Jesus and Buddha testing me

What a week.

So I have just finished giving my mother a breakdown of what I have been spending and why banks are such cunts because things don't add up and mysteriously disappear on your bank account.

Job hunting until 4 a.m. figuring out how best to impress employers with semantics and some warranted bullshit. Although I am more at ease in applying for jobs now, I suppose that was the effect of Cambodia.

This week, I have three interviews. Bear in mind I just started applying two weeks ago. I knew employers would be suckers for people who go abroad and "experience" life (as they should be). One in a law firm in London with less than 24 hours' notice: central, High street style, next to Prada Gucci D&G and Chanel in the same building - HA! Either a good sign - I am at home, or a bad sign - I can never afford these expensive things because I am not going to get that job. I was nervous, but I think I did OK. I didn't overdo the bragging thing, just about right. If I get in there, I would want to train there as a solicitor. C'mon, high street firm in central London? That's Kim written all over it.

The morning of that interview, I got a rather inconsiderate and typical message from my most beloved sister who is such a cunt and a first class asshole. So I laid everything on her like a very crisp red carpet: she is a complete waste of space and a bad excuse for a mother. Her reactions ranged from defensive, insulting, and retaliatory, to self-deprecation, her sufferings and pretend self-worth, that all concluded into the typical attention deficit responses of "I deserve an apology". Well, I said "FUCK YOU" in capitals. Think I made my point. I have been dying to have an estranged family member, everyone seems to have it.

Another job interview that turned out to be a scam. On Monday, will go to Devon. Looking forward to staying in London until Tuesday, with Mac, Sarah, and Chloe.

As I listen to Chnam Oun Dap Pram Muy and my khmer songs whenever I am wound up or stressed, my life is dedicated to taking care of people but not my own. Frantically looking through bank statements, receipts, and adding everything up to prove that I can be trusted, I did not want to seem irresponsible, inconsiderate, and careless. That realisation hit me when the sun has just set, making me realise that I had been pouring over those accounts for over 3 hours now. What did it matter? I knew I did well, that everything spent was utmost needed, my mum trusts me, but why the need to prove it? I don't even know what I want to do now that it's done, nothing really appeals to me now so I might just look for more jobs. Feel alienated, emotionally unkept and not looked after, my friends are too busy or tolerating me to a point that I am becoming too needy. With the exception of Mac and Dina (and her mother's chicken curry), and Ate Jenny (and her cooking), I just have the feeling of being dumped.

Knowing that all this probably don't make sense, but to me, it's going to be one of those things that will drive me inwardly insane. I love my family, I love my friends, but where is the love for myself? I did indulge, I rang Jeremy the other night. He really did cheer me up, I woke him at 5 a.m. and we had a laugh about it. He seemed to think of it as a unique attribute of mine to make things harder for him. We talked about things here (not so on a cheery mode), Cambodia and what's going on, and making plans for his birthday. It was nice to hear his voice, I miss him so much. He's the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thought on my mind at night. He said it was nice to hear from me too, with a bitter sweet tone. Yeah, that's Cambodia and Jeremy for me, bitter sweet.