makes himself nice and fresh to take me out to dinner. I was very demanding and high maintenanced, which he thought was cute and not such a big deal. If he just wanted me for sex, he would have told me everything I wanted to hear, but he didn't. Always ran the risk of offending me, but it was honest and true, things I value more than empty words. I overlooked contentment, and right now I am hitting myself on the head for thinking I was used when it was just a pride thing.
I was such an idiot. And I am glad to have a second chance to make it up to him.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
0 comments:
Post a Comment